There is a ton of evidence stacking up against me and it’s high time I acknowledge it. I’m becoming a piece of white trash human garbage. In the four years since I’ve left High School, I have absolutely let the semi-freedom of college destroy me as a person. While, I’m very comfortable with the latest incarnation of me, I think it’s important to look back at where I came from.

Here’s the earliest picture of me on Facebook:

Look at this sweet boy with his girlfriend enjoying a delicious lollipop after a day at the mall. Oh, look he has a Metallica cap on. You bought it where? Hot Topic? Precious.

I dare you to follow the jump and keep reading.

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I thought Kim Kardashian was just a gorgeous, mindless, single slut- but I was totally wrong: she is not single. Apparently, she has been dating Reggie Bush, who was also, apparently, carved from ivory ebony. For the past few years I thought Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were the best looking couple possible. WRONG. Take a look at these two people who are of solely physical worth:

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If you are a Facebook user then you have undoubtedly seen these cartoon group tagging pictures;  you may have even been tagged in one. It’s a way to almost, kind of, psuedo-bond with people you are somewhat acquainted with. You get to sort of compliment people by reducing them to a positive stereotype. Fun! Look how creative and clever you look! After tagging up the photo, you get to see the comments roll in and soon your in-box is cluttered with notifications.

But maybe you’re like me. You actually communicate with your friends and talk to them in person, or on the electric telephone, or at least on instant messenger. I’ve found that Facebook suddenly wants me to start “liking” everything. Well, guess what, I don’t like everything. I also don’t like everyone.

So, I’ve developed this picture. Feel free to save it, post it, tag it and insult people passive-aggressively.

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My last installment of “What Not To Listen To: Static X” was featured on the old site and was one of the few things that didn’t make it over to the new one when we switched last August. So, I’ll be posting that as soon as I find the original document.

What Not To Listen To is my opportunity to pick a horrible, obviously hated band and just tear them to shreds for both musical and non-musical reasons. Wayne Static and Static X had it coming from day one and so has Papa Roach. I understand the easiness of tearing down each of these bands, but I’m gonna do it anyway.

This is not photoshopped.

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Dear Universal Studios,

Hello. First of all, I’m a huge fan. I just had a quick suggestion, concerning your Jurassic Park franchise. It seems like you guys were fine with just wrapping that up as a trilogy. I mean you could do that, but why not just pull a “Star Wars” and go for the saga? I know it’s hard to think of movie ideas. I know. But, TA-DA, I solved that problem for you! Here are three guaranteed oscar-worthy Jurassic Park ideas. Feel free to use them, no charge. Seeing these cinematic masterpieces come to fruition would be enough of a reward.

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Roy and I moved into a new apartment on New Year’s Eve and the previous tenants left an entire month’s worth of coupons, bills and magazines in our mailbox. Among the magazines were two copies of Vibe, two copies of Entrepreneur and four copies OK! Weekly, the lesser and perhaps even more obnoxious version of Us Weekly. As I made my way through these three magazines, I caught myself thoroughly enjoying Entrepreneur, feigning interest in Vibe, and throwing a bigger and bigger fit with each new page of OK! So, I decided to write a letter to the editor pointing out just a few of the most glaring flaws in the publication they so brazenly put their name on. What follows is actually what I emailed susan@okmagazine.com (the editor in chief).

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No one has mastered the art of partying like Andrew W.K. For those who are unaware, he’s just released a compilation of his monthly advice column in Japan, has been featured in the January ’09 Esquire and is basically my new messiah. For those who haven’t had the pleasure, an Andrew W.K. party is truly a religious experience. Click here for tour dates.

What follows is our chat before the show, a photo gallery of winnebago/live shots and a full transcription of the interview (yeah, we’re starting to actually do some work around here). Enjoy!

Click here for .mp3

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The transcription is after the jump!

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