Most readers are probably expecting me to bash Perez Hilton over the upsetting video he posted in regard to the savage beating he apparently suffered the other night. Well, expect no more! Here it is.

For those who aren’t aware of what happened, here’s the brave little man explaining the situation in his own words. For those who rightfully don’t give a rat’s ass about what this pansy does or says, please bear with me on this one. I guess at some point over the weekend some music thing happened and at an after-party, poorly named rapper Will.I.Am of the Black Eye Peas approached Mz. Hilton and politely requested “in the future, can you please be a pal and not post anything at all about my band?” to which Mario Armando Lavandeira replied (and this is somewhat accurate): “Not if my life depended on it. Fuck you in your gay ass, you faggot scum.” Shortly thereafter an event occured that was a surprise to no one except Mr. Lavandeira – he got repeatedly punched in the face by someone associated with Will.I.Am.

I have no problem with Perez Hilton – if you can make a living off adding poorly drawn dicks to pictures, I’m all for it. In fact, I used to read his blod fairly often, when I was a younger, dumber asshole than I am today. But for him to be shocked that someone finally decided to take a swing at him is absolutely fucking insane. And to twitter people to call the police for him is more outrageous than him parading around like some sort of gay activist. This jackass could very well be the poster boy for why gay marriage is not legal throughout the United States.

So anyway, in tribute to the site that will one day be featured on “I Love June through October 2007″ on VH1, I decided to make some pictures myself, and instead of just attaching some lame attempt at sounding in-the-know like Perez so often does, I’ll elaborate on my art for my faithful readers. Here goes nothing…

When did looking like the Dutch Boy Paint mascot become fashionable?

A nice easy one down the middle for ya. It’s simple and very direct. In my opinion (and the opinion of roughly 100% of the rest of the American population), anyone who wears a shower cap and a faux-fur coat anywhere outside of his own panic room should have the word “ASS” tattooed on their awful forehead. An earlier draft of this picture has the showercap providing him shelter from a cum-storm. Ultimately, I felt that if I wanted the word “ASS” to have the biggest possible impact I should just give it the spotlight.

I know he’s under the impression that he’s a skinny gay guy now, but Mario, or Mary as I like to call him around the pool house, used to be a big fat bitch. My girlfriend and I recently took a trip to the desolate wasteland of the American Mid-West and made a stop at the Columbus Zoo, which was actually pretty cool. The best part? The freakishly giant nipples on the nursing gorillas. The worst part? Waking up from our mescaline-induced coma to realize we weren’t anywhere near Columbus and in reality we had been ogling Perez Hilton shirtless on Fire Island.

I made this one in case you couldn’t put together the last joke on your own.

Both taken at Wal-Mart while the creepy photographer pulled a wrinkled coin purse out of the secret pocket in the front of his trousers and offered Perez a giant sucker if he would take pictures like a nice boy.

One of my favorite things to do in my own posts is to take pictures of things that are similiar and just mush ‘em together. I think it’s a more effective way of getting my point across than trying to actually explain it to the jobless retards intelligent, contributing-to-society socialites who read this blog. This one may be a first though. I’ve compared Barack Obama to Andy Dufresne, a shitbag D.A. to Louie Anderson, etc., but I’ve never encountered a douche so awful it would be an insult to compare him to himself.

This really needed to happen though. I have a friend who always flashes the same half-hearted smile when someone takes a picture of her and I give her endless amounts of shit for it. Luck for Perez, I’m feeling a bit under the weather today (homophobia::SNIFF:: ) and I’m afraid if I give him any sort of access to my asshole, I won’t be able to sit for a week or so…

Also, I think the “(ANALLY)” added to “Tame Me” is fucking hysterical. If you don’t agree, close your browser and remove your sex organs with a bicycle chain.

This one’s a bit more on track. After I showed mind boggling amount of restraint I displayed in the “ASS” photo, I decided to let it all hang out on this one. And by “all” I mean a half a dozen dicks either entering or sprouting from a particularly close-up bust of Lavandeira. For some reason, this picture reminds me of the only time my mother caught me masturbating. Weird.

One thing I have a huge problem with in Perez Hilton’s pictures is his lack of wit when it comes to the text. “EW” “ACK” and “YUMMY” are not good enough indicator of how he feels about a particular celebrity or how other people might imagine that celebrity views him or herself. I took the opportunity to spell out to Perez what his (hopefully dead and therefore no longer able to reproduce) parents probably think of him. Nothing.

Finally, I think this is truly my pinnacle as a fuckstick celebrity blogger. I mean, comparing Perez Hilton in the previous pictures to the Dutch Boy Paint mascot, a gorilla, and himself were all pretty genius, but to come up with John “who?” Daly was a stroke of genius. Then, to take those two similar pictures and pit them against one another just took everything to the next level.

For those of you who don’t know, John Daly is a pathetic shell of a professional golfer who actually has an alcoholic drink named after him (it’s also known as a Dirty Arnold Palmer, but that’s for another obviously hilarious post). In my opinion, in his never ending quest to get fucked up, John Daly has displayed more backbone and a more winning attitude than Mario Armando Lavandeira ever has or ever will.

Perez Hilton, I sincerely hope you die. Soon.

Here’s a gallery of all the previous pictures plus 13 that Roy added:

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Welcome home,

Hey you! Glad to see you made it back. Crazy weekend right? Ha, yeah, good one. Me? I actually went up to New Paltz. Yeah. Pretty cool. Well I took the bus, then DJ came up too and we drove back yesterday. Good times. How about you? Really? This entire time you’ve been waiting for my next blog post? Oh shit, I’m sorry about that, I had no idea. The banner? Well, yeah, of course, I realize. I know. Yes, I know what it means. Well, we have a different definition of “daily” here, so why don’t you chill out. Listen I’m giving you the blog right now, shut up:

As many of you know I am an excellent writer and a really terrific literary analyst. Exhibit A: this blog. What some people are failing to realize, however,  is (unlike most worker-bee drones) I know how to separate work and play. Just because I am a truly extrodinary master of letters does not mean I have imbued my daily life with literary jibber-jab.  The reason I bring this up is because many people (fans) have been complimenting me on the brilliant literary devices I have been adding to my Facebook pictures.

Let me make myself clear: I am NOT purposefully posting photographs with figurative meanings, symbolic readings or any sort of metaphoric level.

Again:  Any pictures of me that are floating around the web are just that, floating pictures. Please stop reading into these pictures and coming up with absurd conclusions about my personal life.

I understand that some of you A) have not been assuming all pictures of me have metaphoric meanings, B) are not even friends with me on Facebook, or C) are not even 100% sure who I am, but I still want to make things crystal clear for those of you who have been berating me with these slanderous e-mails.

Here are some of the pictures that have been garnering the most poppycock:

The Precipice

People see this picture and seem to think I am trying to represent some type of interior conflict. My figure stands looking off into the distance longingly, balanced precariously between a higher and lower body of water.  Yes, I understand this picture was taken in the Spring (a time of rebirth) and that there were many new changes on my horizon. Just for example, DJ would be moving out of New Paltz and we would no longer be living together. Sure, that was a big change, but was it something I was mulling over at this point? No, it wasn’t. I was just enjoying a hike in the woods.

The Sojourn

Here’s another picture that has gotten too much uncalled-for interpretation. It’s a picture of DJ and I walking down a path into a distant, dark brush. Now some people have been hassling me; they seem to think this picture is some metaphor for DJ and I traveling down the road of life: spending time together as two good friends, striding side-by-side with feelings of glee and jollity. These same critics will then make some kind of argument like, “the dark woods you’re approaching represent your encroaching separation and the unknown future that you must both now confront.” That is, of course, completely off base. Again, we are just going on a hike here. I think we were talking about cool it would be to stage a sword-fight battle on that open terrain. We were not meditating on what the future held.

The Hermit

People look at this picture and then immediately turn to me and say, “Roy, why are you trying to shield yourself from the truth?” I then turn to these people, wide-eyed, and say, “What in the Lord’s name are you talking about?” To which these people reply, “Roy, the metaphors couldn’t be more easily presented. You have constructed a fairly exact model of DJ’s skull and wore it over your head. The fear of losing DJ has blinded you to the future and you are now stuck in a stagnant pool of indecision. Your life feels void and you don’t know which direction to turn.” I’m usually stunned at this point and can only insist, “No, that’s not it at all…this was just me walking around campus… I found that on top of pile of trash…”

But no one ever wants to here my logical explanations, they just like the flash and glam of their meandering hypotheses.

The Trials

Finally, people have found this picture of me in my new apartment to be quite symbolic. Why do people seem to think that my half-grown moustache, half-lit room and half-drank cream ale are depressing images? Again the metaphoric interpretations abound when people see this picture. The new apartment symbolizes my new life; I feebely attempt to find a comfort as I reassemble the “puzzle” of my exsistence. The loneliness of not living with DJ is slowing eating me alive from the inside out. That’s not it at all!! I’m having tons of fun in this picture, can’t you see that?! I don’t even mind that I won’t be living with DJ this fall!! Knock it off!! Yes, I’m listening to Mastodon right now, but not just because it reminds me of DJ!!

I’m not crying!! Close the door!! Let me work on my puzzle!! I’m not crying!!!

After what felt like three months without a post we’re back with a killer interview. To celebrate completing school my girl and I went on one of the most metal tears ever. My last day of class was 5/6/09 and I capped it with an extreme performance by GWAR at the Chance in Poughkeepsie then after a night of debauchery with Frank we were off to NYC. On Friday, we caugh the No Fear Energy Music Tour with Lamb of God, As I Lay Dying (who definitely deserve a new found respect from me), Children of Bodom (who only played three songs – Alexi “Avian Bone Syndrome” Laiho destroyed his shoulder and couldn’t perform) and God Forbid. On Sunday we were able to see Mastodon perform Crack the Skye at the Williamsburgh Theater in Brooklyn – if you have the opportunity, you have to go.

But Saturday is truly the important night right now. I had the opportunity to sit down with Protest the Hero guitarist Tim Millar and got a great interview. Tim was a great guy and the staff at the Blender Theater was one of the best I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. Being in the midst of the most metal weekend I’ve ever had, I didn’t have too much time to prepare so please bear with the interview as I stumble through the first few questions. Also worth noting is the fact that Roy coming to the interview wasn’t ever even an option, so I don’t know why I felt it necessary to say he “pussed out.” I’m a horrible friend. Below is the interview and a flash gallery. After the jump is another gallery if you have trouble with this one and a transcription of some of the highlights.

Click here for .mp3

Lorraine took all the pictures, which you can see kick an insane amount of ass.

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If you aren’t an alarmist FoxNews viewer, you’re probably not familiar with the term “sexting.” Clearly, I am. Sexting is the awful play on words that describes when one individual, by their own choosing, takes a naked picture of themself and sends it to someone else via SMS (Short Message Service). The solution to this scourge? Giving the sweet naked pics to this guy. What kills me about the following quote is the use of the sentence structure to create a scene which resembles that of a real job and attorney should be doing, like reviewing photos of the scene of a murder, rape, minor traffic violation, etc.:

Photos of their semi-nude or scantily clad teenage daughters were stacked before him. Mr. Skumanick said the images had been discovered on cellphones confiscated at the local high school.

I can’t believe this is really an issue parents (or anyone) is shocked by. It’s 2009 – could you dolts really be so naive to think your kids aren’t using every piece of technology almost exclusively for personal sexual gratification?

The first text ever.

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Our friends across the pond, Mother England, have recently sunk into national tormoil after one of Britain’s top intelligence secret agents, James Bond, registered for an account on the popular web page Twitter. Bond, who is also known as Agent 007, claims he joined the site just to, “network and stay up to date on what Ryan Seacrest was doing.” However, Bond’s own updates have begun to undercut the secrecy of some highly classified British operations around the globe and Parliament is not happy.

One of Bond’s several compromising “tweets.”

Story continues after the jump…

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Hello everyone. Many people, particularly those who live nearby water, have heard of an animal called the osprey. You may have even been lucky enough to have seen one of these birds of prey in action. Osprey’s are very cool and they are certainly a species that everyone could use more information on. To help inform the masses on these exciting animals I’ve decided to write this post. This is “In The Know” with Roy and this week’s topic is ospreys.

An osprey in a diving position.

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There is a ton of evidence stacking up against me and it’s high time I acknowledge it. I’m becoming a piece of white trash human garbage. In the four years since I’ve left High School, I have absolutely let the semi-freedom of college destroy me as a person. While, I’m very comfortable with the latest incarnation of me, I think it’s important to look back at where I came from.

Here’s the earliest picture of me on Facebook:

Look at this sweet boy with his girlfriend enjoying a delicious lollipop after a day at the mall. Oh, look he has a Metallica cap on. You bought it where? Hot Topic? Precious.

I dare you to follow the jump and keep reading.

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