Well after much debate, I have decided that, ultimately, my posts are better written in regular ink. These past few months, following the advice of friends, I experimented with writing in invisible ink. The obvious benefits being, a) hey, it saves money and 2) it’s easy on the hand. The drawback: eye straining. Hold on, Charlie’s calling me…

Hey Charlie, how’s it going you douche?
Haha, yeah, I hear THAT.
No, no, I’m ME. That was just something Ricky was spouting. But, yeah, everything’s good here.
No dude, I’m actually writing a blog post right now.
Yeah, SmartassRadio.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, it’s just music blogs now, but, yeah, Rihanna’s fine.
Well that’s because I stopped writing them for months. I don’t think I’ve written since September or something.
No, I just told everyone I had been using invisible ink, it’s fine.
No, it worked, they bought it.
Charlie, they bought it, OK?
Dude, I don’t know why you’re trying to argue this with me. I told everyone I had been writing with invisible ink. That explains the hiatus.
How should I know how that’s possible? It’s just some digital invisible ink.
Yes, I know there are no lemons.
Yes.
Yes.
I know.
Thank you Charlie, I understand the situation.
Listen you douche I have to go.
It’s going to be about Kanye fucking West, happy?
Kanye West. The rapper.
No, it’s not about “the Taylor Swift shit,” no one is still talking about “the Taylor Swift shit”?
No, they’re not Charlie.
Charlie, you moron, if anyone is still making jokes about Kanye West yelling at Taylor Swift they are fucking out of the loop.
What loop? You really are dumb Charlie. The metaphoric loop of high society.
Yes.
No, I speak in metaphors all the time.
I do.
Yeah, I’m a rocket science at it.
I know that was the joke.
Anyway, I have to go.
No, I can’t.
OK, you have two seconds.
That was like seven minutes Charlie, I said two seconds.
No, I understand point though. It is a sick album.
This week I’ve been listening to this new album. It’s a collaboration between The Black Keys and all these different rappers called Blakroc.
Like Mos Def, Jim Jones, RZA. Ludacris is actually on the first track.
It’s funny, but the track kind of sucks.
No, the rest of the album is really good. I liked it.
So, yeah, that. I think me and my friend Felix are actually going to review it later. So that will probably get up on the site.
Other than that? The new Animal Collective EP is really good, but I wouldn’t really review that for the site.
I don’t know, it’s just not something I would do.
I don’t know, I don’t really want to write an actual review of an album I think is great.
Well the Blakroc thing is going to be fun and funny too. I don’t usually write seriously for the site.
More like joke stuff.
Yeah, they’re like half-music, half-joke blogs usually.
I actually haven’t come up with the jokes for this Kanye shit, I will though.
No, that’s it. I’m going to write it now. Good-bye.
Bye Charlie.

Hey everyone, sorry about that. That was my friend Charlie. He just wanted to know what time I’m going to Courtney’s. Well here’s the answer: never, because Courtney has swine flu and I don’t need to deal with that shit.

Anyway, on a completely unrelated note, I know there have been some rumors about me. Particularly, a set of rumors being circulated by one Mr. Rick Pachachsky. I don’t want to give this issue anymore “air time” than it deserves, which is frankly zero, but let me just wrap up this paragraph by saying, once and for all, I am not a paid actor playing the role of “Roy.” I am just one person. There is not some “idea” of “Roy” that different actors have been playing since 2001. I am not an experimental performance piece. I am just a single individual.

On a second completely unrelated note that has been brought to my attention in a very similar way, I know there have been some rumors about me. Particularly, a set of rumors that I began circulating last Valentine’s Day. I don’t want to give this “issue” anymore air time than it “deserves,” but let me just say: Yes, Rihanna and I are doing fine.

OK, now that we have taken care of that housekeeping, so to speak, let me get down to business: As you undoubtedly glanced by from the title of this music article, I will be discussing some new leaked inside information about Kanye West’s upcoming album. This information, for a series of complicated reasons, is very exclusive and I would imagine this is the only news source that has the dubious scoop:

Kanye’s next album, “Lust,” will contain eleven new tracks and comes out December 25th.

Pretty interesting information. Personally, I’m excited to learn more about this project. Particularly, I would like to know if anyone could possibly verify those facts for me? Let me also take this time to emphasize an important, but completely unrelated point, I am not a music journalist. So, this new Kanye album is going to be awesome.

Welcome home,

Hey you! Glad to see you made it back. Crazy weekend right? Ha, yeah, good one. Me? I actually went up to New Paltz. Yeah. Pretty cool. Well I took the bus, then DJ came up too and we drove back yesterday. Good times. How about you? Really? This entire time you’ve been waiting for my next blog post? Oh shit, I’m sorry about that, I had no idea. The banner? Well, yeah, of course, I realize. I know. Yes, I know what it means. Well, we have a different definition of “daily” here, so why don’t you chill out. Listen I’m giving you the blog right now, shut up:

As many of you know I am an excellent writer and a really terrific literary analyst. Exhibit A: this blog. What some people are failing to realize, however,  is (unlike most worker-bee drones) I know how to separate work and play. Just because I am a truly extrodinary master of letters does not mean I have imbued my daily life with literary jibber-jab.  The reason I bring this up is because many people (fans) have been complimenting me on the brilliant literary devices I have been adding to my Facebook pictures.

Let me make myself clear: I am NOT purposefully posting photographs with figurative meanings, symbolic readings or any sort of metaphoric level.

Again:  Any pictures of me that are floating around the web are just that, floating pictures. Please stop reading into these pictures and coming up with absurd conclusions about my personal life.

I understand that some of you A) have not been assuming all pictures of me have metaphoric meanings, B) are not even friends with me on Facebook, or C) are not even 100% sure who I am, but I still want to make things crystal clear for those of you who have been berating me with these slanderous e-mails.

Here are some of the pictures that have been garnering the most poppycock:

The Precipice

People see this picture and seem to think I am trying to represent some type of interior conflict. My figure stands looking off into the distance longingly, balanced precariously between a higher and lower body of water.  Yes, I understand this picture was taken in the Spring (a time of rebirth) and that there were many new changes on my horizon. Just for example, DJ would be moving out of New Paltz and we would no longer be living together. Sure, that was a big change, but was it something I was mulling over at this point? No, it wasn’t. I was just enjoying a hike in the woods.

The Sojourn

Here’s another picture that has gotten too much uncalled-for interpretation. It’s a picture of DJ and I walking down a path into a distant, dark brush. Now some people have been hassling me; they seem to think this picture is some metaphor for DJ and I traveling down the road of life: spending time together as two good friends, striding side-by-side with feelings of glee and jollity. These same critics will then make some kind of argument like, “the dark woods you’re approaching represent your encroaching separation and the unknown future that you must both now confront.” That is, of course, completely off base. Again, we are just going on a hike here. I think we were talking about cool it would be to stage a sword-fight battle on that open terrain. We were not meditating on what the future held.

The Hermit

People look at this picture and then immediately turn to me and say, “Roy, why are you trying to shield yourself from the truth?” I then turn to these people, wide-eyed, and say, “What in the Lord’s name are you talking about?” To which these people reply, “Roy, the metaphors couldn’t be more easily presented. You have constructed a fairly exact model of DJ’s skull and wore it over your head. The fear of losing DJ has blinded you to the future and you are now stuck in a stagnant pool of indecision. Your life feels void and you don’t know which direction to turn.” I’m usually stunned at this point and can only insist, “No, that’s not it at all…this was just me walking around campus… I found that on top of pile of trash…”

But no one ever wants to here my logical explanations, they just like the flash and glam of their meandering hypotheses.

The Trials

Finally, people have found this picture of me in my new apartment to be quite symbolic. Why do people seem to think that my half-grown moustache, half-lit room and half-drank cream ale are depressing images? Again the metaphoric interpretations abound when people see this picture. The new apartment symbolizes my new life; I feebely attempt to find a comfort as I reassemble the “puzzle” of my exsistence. The loneliness of not living with DJ is slowing eating me alive from the inside out. That’s not it at all!! I’m having tons of fun in this picture, can’t you see that?! I don’t even mind that I won’t be living with DJ this fall!! Knock it off!! Yes, I’m listening to Mastodon right now, but not just because it reminds me of DJ!!

I’m not crying!! Close the door!! Let me work on my puzzle!! I’m not crying!!!