In recent months, two metal shows have been created by less-than-qualified individuals. First, the TalkingMetal,com clowns were given a show on Fuse. My loathing for that podcast and its snore inducing hosts cannot be put into words, so I’ve avoided it like the plague. Second, is Eddie Trunk‘s new VH1 Classic outfit That Metal Show (co-hosted by comedian Jim Florentine and some guy named Don Jamieson). To give you an idea of how little attention this show warrants, it has been on now since December 6th, 2008 and the date I’m writing this is April 5th, 2009. I know I really shouldn’t expect much from VH1 Classic or anything Eddie Trunk ever does, but when a show comes out and it’s called “That Metal Show,” there is an immense amount of curiosity.

When I started this website, I planned on keeping things relatively metal, but honestly, I just can’t do as good a job as some others. My dedication is ultimately to myself and my ego, so following other people’s careers for a career just couldn’t work for me. Luckily, the word “metal” does not appear in the URL or our tagline (anymore) so I kinda side stepped that completely after a few months of miserable failure. However, if I were, a metal blogger, writer, podcaster, or just a hardcore fan, I would be absolutely insulted that this is what I’ve been handed as “metal on TV.”

I’ll begin by giving you Wikipedia’s description of the episode I watched, which was apparently episode three of season two. Season one had seven whole episodes (Power Rangers’ first season had 65, so the term “season” apparently doesn’t mean shit). Here it is:

They begin the episode by discussing music in the digital age and the differences between listening to an album and downloading songs off of iTunes. They welcome out Nuno Bettencourt and Gary Cherone (who enters through the audience). They discuss several things including the reasons that Extreme is coming back now and how it was following David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar in Van Halen. Don and Jim revisit the “Van Halen TV” bit and go to London for “Motorhead TV.” Eddie got two and a half out of four in “Stump the Trunk.” The pick of the weeks were Danko Jones by Jim, The Binges by Don, and Richie Kotzen by Eddie. They discuss “Whatever Happened to”. The “Throwdown” is “Which is the meaner album: Slayer’s Reign in Blood or Pantera’s Vulgar Display of Power. Gary, Nuno, Jim, and Don choose Pantera and Eddie chooses Slayer.

Literally that was it. I took notes throughout and that’s kinda what they look like. You could read that and come away with just as much knowledge as you did going in. But, I’m not here to recap, I’m here to criticize and insult, so without further ado…

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Let me state that following a Static X post with post about Predator X is like following the Jonas Brothers with Pantera. That being said, don’t judge Predator X before you read this. – DJ

Fuckin’ a – how come only news sources (and tabloids) ending in .co.uk bring us anything usefull to read while NYT.com and online.wsj.com/home-page (that url makes me sick) just keep cramming economic jargon down our throats in vain attempts at educating the masses (read: “making the masses feel like dumb assholes”). This week during my travels through the jollier section of the Internet, I came across this kickass piece of news.

Is that a T-Rex with flippers? No. It’s worse.

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[This is a first here on Smartass Radio - a guest blog. This is by author R.A. Riekki who is America's first real metal novelist. His debut novel, U.P.,is available from Ghost Road Press.The book is an insane romp through Michigan's Upper Peninsula. If you're sick of Chuck Palahniuk, or if you like metal, rap or punk, or if you have cerebral palsy, or if you grew up in the shitty part of town, or if you just like to read really good, original novels, this is probably the book you've been waiting a long time for. Go buy it. Now. - DJ]

I can understand why DJ asked me to do a top five metal list, he’d just read my novel U.P., which features a character who is a huge metalhead.  And Ghost Road is offering me a four book deal in which in 2010 Ghost Road will release my novella A Portrait of the Artist as a Boogey Man, about a schizophrenic John Denver/Slayer fan, which will then be followed by two more books (I Hate It Here and Hunger and the Ass) in 2011 and 2012 in which metal is referenced throughout.  But, still, when DJ asked me to do a top five list of metal albums from 1989, I initially got a bit nervous.  How do you narrow down to five?  On my web site, I started listing my top ten favorite artists I’m listening to right now and I haven’t been able to stop.  I’m over a hundred already.  And it’s a huge list–everything from Kerli‘s “Walking on Air” to At the Drive-in‘s “One Armed Scissor” to Lyle Lovett‘s “North Dakota” to The Fast Computers “Gravitylove.“  I just love music.  Always have.  Intensely.  I don’t fully know why.  I just do.

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