Roy and I get a few magazines delivered to our house that neither of us has a subscription for: Us Weekly, OK! Weekly, Vibe, Entrepreneur and the occasional J&R Cigar catalog. We’ve been living in our current place for almost two months and I had thought I’d seen it all. I was so fucking wrong. Last week I opened the mailbox to discover the following visual travesty:

I don’t know if it’s more shocking that we will now receive this magazine for god knows how
long or that someone who once lived in our relatively shitty apartment had a job AND kids.

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As many of you have read in my previous posts, I have, in the past, been involved with Barbadian pop singer Rihanna. Sadly, our relationship was short lived- I wanted to take things slow and Rihanna, still young and frisky, was overly eager and moving too quickly for my taste. While we still talked with some regularity, we began to drift apart. Eventually, Rihanna met her new beau, Chris Brown. I was happy for her of course, and was glad she had finally found someone more compatible. I hadn’t really given the whole thing a second thought until this week when I found out Mr. Brown had criminally assaulted Ms. Fenty (the last name isn’t as attractive) leaving her bruised, cut and choked unconscious. Needless to say I was up in arms over the entire thing and took it as a call to action. So, I talked to Rihanna on AIM three days after hearing about it. Conversation below (Rihanna’s screen name is EllaEllaElla88 and mine is MintPsyzique71).

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My last installment of “What Not To Listen To: Static X” was featured on the old site and was one of the few things that didn’t make it over to the new one when we switched last August. So, I’ll be posting that as soon as I find the original document.

What Not To Listen To is my opportunity to pick a horrible, obviously hated band and just tear them to shreds for both musical and non-musical reasons. Wayne Static and Static X had it coming from day one and so has Papa Roach. I understand the easiness of tearing down each of these bands, but I’m gonna do it anyway.

This is not photoshopped.

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It’s amazing what people will tolerate when it comes to the dumbness of others. Anyone who has ever worked a job that involves public interaction has surely been accosted by questions, comments or criticisms which are so unreasonable or so vapid that the brain can barely compose a response. How many times have you pinched your brow, rolled your eyes or shook your head in disbelief at the ignorance of another? Still, we have to bite our tongues before we shout out, “How stupid can you be?” Well, I wanted to put it to the test. How stupid can a person be and still illicit a gracious response from someone? I turned to my good friend: Joel C. Marquette. A nice, well-spoken man, but also a grade-A goof. Below are a series of e-mails from Joel’s gmail account. All the responses are 100% authentic, but names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The Topic: Can I juggle while I parachute in tandem with my fiancee?

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I haven’t been to the gym in months, its awful. I can slip my entire arm through most keyholes and I break a sweat when I accelerate my car. When school is in session DJ and I try to stick with a fairly regimented work out schedule, pumping iron a minimum of three days a week. Unfortunately, we kind of slipped off our schedule…back in November. I have since found a supplemental exercise program, but in many ways its falls short. That program is Wii Fit. It is easy to use, I like the look of my Mii character and I can finally wear what I want (spandex) to the gym. I’ve been able to push aside the program’s shortcomings (ie: lack of results),until now. I’ve recently come to suspect my Wii Fit instructor is a gay.

Leslie, my instructor.

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The Swiss Government’s “Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology” has recently released a report entitled “The Dignity of Living Begins With Regard to Plants.” The twenty-four page expose proposes the notion that plants have some rights of their own. The committee purports that snipping a road-side wildflower for no reason is actually an immoral decapitation.

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According to this AFP article (I can only imagine AFP stands for Associated Fucking Press), 119 college presidents and other big wigs signed some gimmick asking for the legal drinking age to be lowered. Of course, some soccer mom has a huge problem with it, because she doesn’t understand how great booze is.

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