It’s summer, the good broadcast shows are off for a few months and unless you truly get enjoyment out of re-runs of the Simpsons, you’re probably watching cable. Well, lucky for us Spike, the network for men’s men, has lasted as long as it has as a channel. The geniuses who brought you Motor Madness and Striperella have finally come up with a show that doesn’t make you want to gauge out your eyes with that appendage which makes us men (thumbs… I’m using the term “man” classically – apparently 45% of Spike’s viewers are female.)
Deadliest Warrior is a great premise completed with OK production. If you haven’t seen it before, they basically take two historical badasses, test their weapons for effectiveness and simulate a highly improbable fight between them. For instance, during a marathon of carnage last week, I saw a knight fall at the hands of a pirate, a Spartan bend over and rape a ninja and the IRA totally outdrink the Taliban. Obviously, the forum for who can fight who is wide open (William Wallace vs. Shaka Zulu? Gimme a break.) So, we here at Smartass Labs have decided to run a few of our own Deadliest Warrior tests based mostly on fictional hardasses. Here are the three worth recounting:
John McClain vs. John Rambo
This one’s going to be a doozy (fuck me). John Rambo is my all-time favorite movie character ever and I still watch First Blood, First Blood Part 2: The Oxymoron and Rambo. III really doesn’t do it for me and I think most fans can agree. However, shortly after my introduction to Sly’s best character – eat my ass Balboa – I was introduced, by way of Frank, to John McClain and his barefoot terrorist bashing. So, let’s take a look at each man’s weapons:
For close combat Rambo’s bringing his signature bowie knife/machete and McClain will be wielding his police-issued Beretta. Right off the bat, I’m gonna give this one to Rambo. A handgun’s nice, but we’ve all seen Rambo and we all know a 9 mm gun cannot chop someone’s fucking head off. Plus, the gun has one use – the knife can be used in a hundred different ways. It is to Rambo what the whip is to Indiana Jones (who might be fighting Han Solo later on…).
For long range, McClain will be dishing out some punishment with any number of automatic weapons stolen from terrorists nearby. Rambo will be packing the exploding bow and arrow which he used in the second movie to avenge the death of his Asian call-girl. That guy blew up. However, McClain actually cut off a motherfucker at the knees with that machine gun in the first movie and he managed to kill the bad guys before they offed his bitch. Point: McClain.
Now, what they never show you in Deadliest Warrior is how they pick the fight scene. John McClain shows his ability to adapt to his environment in every movie. He really does kick ass anywhere he needs to, but they all tend to be in cities. Therefore, I again give the edge to Rambo. He proved in a single movie that he can fight hundreds of police (not unlike McClain) in the woods of Oregon (or Aragon as us LoTR fans like to say) and still go back into town and just blow everything the fuck up.
Our computer tried to run 1,000 simulations of the test, but my copy of Rambo III got angry that I slighted it earlier in the post and my hard-drive exploded. Win: Rambo, John J. Also, I like posting this clip.
Death Row vs. Bad Boy (West Coast, East Coast)
Now that the computers are back up and running (I have a backup this time). Let’s take a look at one of pop culture’s longest non-battles. Sure Tupac and Biggie exchanged words in a couple of songs. And, yeah, maybe both are now dead because of it, but what Deadliest Warrior is about is getting them down on the street slugging it out. I’m going to approach this one in a slightly different way than Rambo v. McClain. Instead of weapons, I want to analyze other factors: taunting ability, actual criminal records and post-1997 success. This is also our first time dealing with two groups instead of individuals. On the West Coast side: 2pac, Suge Knight, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and MC Hammer – the classic Death Row line-up. For the East Coast, we’re going Bad Boy, of course: Diddy, B.I.G., Mase, 112 and Faith Evans.
Well, the East Coast started this whole mess when Tim Dog released “Fuck Compton,” but he’s not in on this fight because of his shitty name. The West Coast response? “Fuck Wit Dre Day” the first real track on Dre’s first real solo album, “The Chronic.” I think it’s safe to say that one of the best parts of this song is Snoop Dogg’s tirade at the end where he just lists people who “can suck a big fat dick.” Many of rap’s detractors cite their inability to understand the lyrics because they’re too fast (I’m looking at you, Alabama), but in his weird southern drawl, Snoop makes it perfectly clear who exactly he wants to suck a big fat dick.
Following that Tupac and Biggie exchanged the following lines:
Who shot me? But ya punks didn’t finish, Now ya ‘bout to feel the wrath of a menace… Nigga, I hit ‘em up. – 2pac
Who shot Ya? Separate the weak from the obsolete, hard to creep them Brooklyn streets. – Biggie
Both equally weak. However, Tupac is technically from NY, so fuck the East Coast – Death Row hands down.
Actual Criminal Record:
West Coast: Snoop was accused and acquitted of murder, 2pac did time for killing someone (right?), Suge Knight is probably in jail right now, and MC Hammer deserves to be.
East Coast: Was Diddy ever late on his taxes?
Winner: West Coast
1989 Steven Seagal vs. 2009 Steven Seagal
This match-up is something I’ve been waiting to see for a long time. Here I’m going to base my analysis purely on the pictures above. I really don’t know much about Mr. Seagal, except that in 1989 he loved kicking ass in horrible movies. It’s recently come to my attention that in 2009 he likes kicking ass by making horrible music. Frankly, I think 1989 Seagal wouldn’t be able to handle the aural assault brought on by the thumb-strumming blues explosion Steven currently calls his live performances. I mean… look at that – it looks like he awkwardly wandered into a music store and picked up “one that looked like Jimi Hendrix’s” and did little more than fuck around with the open strings:
“Hey, Mike – check it out (Steven continues to play an out of tune, out of time version of “Smoke on the Water”). Fuckin’ Deep Purple! You think I should buy it?”
“I think I’m gonna buy it.”
Winner: 2009 Steven Seagal.