Dear Mr. Bowie,

First off, we are both very big fans. Probably not your biggest fans, but we are American, both of us. Cool, right? We just read the very kind letter you wrote to your other American fan. You wrote it back in 1967, but it was really nice. Are you still a nice guy? Did you ever make it to America? It’s kind of shitty. I’ve been to England. DJ hasn’t. That’s not really relevant I guess.

Anyway, we were just writing you to say we are both very big fans, though we don’t really listen to your albums too much. I think we probably both downloaded a few for free. You know, like the popular ones: Ziggy Stardust and Space Oddity. DJ knows some trivia about your song “Let’s Dance.” I don’t remember it. This is Roy, writing the letter by the way. Well, I’m typing it. DJ is yelling out his comments to me. DJ says “Hey.”

The album we really like is Hunky Dory. It is SO good! We like a lot of the tracks. The first one, “Changes,” is really good. We like how you stutter on the word “changes.” Did you think of that yourself? DJ says you don’t really stutter in real life. That makes it even more creative. The next song, “Oh! You Pretty Things” that one is good too. We like how you say the line, “look out my window what do I see, crack in the sky…” That’s mostly because of the album “Crack the Skye.” It’s by Mastodon and it’s really good too. “Oh! You Pretty Things” has good piano. You have a good voice.

“Eight Line Poem” isn’t as good as the first two songs. Too slow. You probably get that a lot.

“Life on Mars” is another really creative song. Really good job with that, we were impressed. I’ve listen to that song over 10 times. DJ says he probably has to, but he hasn’t been keeping count. What is the song “Kooks” about? We like that one too. It’s good. The songs after that are good too. Sometimes you sing funny.

Did you ever get to meet Andy Warhol in real life? What is Andy Warhol like? The beginning to this song is weird. DJ says you were probably high when you made it. I guess that makes sense. Do you remember if you were? Do you have something against Bob Dylan? You seem to. Did you ever meet Bob Dylan? What is his voice like in real life? How old is he now?

“Queen Bitch” is pretty bad ass. It sounds really good. What was your inspiration to write that song? We like it a lot.

Well, anyway. Thanks for reading our letter. Like we said, we’re from America, so you know…hope to hear from you soon. Keep making good music, but try to make some songs like the ones on Hunky Dory because those are our favorite ones.

OK, bye,
Roy and DJ

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It’s a little difficult to think of the holiday season during the hot summer season, but we all know that Christmas will one day come again. Every Christmas without fail a new collection of Christmas songs is released, performed slightly differently then they usually are, but still not as good as they first were. These Christmas albums are usually stamped out by music giants like Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosie O’Donnell and Twisted Sister.

Well guess who’s next to bite off a chunk of the money-making yule log? That’s right! Bob Dylan.

I mean when you think of Christmas doesn’t the image of an old Jew come to mind?

Now I’m as big a Bob Dylan fan as the next guy (provided the next guy isn’t DJ), but this idea seems the tiniest bit horrible to me.  Story has it that Bob’s already got four songs in the bag, including “Here Comes Santa Claus” and “O Little Town of Bethlehem.” Again, I’d like to emphasize that Dylan is a Jew and, thus, will still be getting a sack of coal this December 25th, record or no record.

Dylan did go through a born-again-Christian “phase” from 1979-1981. Up until now I had passed that off as a bad joke, but it looks like Dylan is getting in touch with his non-existent Christian roots again. Maybe all these celebrity deaths are getting him worried. Is recording a Christmas album a free ticket to heaven? It’s a possibility.

I could support this album if Dylan had changed things up a little.  Couldn’t he have added that vintage Zimmerman flair? I would consider picking up a Christmas album with this track list:

1- The Empty Stocking Blues
2- Snowy Day Women #12 and #25
3- Stuck inside the Chimney with the X-Mas Blues Again
4- These Presents They Are A-Wrappin’
5- Subterranean Homesick Elf
6- It’s Alright Mama (It’s Only Hanukkah)
7- All Along the Rooftop
8- I Dreamed I Saw St. Nicholas
9- 34th Street Revisited
10- Ballad of a Snow Man

But, no, I do not need to hear Bob’s rendition of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”

However, I will be the first to snag his cover of “Dradle, Dradle, Dradle.”

I hate Bob Dylan‘s music. I really really do. To me, it sounds like the ramblings of an idiot on salvia. There is absolutely nothing musically redeeming to me and I hate the way every birkenstock wearing jackass at my school believes him to be a god of some sort. You want real music that truly speaks to your meaningless life? Go listen to the four albums after Piano Man and before Glass Houses in the Billy Joel catalogue, you witless Long Island scum. But enough about them. I now love Bob Dylan, douchebag neighbor.

All bitching aside, I do love this song and video.

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When I first got into music I did just that, focused on the chords, notes and rhythms being played. Appreciating lyrics came later and eventually lyrics were defining lots of my favorite artists. Sometimes lyrics are poetic and terrific and sometimes they are just ridiculous and, perhaps, improvised on the spot. Still, sometimes that nonsensical jibber-jabber is exactly what I’m looking for and it ends up being the most memorable part of the song. Here are my top five instances where nonsense made sense.

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Why do I kiss the ground that Axl Rose walks on? Because he sings like he means it – right down to the “YOWZA!” at the end of “Mr. Brownstone”. I guess there’s something to be said for what everyone’s musician father tells them when their guitar is too loud: “You can’t have loud without quiet.” But fuck that, if you’re making music that you’re passionate about, why don’t you show it? I’m sick of pussy bands and everyone else should be too.

Without further ado, I present my 5 Least Enthusiastic Singers of All Time. See if you can guess which of the following snore-inducing crooners inspired this list.

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