Earlier in the week DJ brought to my attention a startling fact: apparently you people are not very literate. Well either that or the content on this site is just too stupid- though no particular post comes to mind. Here’s the evidence:

88% Basic 11% Intermediate 1% Posts by Patty O’Leary

Not looking good. Well, luckily I work in a library and I happened to have some archive access. That’s right! I have access to archived books- really famous manuscripts that have never been released! So, in an effort to boost our reading level, I stole this exclusive chapter excerpt from Herman Melville’s classic Moby Dick. These particular chapters were censored from the original publication because they describe the whale’s penis and Ishmael’s diatribe on whale semen. It’s pretty boring stuff, but I can guarantee you that this is 100% real. I stole these documents from the library I work at and copied them here, word for word, verbatim. Enjoy:

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1. Pepper your narrative with words like, afficionado and cajoles.
2. Describe fishing as a spiritual ritual.
3. After eating, have characters sop up meat juice with a piece of bread.
4. After they have ate, wound one of your characters.
5. Describe drinking absinthe as a spiritual ritual.
6. Go to war, get published, remarry, repeat.
7. Describe meat juice sopping as a spiritual ritual.
8. Befriend cats, grow beard.