Roy and I read a lot of books. In fact, it’s almost all we ever do. Usually we only read top notch masterpieces by the likes of Hemmingway, Riekki, Vonnegut, Shakespeare and Seuss. But, every once in a while a book so bad will make its way into our extensive library, where we are invariably forced to read them cover to cover, that we will actually wretch in our leather easy chairs. These are the worst nine of those books.

Close, but no cigar, Ms. “I’m From Alaska and Refuse to Fix My Teeth”

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1. Pepper your narrative with words like, afficionado and cajoles.
2. Describe fishing as a spiritual ritual.
3. After eating, have characters sop up meat juice with a piece of bread.
4. After they have ate, wound one of your characters.
5. Describe drinking absinthe as a spiritual ritual.
6. Go to war, get published, remarry, repeat.
7. Describe meat juice sopping as a spiritual ritual.
8. Befriend cats, grow beard.

The lovely Natalie Portman began her acting career in1994 starring in the movie Leon (aka the professional), a quirky flick about a professional assassin who begrudgingly befriends the young and spunky Mathilda (Portman). Hilarity, scenes of graphic violence and strong language ensue. I wish I could say that movie was my first, but alas it was not. Leon is rated-R and I was only seven at the time of its release. The title of my first movie goes to the forgettable Rock-a-doodle a 77-minute romp through the life and times of an Elvis-impersonating rooster whose voice causes the sun to rise. Fair enough. But, I’m an older man now; I can grow inklings of a moustache and carry televisions up and down flights of stairs. I have also learned valuable life-lessons, most notably: BE PREPARED. A simple dictum. A timeless truism. In order to be truly prepared you need to be ready for any situation imaginable. For example: What if I miraculously score a date with my prepubescent crush Queen Amidala/ Natalie Portman? You better believe I’ll have a game plan:

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