Hey kiddies! Uncle Chach-nof-ski has returned! For the record, I’d like to say that my L.L. Cool J-esque comeback has nothing to do with that terminally ill child who promised to stop writing me three letters a day if I started regular contribution again. I know that after the Michael Jackson/Farrah Fawcett/Cory Lidle thing no one can stand more bad news. Unfortunately, his Chachness has one more vine of sour grapes. Trent Reznor, the front man of your favorite band when you were in the seventh grade, has deleted his Twitter account!

According to Rolling Stone, “Prior to the deletion, Reznor talked about ditching Twitter because, simply, ‘Idiots rule.’ As Reznor reiterated in his NIN.com post, it was the trolling that made Twitter insufferable for him and caused the sudden end of @trent_reznor.”

Probably too old for Twitter anyway…

I realize that we haven’t heard the sweet tweetings of our gallant Trent since the tail end of July, but panic you should not! As a long time fan and stalker of Trent, I, the Great Chachámaron am here to catch you (yes even you in the XXL black Downward Spiral tee with the eleven stupid bracelets) up on his daily murmurings.

Some people say Wheaties is the breakfast of champions. I jerk off to David Bowie’s Laborynth every morning! Nothing ever Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
9:06 AM from TweetDeck

Remember when I had to like Johnny Cash’s cover of my song “hurt” just because he was dying? Yikes. Our version was way better.
12:21 PM from TweetDeck

God I love PETA. NIN stopped touring because I couldn’t bear to look at all the fans wearing fur anymore.
1:58 PM from TweetDeck

I lied. The real reason we stopped is that Perry Farrell filled my hotel room with blind men from Match.com last time we played Jersey.
3:34 PM from TweetDeck

The woman at the table next to me is eating the most delicious looking lamb! God I hate PETA!
6:41 PM from TweetDeck

Ah! Nothing like a warm cup of Earl Grey and a huge shot of heroin after a long day.
7:38 PM from TweetDeck

Even though Cody Chestnut does look good in leather, I’d prefer he didn’t wear leather as much as he does. I mean what about PETA?
9:01 PM from TweetDeck

Nevermind. I’m watching him on YouTube and he looks damn good in leather. But Cody’s the only exception. Don’t any of you get any leather ideas!
9:03 PM from TweetDeck

Wow. I’m almost too tired to listen to Ziggy Stardust and touch myself before I fall asleep. Goodnight Moon!
10:10 PM from TweetDeck

[This is a first here on Smartass Radio - a guest blog. This is by author R.A. Riekki who is America's first real metal novelist. His debut novel, U.P.,is available from Ghost Road Press.The book is an insane romp through Michigan's Upper Peninsula. If you're sick of Chuck Palahniuk, or if you like metal, rap or punk, or if you have cerebral palsy, or if you grew up in the shitty part of town, or if you just like to read really good, original novels, this is probably the book you've been waiting a long time for. Go buy it. Now. - DJ]

I can understand why DJ asked me to do a top five metal list, he’d just read my novel U.P., which features a character who is a huge metalhead.  And Ghost Road is offering me a four book deal in which in 2010 Ghost Road will release my novella A Portrait of the Artist as a Boogey Man, about a schizophrenic John Denver/Slayer fan, which will then be followed by two more books (I Hate It Here and Hunger and the Ass) in 2011 and 2012 in which metal is referenced throughout.  But, still, when DJ asked me to do a top five list of metal albums from 1989, I initially got a bit nervous.  How do you narrow down to five?  On my web site, I started listing my top ten favorite artists I’m listening to right now and I haven’t been able to stop.  I’m over a hundred already.  And it’s a huge list–everything from Kerli‘s “Walking on Air” to At the Drive-in‘s “One Armed Scissor” to Lyle Lovett‘s “North Dakota” to The Fast Computers “Gravitylove.“  I just love music.  Always have.  Intensely.  I don’t fully know why.  I just do.

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