Hello everyone, welcome to my website SmartassRadio.com. I don’t really care for the name, but now that DJ has moved on to his real job and left me to manage the entire site by myself, I guess I have to stick with it. So, as the banner above promises, we (me) here at SmartassRadio provide you readers with a new blog everyday. Now today DJ was going to put one up, but low and behold it is 10:23PM, there is no new blog and DJ is almost certainly asleep. Well DJ you know what they say, YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE. Thankfully, I am here to put up a blog myself (hooray!!!). Right now I only have an hour and 35 minutes before the deadline. Can I do it? Of course I can!!! Will it be worth reading? Better than nothing!!!
Now what can I write about in such a rush. My instinct is telling me Megan Fox. No, no, she deserves better than an hour and 34 minutes worth of minimal workmanship. Let’s see what is going on around me…the Stanley Cup finals are on…what could I write about that. I guess I could talk about how little I care about the Stanley Cup finals….not very funny. I applied to Toys R Us the other day. That’s really a joke in itself. Unfortunately for all our future blogs, I won’t be taking the job, even if I get it. I found a much better job: babysitting. I know, I know, hold your tongues. Babysitting does sound like a pretty lame/gay/not real job. But listen to this: $10/hour off the books, 5+ hour stints, 4+ days a week. I’ve got some money saved up from the semester and that will more than cover my expenses for the summer. Plus all I have to do is play board games, watch television and get beat up by children and a dog (hooray!!!).
Wow, sorry for turning this blog in a “Dear Diary” for a moment. Again I’ll remind you that I was not planning on writing a blog today. I was going to read a bit and work on writing an abstract for a conference paper, but someone (DJ) dropped the ball. Alright, so what can I write about. Oh, I know I’ll write about how hot Megan F–no, no I already went through that. What else is around the room….my laptop…the rug….Sun Chips….that’s it!!! Sun Chips!!! Now I just need to find something interesting or funny or noteworthy about these Sun Chips. *Crunch* Hmm, they taste delicious. How long could I write about how good Sun Chips taste. Maybe two paragraphs. Eleven if I’m drunk….but I’m not drunk. What else can I say. OK, these are called “Harvest Chedder” flavor. Mhmm…that’s not an actual thing….Perfect!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, with an hour and 26 minutes to go, here are four Sun Chip’s flavors that don’t make sense:
1) Harvest Cheddar
If Doritos were made out of edible materials they would be Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips. An absolutely delicious chip, but one that is not based on anything real. I’m not going to drag you through my meandering thoughts; let’s fast-forward to the conclusion: Sun Chips are trying to be the new “Healthy,” “Organic,” “Green” chip and, consequently, they have added unnecessary words to their flavors. What is this chip’s flavor: Cheddar. C-H-E-double D-A-R.. Just cheddar. People do not only harvest cheese in the autumn. It is a year around product, that’s why you can eat Cheddar Sun Chips on Christmas Eve or Memorial Day. What is the difference between Cheddar and Harvest Cheddar? Why don’t we let Google Images decide:
Here’s the first image for “Cheddar”:
Here’s the first image for “Harvest Cheddar”:
2) Garden Salsa
Same story. What is salsa? A disgusting junk food eaten by illegal immigrants most likely, either that or stoner losers who wet the bed. Standard stereotyping. What is garden salsa? Well, that is a delightful treat that environmentalists sustainably snack on while planting cherry tomatoes and baby corn. Of course, when I do another google image search, this time for “Garden Salsa,” the first picture is of a bag of Sun Chips. That’s because “Garden Salsa” doesn’t actually exist. What could it mean? More vegetables than typical Salsa? Or does it mean they include dirt, mud and earthworms in the recipe? Salsa is made from three things: tomatoes, peppers and onions. Why would you ever want to add more than that? Three vegetables and you’ve got it covered. I’ve never had the “Garden Salsa” Sun Chips, but I assume there are chunks of lettuce and bugs inside each bag.
3) French Onion
OK, clearly Sun Chips are not the only chip brand that produces a “French Onion” flavor, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take a moment to think about what that means. French Onion is a soup. Everyone can agree on that right? I’ve had some French Onion soup and I understand what it tastes like. It tastes like liquid onion, dissolving bread and a chunky, hot cheese lid. French Onion chips do not taste like that. Furthermore, France does not produce a lot of onions. BOOM, SCIENCE:
You can’t see, but all the onions are made in China and India…not France
4) Peppercorn Ranch
What the fuck does “Peppercorn Ranch” mean? I guess first you need to know what Peppercorn means. I figured it must be some exotic spice. Some kind of Dr.Seuss-like dreamy fern. Nope. Peppercorn is another name for Pepper. Just typical pepper. So, these are just normal Ranch flavored chips with a dash of pepper? Is adding Pepper to a chip such a weird thing? I would imagine several chips include pepper in their list of ingredients. Here are some acceptable uses of the term “Peppercorn Ranch”:
As for Sun Chips, just another clever advertising name change.
Now would you believe that is all the flavors of Sun Chips? It is! The only other one is “Original.” Sun Chips have been around since 1991 and I’m sure they’ve changed a part of the recipe since then, so I will assume that the term “Original” is also a misnomer.