How could I possibly follow up a title like that?

I can’t.

5 out of 5 randomly chosen symbols to denote excellence.

So Madonna is planning to adopt another kid from Malawi. Unbelievable! If anyone needs a little TLC it’s Uncle Chachi. I mean Christ, it’s not like these kids are dodging bullets or eating out of dumpsters on a daily basis. If I have my facts straight, their whole life is one huge game of intramural soccer. Anyway, if you’re reading this Madonna, here are the top ten reasons you should select to adopt me, the Baron Von Chachska, instead of another boring Malawi snoozefest:

1. The water in Africa is cleaner than the water in Philadelphia. While Simba erotically washes Nala in majestic jungle streams, I am forced shower in my neighbor’s fecal matter on a daily basis.
2. I’m a way bigger fan of yours than any Malawian child. I rocked “Dress You Up In My Love” so hard that I was voted junior prom queen in the seventh grade.
3. I smell worse than the entire nation of Malawi. I’m sure the African child of your choice doesn’t exactly carry the scent of freshly picked petunias, but I make the homeless smell like freshly squeezed lemon.
4. I only pick my nose sometimes.
5. I appreciate the “Ray of Light” music video in ways they will never understand.
6. My breakfast talents cannot be matched. Go ahead and choose another African kid. Hope you fancy burnt eggs with a side steel toast. Bon Appetite!
7. I don’t eat bugs
8. I’m vaccinated. Wouldn’t want the princess of pop catching polio would we?
9. I hear there’s a promo poster for Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels hanging in the Malawi embassy. Fuck Guy Ritchie!
10. I do a great Jack Nicholson impersonation. Oh and I’m sure your Malawi wonder boy does a kiler Brando…

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Researchers have somehow proven that women who drink, even moderately, have a reduced ability to recognize attractiveness in males. Specifically, it affects their ability to recognize facial symmetry, which supposedly has something to do with attractiveness. To this I politely say, “ohhhh fooey.” It is my experience that women are completely and utterly batshit insane, and there is absolutely no accounting for their taste. So, as a learn-ed man of science and reason, I decided to conduct my own research. I would ask all the girls who wanted to participate to rank five men and give me a quick reason why each is where he is on their list.

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