It’s my understanding that we have a lot of international readers. So for their benefit, I’ll briefly describe what we in American call an “election.” You see, once every few years, when hack comedians run out of bad jokes about our beloved president, another man challenges his throne. Then we watch “pundits” bicker about the merits of these two men on TV for about three years. When the American people decide they can’t take it anymore, the men choose other men as their partners through civil union and the pundits argue about the partners’ merits for another six months or so. Finally, if the groundhog doesn’t see its shadow, three states get to choose who our next president will be. This year, the man who won wore black face in tribute to the great minstrels of our country’s glorious past. Of course, he’s not any different than you or me or the last president, for that matter.

Apparently they’re holding erections in Iran now- Did I jus- HAHAHAHAHAHA. OHHHHH WHEW! Wow… that was crazy. Iran is holding elections over there now. As with any election, this one has had its fair share of problems. Held on Friday(?), the elections were really important, I guess. According to some reliable sources, Iran has been fucking around with nuclear weapons, or something. Unlike in the good old US of A, the Iranians couldn’t choke down the cold hard facts. Instead of realizing that they are a silly display not unlike the WWE, Iranians expected the words “change” and “hope” to actually mean something. It’s like they believe every movie they see over there. In their defense, there are only three movies available in Iran and they’re all documentaries.

You really want the Iranian Steven Spielberg running your country? Didn’t you see the last Indiana Jones?

So, in an unprecedented display of machismo and huge fucking nuts (being the opposite of giant, crying, pussy), Presidential Candidate Mir Hossein Moussavi claimed the elections were rigged in favor of current President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. To be honest, I don’t see it. I mean President Ahmadinejad did get 62% of the vote (a total of 13 voters made up mostly of his own staff) versus 33% for Moussavi and the obligatory 5% of crazies split between Ron Paul and Ralph Nader.  Mr. Moussavi, you should be ashamed of yourself. Seriously, your country is suffering from riots, its citizens are having their rights taken away and war with a super power is imminent and all you can think about is how you didn’t win an election? What are you going to tell me next, that this Pall Mall 100 isn’t going to soothe my sore throat? Puh-lease!

You see, here in America, we accept the harsh truth that a puppet government forces us to – we have no control over what happens ever. So what? You want to be burdened with making decisions which might affect someone other than yourself? Say Moussavi got elected and turned out to be a total nutjob and didn’t wear pants to work every day. You want to be responsible for that? Didn’t think so. A wise ex-English teacher once taught me a valuable lesson: the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. Which generally holds true, unless that devil has demonstrated his inability to lead or string together coherent thoughts time and time again, James.

This guy gets shit done.

The point is this – it doesn’t matter and it never will. In fact, I’m fairly certain that every event I just mentioned was entirely fabricated by the media for their own amusement. No shit. For instance, I caught Anderson Cooper saying the following at dinner the other night:

We make everything up. There are more factual events taking place on Spike’s Deadliest Warrior.

I may or may not have actually heard that at dinner the other night. Come to think of it, I’ve never even met Anderson Cooper, but I did once hear his voice set to ominous music in a documentary on Google Video, so he might as well have been sitting in my living room revealing all his dirty, silver haired secrets, of which I’m sure there are many. According to some of his peers, that old queen hides a secret about as well as an elephant hides its trunk.

In the end, what will probably happen is the American people will once again be forced to watch the same view of the Missile Command championships in night-vision on CNN, ABC, NBC, Fox, CBS (yeah, assholes, you got listed after Fox), and a plethora of other shit-stain networks as our country bombs the fuck out of Iran for one reason or another. After two weeks of that, it’ll probably be football season and, frankly, most of us can’t be bothered – with the way the league is shaping up this year (what drama!), who could even blame us? Football rules and Iran drools.

Hi there Kim Jong Un! I’m so glad you were able to find this blog post. I’m sure your father, Kim Jong Il, a self-proclaimed master of the internet, was the one who turned you on to this post. I hope this reaches you in good health. Now, the reason I’m writing this post is because I’ve just recently heard that it looks like you will be your father’s successor as the ruler of North Korea. Imagine that! So, weird that first your grandfather, then your dad and now you all get to be the rulers of your country. Wacky stuff! Anyway, I just thought I’d give you a few pointers before you were officially made into a god among men.

KIM JONG UN AND KIM JONG IL DO NOT READ THIS PARAGRAPH, SKIP AHEAD TO THE NEXT ONE PLEASE. THANK YOU.
Hello everyone else, listen you are probably a little confused about what I’m doing here. To put it simply: I’m saving your ass. You’ve all heard about North Korean and how they have all those nuclear weapons and all. Not the best news. Well listen, what you might not know is that Kim Jong Il is a certified nutcase. I mean like, perhaps the most outrageous crazy person on the planet. I’m hoping that he’s so crazy that he would never even be able to use these nuclear killing machines. But in order to insure that, I have to make sure his son is just as crazy, preferably even crazier. I want Kim Jong Un to be such a lunatic that he won’t be able to do diddly-squat.

OK KIM JONG UN AND IL YOU CAN START READING AGAIN.
Hi there Kim Jong Un! Glad to have you back. So anyway, one day you are going to be the leader of your country, but are you sure you can fill your dad’s shoes? I think you have what it takes, but just to be safe I’ve outlined a few tips here to make sure you get everything just right! Yay!

1) You need great ideas.
Kim Jr your dad had some great ideas. For example, your old man wanted to solve Korea’s famines by breeding giant bunny rabbits. Giant bunny rabbits don’t exist you say? Oh, Kim Jr…Kim Jr…you are so naive. Of course they do! Some guy in Germany breeds them and they are way, way bigger than normal bunny rabbits! And you know what that means: more meat! And you know what that means: more bunny meat food! That’s right. One of these giant bunny rabbits provides 15 POUNDS of edible product!!! You read that correct: 15 POUNDS!!! Compare that to the meager 725 pounds of meat you get from a standard cattle cow and I think you can see just how smart your daddy is. Also, it only takes much, much more vegetables and rabbit food to grow these giant bunnies, so no problem. When you are leader of North Korea make sure you devote a lot of time to coming up with terrific ideas like this. Definitely focus on doing that and not blowing up California with nuclear weapons.

2) Get really good at one sport.
Kim Jr I’m sure you have heard this over a Thanksgiving dinner many a time, but your father is the greatest golfer in world history. That’s right! In fact the first time your Dad ever played golf, the very first time when he went out on a North Korean golf course with only his closest bodyguards and no cameras or outsiders, that very first time he golfed he scored 38 below par AND got a hole-in-one 11 times!!! That is a world record score!!! Can you believe it! Well you better because every single one of your dad’s bodyguards said it was truth and just to prove that he is the best, your dad has promised to never play another game of golf in his life.
Now Kim Jr you are clearly never going to be better than your dad at golf, but how about you just pick another sport. Let’s say…darts. Do you think you can 300 bull’s eyes in a row? I bet your Dad could. How about you try to do that when you get “elected” leader of North Korea. You should focus on doing that for sure, much cooler than blowing up California with nuclear weapons.

3) Support the arts.
Kim Jr do you know how much your papa liked the arts? Answer: a ton. Kim Jong Il likes movies so much that he has actually written books on it. He claims to own over 20,000 movies (some of his favorites being James Bond, Rambo and anything with Elizabeth Taylor). At some point he decided he liked movies so much that he wanted to make one in North Korean, but as luck would have it he didn’t have a good director or actress. No problem! He just kidnapped two from South Korea. Really. In the late 70′s he kidnapped Shin Sang-ok, a director; and Shin’s ex-wife, Choi Eun-hee a popular actress. He made them help produce a pro-communist, Godzilla-esque movie called “Pulgasari.” Eventually the two escaped and sought political asylum in America. Shin did go on to make some films in the United States too. One of which you may have heard of: “3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain” starring Hulk Hogan. Again, that is true.
So, Kim Jr once again you have some pretty tremendous shoes to fill. Are you ready and willing to be so dedicating to bettering the arts in your country? I hope so. I heard there are tons of great experimental musicals hanging around Union square and Williamsburg in NYC. Maybe you can kidnap some of them and have them make a rock opera for you. It’s a tad bit illegal, but still a much better task to focus on when compared to blowing up California with nuclear weapons.

4) Have some standards.
Kim Jr if you are going to be like your pop you are going to need to set some standards for yourself. You are going to be the ruler of a Communist country and you know what that means: you need to live much more extravagantly than the starving proletariat. Your dad has a team of women inspect his rice to make sure every grain is of uniform size, color and plumpness*. He has $20 million dollars worth of Mercedes shipped in, drinks $200,000 worth of Hennessy a year and imports the finest Swedish prostitutes**. Again Kim Jr, I ask you….are you ready to live that kind of lifestyle? I sure hope so, because I imagine keeping up with that lifestyle takes a lot of time and energy. I need you focusing all your time and energy on living like Lux Luther and not blowing up California with nuclear weapons.

*Also your father refuses to fly on planes so instead he takes an armored train everywhere he goes and when he gets hungry on said train he has fresh lobsters flown into the moving locomotive. I figured I would throw that in there.

**Oh, also your dad injects himself with the blood of virgins to stay young. Clearly a reasonable idea.

5) Teamwork.
Teamwork,. Teamwork. Teamwork. Teamwork. Remember that word Kim Jr, because it is a value you need to learn. You know your Dad knew how to be a team-player! Example number one: Kim Jong Il hates short people (and is 5’3′’), so he has filled the government with only tall people and in the past has exported short North Koreans to inhabitable islands so they can no longer infest the gene pool. TEAMWORK!. Kim Jong Il was once addicted to cigarettes. His doctor told him he would have to stop, so Mr. Il made the entire country stop too. If you were caught smoking the government would kill your family. TEAMWORK! Mr. Jong once had to take painkillers for an injury. He didn’t want to get addicted to them, so he made a bunch of his staff members also take the painkillers. He figured if he was going to get addicted, all his friends would too. TEAMWORK! Mr. Kim had his former elementary school blown up because the school had begun teaching ordinary children, not just the children of high-up government officials. He thought that would give the simpletons too much of a competitive edge. So he blew up the entire building. TEAMWORK!
As for you Kim Jong Un, do not blow up California with nuclear weapons.

6) Always tell the truth.
Most importantly Kim Jr, you need to remember to always tell the truth. If your dad didn’t always tell the truth how would the world have ever found out he was the greatest golfer who ever lived? It is so especially important for your daddio to tell the truth because pretty much all the textbooks in North Korean are focused on him. If you really want to learn about your daddy maybe you should pick up one of these textbooks and read through it a bit. I bet you will learn things that you would have never known by actually observing what your dad does. For example: did you know that when your father was born (in February) it suddenly became Spring and several rainbows appeared in the sky? Totally true. Also, did you know that your father does not produce urine or shit? That’s right, your old-man does not defecate at all. Pretty cool stuff. So, I guess, along with learning to always tell the truth, you should figure out how to no longer take a dump. More specifically, learn how to never take a nuclear dump on California.