Anyone who knows me knows that I do not settle for anything less than the absolute best. I won’t eat re-heated pizza, I only wear black socks and I would never co-host a radio show unless I knew that my fellow host was an individual of exemplary moral fortitude. Of course, the same goes for my choice in female companions. This is how I envision my dream girl…
I’m a genius. Pheew. I’m glad I got that off my chest. It’s true. I’m pretty fantastic at pretty much anything. Unfortunately, one thing that I am not so swell at is mathematics. I know, hard to believe right? Well, it’s true. I really hardly know how to do any math at all. Basic addition maybe, but my skill levels end there. Consequently, I’ve found it necessary to enroll myself in the tutoring program at my college. I met with my tutor for the first time today. Our first lesson? Long division. I don’t know if you have ever heard of this stuff. I’m not sure if its considered calculus or trigonometry, but its pretty tough. Needless to say, being the math-novice that I am, I found it very confusing.
In today’s economy, I find it hard to believe that a TV channel like Food Network is able to keep all of its current programming and exist as a channel (although if there are even a thousand bored college students like me, they should have no trouble through January). Once January’s over, though, they’ll have to trim some fat (shoot me on-sight if you see me). Hopefully that fat will land itself in a place where it can grow into something immoral and mostly devoid of cooking advice. A tacky porn site. These are my ideas for the big switch:
When I think of squishy, intricate membrane where data and emotions can be stored and conjured, I almost always think: the human brain. We can all agree that brains are pretty useful, helping us humans accomplish tasks 4 out of 5 times. But I wouldn’t say the brain is perfect just yet, at least not mine. I’ve come to realize that my brain sometimes retains the less useful trivia (the chorus to “Breathless” by the Corrs, a complete walkthrough to Pokemon Red) and forget the worthwhile information (my ticketmaster username, the Italian language). Why is that? Who knows. All I know is that my brain (who I’ve nicknamed Brian) must be getting close to capacity or has been attempting to reorganize because things have been getting very hodgepodge. Today at Burger King, just before I could begin talking it out with my “Angry Whopper”, a particularly awful little saga bobbed to the top of my noggin: Driver’s ed.
No one has mastered the art of partying like Andrew W.K. For those who are unaware, he’s just released a compilation of his monthly advice column in Japan, has been featured in the January ’09 Esquire and is basically my new messiah. For those who haven’t had the pleasure, an Andrew W.K. party is truly a religious experience. Click here for tour dates.
What follows is our chat before the show, a photo gallery of winnebago/live shots and a full transcription of the interview (yeah, we’re starting to actually do some work around here). Enjoy!
If the picture browser is taking too long and you’re dying to see the rest click here for a raw gallery.
The transcription is after the jump!
The lovely Natalie Portman began her acting career in1994 starring in the movie Leon (aka the professional), a quirky flick about a professional assassin who begrudgingly befriends the young and spunky Mathilda (Portman). Hilarity, scenes of graphic violence and strong language ensue. I wish I could say that movie was my first, but alas it was not. Leon is rated-R and I was only seven at the time of its release. The title of my first movie goes to the forgettable Rock-a-doodle a 77-minute romp through the life and times of an Elvis-impersonating rooster whose voice causes the sun to rise. Fair enough. But, I’m an older man now; I can grow inklings of a moustache and carry televisions up and down flights of stairs. I have also learned valuable life-lessons, most notably: BE PREPARED. A simple dictum. A timeless truism. In order to be truly prepared you need to be ready for any situation imaginable. For example: What if I miraculously score a date with my prepubescent crush Queen Amidala/ Natalie Portman? You better believe I’ll have a game plan: