At the start of a new year everyone likes to make resolutions. It is very easy to say you are going to accomplish something when you know you still have 365 days left to put it off. I don’t know what kind of time you put into the whole resolution process. Some people take it pretty seriously; they really want to buckle down and get some shit down, which is fine. Other people make up some bull-shit thing and then don’t follow through on it. Actually, pretty much everyone gives up. Anyone remember your resolution from last year? Well, I do. It was to keep rocking constantly. I failed for about 45 minutes overall, but the other 525,555 minutes were no problem. Yeah, I know, what about the 175,184 minutes I spent sleeping? Well, I had rocking dreams and nightmares. But, anyway, it’s still a bull-shit resolution no matter how you slice or dice it.

You want some actual advice? You want to really be inspired? You want to truly change your life? Look no further than the theme song to American educational television program Arthur on PBS.

Prepare to cry your eyes out because you’re about to witness something spectacular:

Let’s break it down in a SmartassRadio lyrical breakdown.

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4 Things I Want To Do By 2011

Apparently New Year’s Eve has come and gone. From all accounts I was in New Paltz for two nights celebrating, but there is absolutely no way I could confirm or deny those statements. My calendar, on the other hand, is about as reliable as any other calendar and it tells me we’re now in the year 2010, which is pretty sweet. Only a few more years till hoverboards, Mastodon is probably gearing up to write another album which will leave my brains all over Roy’s walls, and from what I can gather, we still have two whole years before the planet implodes.

So, I felt it was appropriate to wait until about a week in to make my resolutions. I decided to whittle down the thousands and thousands of character flaws and gimmicks which have been holding me back from achieving massive amounts of success, fame and fortune and focus on five key things I want to be able to accomplish by the end of this year. Let’s get started!

1. I want to be able to play the ukulele better then this kid:

I’ve been putting some serious hours in on the ole’ six string recently, but if I’m going to complete resolution 2, I need to sharpen my uke skillz. This kid has the right idea – just sittin’ around laughin’ and bustin’ out some chords and singing whatever he’s singing. If you double click and read the info, apparently he slipped a “Surfin’ USA” in there somewhere. That’s what ukulele is all about.

2. I want to record an album at least as labor intensive as The Wolf by Andrew W.K.

I was just alerted this morning that every track on Andrew W.K.’s incredibly underrated second album, The Wolf, has between 90 and 200 tracks all recorded by Andrew W.K. That is fucking impressive. Can I write the anthems of a generation as poignantly as Mr. W.K.? Probably not. But can I throw a bunch of shit at the wall and see what sticks? Definitely. Then can I take said sticky shit and overwork it like an even more obsessive Axl Rose? Absolutely.

3. I don’t want to look like this at any point in 2010:

Unless Ralph Macchio just thrashed me in a tournament, there is no reason I should be asleep at a party. Especially if I went so far out of my way to dress up and look presentable. If I were smoking bongs at Roy’s place all night, it’s one thing. But to show up to a kegger dressed to the nine’s just to fall asleep – that’s simply unjustifiable.

4. I want to somehow be able to make whoever accidentally lands on this site a) actually want to read some of the bullshit on it and b) get the jokes.

A lot of people visit the site via random Google Image searches. That rocks. The problem is that once they right click and save their image as (I know Mac users, a two buttoned mouse is so 1998, AMIRITE? Trendy douchebags.). Where was I? These parenthetical asides always knock me for a loop – maybe my fifth resolution should be to make them shorter and funnier. Oh right, no one visits the site or seems to get the jokes. Well I honestly don’t see how I can change either of those things, so let me link you to two comments from 2009 that really really missed the boat. Numer 1. Number 2.

Hey kiddies! Uncle Chach-nof-ski has returned! For the record, I’d like to say that my L.L. Cool J-esque comeback has nothing to do with that terminally ill child who promised to stop writing me three letters a day if I started regular contribution again. I know that after the Michael Jackson/Farrah Fawcett/Cory Lidle thing no one can stand more bad news. Unfortunately, his Chachness has one more vine of sour grapes. Trent Reznor, the front man of your favorite band when you were in the seventh grade, has deleted his Twitter account!

According to Rolling Stone, “Prior to the deletion, Reznor talked about ditching Twitter because, simply, ‘Idiots rule.’ As Reznor reiterated in his NIN.com post, it was the trolling that made Twitter insufferable for him and caused the sudden end of @trent_reznor.”

Probably too old for Twitter anyway…

I realize that we haven’t heard the sweet tweetings of our gallant Trent since the tail end of July, but panic you should not! As a long time fan and stalker of Trent, I, the Great Chachámaron am here to catch you (yes even you in the XXL black Downward Spiral tee with the eleven stupid bracelets) up on his daily murmurings.

Some people say Wheaties is the breakfast of champions. I jerk off to David Bowie’s Laborynth every morning! Nothing ever Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
9:06 AM from TweetDeck

Remember when I had to like Johnny Cash’s cover of my song “hurt” just because he was dying? Yikes. Our version was way better.
12:21 PM from TweetDeck

God I love PETA. NIN stopped touring because I couldn’t bear to look at all the fans wearing fur anymore.
1:58 PM from TweetDeck

I lied. The real reason we stopped is that Perry Farrell filled my hotel room with blind men from Match.com last time we played Jersey.
3:34 PM from TweetDeck

The woman at the table next to me is eating the most delicious looking lamb! God I hate PETA!
6:41 PM from TweetDeck

Ah! Nothing like a warm cup of Earl Grey and a huge shot of heroin after a long day.
7:38 PM from TweetDeck

Even though Cody Chestnut does look good in leather, I’d prefer he didn’t wear leather as much as he does. I mean what about PETA?
9:01 PM from TweetDeck

Nevermind. I’m watching him on YouTube and he looks damn good in leather. But Cody’s the only exception. Don’t any of you get any leather ideas!
9:03 PM from TweetDeck

Wow. I’m almost too tired to listen to Ziggy Stardust and touch myself before I fall asleep. Goodnight Moon!
10:10 PM from TweetDeck

So, the first African American President of the Harvard Law Review caused quite a stir the other day. What the fuck was this asshat thinking? You don’t fly a 747 over a city which had its two biggest towers destroyed by passenger planes just seven and a half years ago. Apparently, Air Force One was out of commission and government officials needed to take pics of lower Manhattan. The plane was escorted by a pair of F-16s. The question isn’t why Barack Obama needed to be there instead of just letting the F-16s do all the work and not upset idiots in the city. No, the question here is do the British actually use the word “areoplane” over airplane?

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Beyond basic knowledge about your operating system, web browser and location (yea… where you live within a pretty reasonable distance), I don’t know too much about you guys – our readers. What I can surmise though, is there are about 100 people reading every day. I think it’s safe to assume some of you are the same people, which means posts like this, this and this really don’t bother you. If you do take offense to posts like that, read no further. – DJ

So, yesterday I slammed the Wall Street Journal’s dumb website for not poviding me with any good news. Then I actually went there. This is what I got. Now, I’ve made my views on organized religion pretty public – really I hate all religion, but those which are “organized” give me a very big, fat, bloated target to take aim at. Now, Pope Benedict has put his foot so far into his Nazi mouth, he’s likely to shit shoe leather later today.

Good golly, I sure wish I could take credit for this one.

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Kanye West eloquently rebutted allegations that he would do bi-sexual porn earlier this week. First of all, idiots, the term “bi-sexual porn” makes me want to have sex with a woman and then flirt with a guy. I’ve never once in my very lenthy porn watching career ever saw something I would consider “bi-sexual” – it’s straight or it’s gay. Regardless, I’d do it. In fact, I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I just watched the first 80% of Zach and Miri Make a Porno (fucking megavideo). So here’s a few porno ideas I hope to make one day. Or at least over the course of a few days.

I’m telling you – they’re total sluts.

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