Missed Connections are the most desperate, pathetic form of making contact with a potential sexual partner. “I saw you on the L train last Monday around 10 AM. I know you noticed me too, but I was too shy chickenshit to go up to you and strike up a conversation. So, here I am writing, more or less, to the idea of you, hoping that you’re as pathetic as I am. If you’re interested in meeting up reply to this anonymous email.”

There’s no way these ever work. MAYBE on a campus newspaper, but certainly not on the craigslist from a major city. I’m sure none of you remember Joel C. Marquette or even knew who he was to begin with. Click this link to refresh your memory and then follow me while I explore his trials and tribulations through the world of Missed Connections.

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It’s amazing what people will tolerate when it comes to the dumbness of others. Anyone who has ever worked a job that involves public interaction has surely been accosted by questions, comments or criticisms which are so unreasonable or so vapid that the brain can barely compose a response. How many times have you pinched your brow, rolled your eyes or shook your head in disbelief at the ignorance of another? Still, we have to bite our tongues before we shout out, “How stupid can you be?” Well, I wanted to put it to the test. How stupid can a person be and still illicit a gracious response from someone? I turned to my good friend: Joel C. Marquette. A nice, well-spoken man, but also a grade-A goof. Below are a series of e-mails from Joel’s gmail account. All the responses are 100% authentic, but names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The Topic: Can I juggle while I parachute in tandem with my fiancee?

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