Our friends across the pond, Mother England, have recently sunk into national tormoil after one of Britain’s top intelligence secret agents, James Bond, registered for an account on the popular web page Twitter. Bond, who is also known as Agent 007, claims he joined the site just to, “network and stay up to date on what Ryan Seacrest was doing.” However, Bond’s own updates have begun to undercut the secrecy of some highly classified British operations around the globe and Parliament is not happy.

One of Bond’s several compromising “tweets.”

Story continues after the jump…

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Hello everyone, I hope you are having a terrific week so far, I know mine has been pretty mediocre. Today I wanted to address a topic which, while not really in my field of interest, I am oftentimes asked about. That topic is the sensitive issue of foreplay. For those who do not know, foreplay is a romantic activity. An activity popularized by Mr. James Bond. I know I’m typing to a diverse crowd. There are some people who are very open with their sexuality. Then there are other, less whorish, less sinful, people who are preserving the sanctity of their loins for holy matrimony. Today I won’t be addressing either one because I’ve invented something new; it’s called fore-foreplay.

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I’m sure you heard through the ol’grapevine that the Swedes were creating a black hole in an underground labortory this week. For those who didn’t get the memo: it’s true. No, I’m not just presenting the plot to some James Bond movie as fact. This is what real humans thought would be a keen idea, creating a black hole in some bunker. What’s the worst that could happen? I’ll give you a hint, it starts with “Eradication” and ends with “of the human race”. B-I-N-G-O. Bingo, my man. You guessed it. Creating a black hole would kill everyone.

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