Categories: Mean Spirited Posted on December 16, 2010 By: DJ
Frequently, I find myself envying the relatively talentless people talking to me on TV. Instead of coming to grips with the fact that the bullshit I mindlessly peruse during timeouts passes as legitimate entertainment, I usually just assume the clown spewing pure garbage and nonentertainment into my brain lucked into the gig, held the producer’s family hostage in exchange for the gig, or must have been a bona fide celebrity in a no longer relevant distant past. One person who actually doesn’t bother me so much is Guy Fieri. His show is pretty decent and he seems like a good enough dude. All in all, Guy Fieri probably doesn’t deserve the mockery I’m about to make of his appearance and personality.
Categories: Lists Posted on January 6, 2010 By: DJ
4 Things I Want To Do By 2011
Apparently New Year’s Eve has come and gone. From all accounts I was in New Paltz for two nights celebrating, but there is absolutely no way I could confirm or deny those statements. My calendar, on the other hand, is about as reliable as any other calendar and it tells me we’re now in the year 2010, which is pretty sweet. Only a few more years till hoverboards, Mastodon is probably gearing up to write another album which will leave my brains all over Roy’s walls, and from what I can gather, we still have two whole years before the planet implodes.
So, I felt it was appropriate to wait until about a week in to make my resolutions. I decided to whittle down the thousands and thousands of character flaws and gimmicks which have been holding me back from achieving massive amounts of success, fame and fortune and focus on five key things I want to be able to accomplish by the end of this year. Let’s get started!
1. I want to be able to play the ukulele better then this kid:
I’ve been putting some serious hours in on the ole’ six string recently, but if I’m going to complete resolution 2, I need to sharpen my uke skillz. This kid has the right idea – just sittin’ around laughin’ and bustin’ out some chords and singing whatever he’s singing. If you double click and read the info, apparently he slipped a “Surfin’ USA” in there somewhere. That’s what ukulele is all about.
2. I want to record an album at least as labor intensive as The Wolf by Andrew W.K.
I was just alerted this morning that every track on Andrew W.K.’s incredibly underrated second album, The Wolf, has between 90 and 200 tracks all recorded by Andrew W.K. That is fucking impressive. Can I write the anthems of a generation as poignantly as Mr. W.K.? Probably not. But can I throw a bunch of shit at the wall and see what sticks? Definitely. Then can I take said sticky shit and overwork it like an even more obsessive Axl Rose? Absolutely.
3. I don’t want to look like this at any point in 2010:
Unless Ralph Macchio just thrashed me in a tournament, there is no reason I should be asleep at a party. Especially if I went so far out of my way to dress up and look presentable. If I were smoking bongs at Roy’s place all night, it’s one thing. But to show up to a kegger dressed to the nine’s just to fall asleep – that’s simply unjustifiable.
4. I want to somehow be able to make whoever accidentally lands on this site a) actually want to read some of the bullshit on it and b) get the jokes.
A lot of people visit the site via random Google Image searches. That rocks. The problem is that once they right click and save their image as (I know Mac users, a two buttoned mouse is so 1998, AMIRITE? Trendy douchebags.). Where was I? These parenthetical asides always knock me for a loop – maybe my fifth resolution should be to make them shorter and funnier. Oh right, no one visits the site or seems to get the jokes. Well I honestly don’t see how I can change either of those things, so let me link you to two comments from 2009 that really really missed the boat. Numer 1. Number 2.
I just made my first transaction on Live Nation, which is trying to merge with ticket sales overlord TicketMaster (CEO: Money grubbing Guns N’ Roses, Van Halen, Steely Dan and NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK manager Irving Azoff). Remember like a year or so ago when you would go to buy a ticket it would sometimes bring you to the old school order and if it was a pre-sale you would go to LiveNation? Fucking stupid, now they’ll be the same company. Anyway, I just bought a pair of tickets to see Protest the Hero (rawk!) in May. I have to say the Live Nation site was pretty intuitive. When I searched for the tickets I was able to easily find them and, much to my surprise, they were only sixteen bucks! That fuckin’ rules – I would have shelled out 25 if I was asked to do so. What follows is a harrowing tale of trivial amounts of money, deciet and a broken (and just fucking broke) young man.
Categories: Mean Spirited Posted on February 25, 2009 By: DJ
Roy and I get a few magazines delivered to our house that neither of us has a subscription for: Us Weekly, OK! Weekly, Vibe, Entrepreneur and the occasional J&R Cigar catalog. We’ve been living in our current place for almost two months and I had thought I’d seen it all. I was so fucking wrong. Last week I opened the mailbox to discover the following visual travesty:
I don’t know if it’s more shocking that we will now receive this magazine for god knows how
long or that someone who once lived in our relatively shitty apartment had a job AND kids.
Categories: Review Posted on February 17, 2009 By: DJ
On Friday, Roy told me that Pitchforkmedia.com just gave the Beastie Boys‘ second album, Paul’s Boutique, a 10/10 – something the overly elitist, pompous, horn rimmed glasses with a septum ring wearing hipster douchebag of a website almost never does. Holy fucking shit! You think, 20 years after it’s release, Paul’s Boutique was a perfect album? Way to go, assholes, you came to a conclusion everyone who’s ever listened to the album has come to. Also, you did it in the most obnoxious way possible:
10/10! Brilliant! Especially since we can now see in hindsight its impact on that which eventually succeeded it!
I realize there are a few flaws in this post. First, no one cares about my opinion on the subject. Second, it should have been written in 1994. In any event, this is what you get today.
I just got into Biggie recently (totally excellent coincidence with the movie release). I downloaded the discog and I actually really love most of it. I always thought I disliked him for some reason, but I guess I don’t. Tupac’s music, on the other hand, I hate with a burning passion. I find Notorious B.I.G. to be, for the most part, clever and really fun to listen to, which is exactly what I want from hip hop. However, there is a glaring defect in almost every song: Sean Combs.
You can probably put any hip hop artist on the left and this would hold true.
Chachi is sick and tired of your bullshit resolutions. Specifically, he’s sick and tired of (and shockingly angry about) these 5 which seem to top everyone’s lists.
