I was reading some Bill Faulkner today and was thinking about how terrible it would be to be someone else’s slave. I already have trouble doing things for myself. If my job was to fulfill the demands of someone else as well, I would have to file for unemployment. Except, too bad, I can’t because I’m a slave.

Now the idea that being a slave is not the best has been said again and again. It’s an idea that has been pounded into the social-consciousness since, I would say, at least 1989. As I continued to read this Faulkner novel (I should note that the people in Faulkner’s book were servants, not slaves, but I would still not be jumping at the opportunity to be a servant), I tried to think of things that could make being a slave even worse. Why I decided to think this, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I saw Saw IV last night and my mind has just been turning everything more tortuous. I came up with a couple options. One: you get impregnated by someone who is not a slave, but is a total dick, preferably the town sheriff. That would make matters much worse, but I can’t get pregnant, at least not with the technology available in slave-times. (Side-note: A really terrible themed restaurant would be one that follows the basic format of Medieval Times but is called Slave Times). Two: If I were a slave, but I also had a very developed case of alcoholism.

Someone is dying for a Margarita.

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This post was written for SmartassRadio 1.0 – and it has remained hidden somewhere in my hard drive between “Slutty Squirters 3″ and “Terminator 3″ (both equally erotic for eerily similar reasons). Today is the day I got the new album, Cult of Static. While I ponder my review, you can read this little ditty, which was written in October of ’07. It’s not my best writing, but it did lay the groundwork for this masterpiece. – DJ

This week I’m gonna have to go ahead and tell you to not listen to the entire Static X catalogue. I went to see the Operation Annihilation Tour on October 16th and they were far and away the lowest point of the show. And they were headlining. Even fat Dino from Fear Factory’s new band Devine Heresy kicked the living crap out of Wayne Static and their lead singer had a broken leg. Now, I’m not one to base much on a name or look (I love Skeletonwitch and Gwar (update: let’s put Dance Club Massacre annnnd Avenged Sevenfold in here -ed.)) but Static X definitely has the worst of both worlds. Frank has the right idea in that no band should have the letter X as a full word in their name. I love Symphony X but if they had a different name I’d love em even more.

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I’m a genius. Pheew. I’m glad I got that off my chest. It’s true. I’m pretty fantastic at pretty much anything. Unfortunately, one thing that I am not so swell at is mathematics. I know, hard to believe right? Well, it’s true. I really hardly know how to do any math at all. Basic addition maybe, but my skill levels end there. Consequently, I’ve found it necessary to enroll myself in the tutoring program at my college. I met with my tutor for the first time today. Our first lesson? Long division. I don’t know if you have ever heard of this stuff. I’m not sure if its considered calculus or trigonometry, but its pretty tough. Needless to say, being the math-novice that I am, I found it very confusing.

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I haven’t been to the gym in months, its awful. I can slip my entire arm through most keyholes and I break a sweat when I accelerate my car. When school is in session DJ and I try to stick with a fairly regimented work out schedule, pumping iron a minimum of three days a week. Unfortunately, we kind of slipped off our schedule…back in November. I have since found a supplemental exercise program, but in many ways its falls short. That program is Wii Fit. It is easy to use, I like the look of my Mii character and I can finally wear what I want (spandex) to the gym. I’ve been able to push aside the program’s shortcomings (ie: lack of results),until now. I’ve recently come to suspect my Wii Fit instructor is a gay.

Leslie, my instructor.

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As everyone should know, Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI on New Year’s Eve while on his way to an “amorous encounter” (woah! that sounds hot and heavy!). What information what not made readily available (at least not to this member of the celeb-driven blogosphere) was the fact that Sir Charles was leaving a party where he was joined by Michael Strahan and Jaleel White. It should come as no surprise that Jaleel finds himself in the spotlight after years of dormancy, I had, in fact, made a passing reference to Steve Urkel in my last scientific report. With all due respect, Mr. Colbert, you haven’t the slightest clue as to what it means to give people a cultural “bump”. But I digress, what follows is a word for word account of the conversation Jaleel White had with Charles “Not Gnarls” Barkley.

Clearly, this guy knows a thing or two about being responsible while you party.

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Researchers have somehow proven that women who drink, even moderately, have a reduced ability to recognize attractiveness in males. Specifically, it affects their ability to recognize facial symmetry, which supposedly has something to do with attractiveness. To this I politely say, “ohhhh fooey.” It is my experience that women are completely and utterly batshit insane, and there is absolutely no accounting for their taste. So, as a learn-ed man of science and reason, I decided to conduct my own research. I would ask all the girls who wanted to participate to rank five men and give me a quick reason why each is where he is on their list.

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No duo has been in the business of being taken for granted longer than the washer and dryer. I recently moved into a new place in South Philadelphia to find Hasidicly low rent, a spacious kitchen area, and even a private back porch (where I and mayor Nutter privately discuss strategies on the conquering of New Jersey). Sounds great right? The fragrant peaks of Sock Mountain beg to differ. So here it is, without further ado, the everyman’s guide to winter laundry.

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