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Hey guys! Last time we busted out a “Dear SmartassRadio” we explained how to stay fit and healthy. It was a huge success and the letters have been pouring in ever since. This time we decided it would be more fun to answer some of the sexier letters we’ve gotten in recent months. Check ‘em out after the jump.
It’s my understanding that we have a lot of international readers. So for their benefit, I’ll briefly describe what we in American call an “election.” You see, once every few years, when hack comedians run out of bad jokes about our beloved president, another man challenges his throne. Then we watch “pundits” bicker about the merits of these two men on TV for about three years. When the American people decide they can’t take it anymore, the men choose other men as their partners through civil union and the pundits argue about the partners’ merits for another six months or so. Finally, if the groundhog doesn’t see its shadow, three states get to choose who our next president will be. This year, the man who won wore black face in tribute to the great minstrels of our country’s glorious past. Of course, he’s not any different than you or me or the last president, for that matter.
Apparently they’re holding erections in Iran now- Did I jus- HAHAHAHAHAHA. OHHHHH WHEW! Wow… that was crazy. Iran is holding elections over there now. As with any election, this one has had its fair share of problems. Held on Friday(?), the elections were really important, I guess. According to some reliable sources, Iran has been fucking around with nuclear weapons, or something. Unlike in the good old US of A, the Iranians couldn’t choke down the cold hard facts. Instead of realizing that they are a silly display not unlike the WWE, Iranians expected the words “change” and “hope” to actually mean something. It’s like they believe every movie they see over there. In their defense, there are only three movies available in Iran and they’re all documentaries.
You really want the Iranian Steven Spielberg running your country? Didn’t you see the last Indiana Jones?
So, in an unprecedented display of machismo and huge fucking nuts (being the opposite of giant, crying, pussy), Presidential Candidate Mir Hossein Moussavi claimed the elections were rigged in favor of current President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. To be honest, I don’t see it. I mean President Ahmadinejad did get 62% of the vote (a total of 13 voters made up mostly of his own staff) versus 33% for Moussavi and the obligatory 5% of crazies split between Ron Paul and Ralph Nader. Mr. Moussavi, you should be ashamed of yourself. Seriously, your country is suffering from riots, its citizens are having their rights taken away and war with a super power is imminent and all you can think about is how you didn’t win an election? What are you going to tell me next, that this Pall Mall 100 isn’t going to soothe my sore throat? Puh-lease!
You see, here in America, we accept the harsh truth that a puppet government forces us to – we have no control over what happens ever. So what? You want to be burdened with making decisions which might affect someone other than yourself? Say Moussavi got elected and turned out to be a total nutjob and didn’t wear pants to work every day. You want to be responsible for that? Didn’t think so. A wise ex-English teacher once taught me a valuable lesson: the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. Which generally holds true, unless that devil has demonstrated his inability to lead or string together coherent thoughts time and time again, James.
This guy gets shit done.
The point is this – it doesn’t matter and it never will. In fact, I’m fairly certain that every event I just mentioned was entirely fabricated by the media for their own amusement. No shit. For instance, I caught Anderson Cooper saying the following at dinner the other night:
We make everything up. There are more factual events taking place on Spike’s Deadliest Warrior.
I may or may not have actually heard that at dinner the other night. Come to think of it, I’ve never even met Anderson Cooper, but I did once hear his voice set to ominous music in a documentary on Google Video, so he might as well have been sitting in my living room revealing all his dirty, silver haired secrets, of which I’m sure there are many. According to some of his peers, that old queen hides a secret about as well as an elephant hides its trunk.
In the end, what will probably happen is the American people will once again be forced to watch the same view of the Missile Command championships in night-vision on CNN, ABC, NBC, Fox, CBS (yeah, assholes, you got listed after Fox), and a plethora of other shit-stain networks as our country bombs the fuck out of Iran for one reason or another. After two weeks of that, it’ll probably be football season and, frankly, most of us can’t be bothered – with the way the league is shaping up this year (what drama!), who could even blame us? Football rules and Iran drools.
Hello everyone.
Here’s a video I made about the Stegosaurus. The Stegosaurus is one of my favorite animals. I hold it very close to my heart and know lots and lots of information about it. Some of this information I would like to pass on to you in this short video:
I thought Kim Kardashian was just a gorgeous, mindless, single slut- but I was totally wrong: she is not single. Apparently, she has been dating Reggie Bush, who was also, apparently, carved from ivory ebony. For the past few years I thought Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were the best looking couple possible. WRONG. Take a look at these two people who are of solely physical worth:
Beyond basic knowledge about your operating system, web browser and location (yea… where you live within a pretty reasonable distance), I don’t know too much about you guys – our readers. What I can surmise though, is there are about 100 people reading every day. I think it’s safe to assume some of you are the same people, which means posts like this, this and this really don’t bother you. If you do take offense to posts like that, read no further. – DJ
So, yesterday I slammed the Wall Street Journal’s dumb website for not poviding me with any good news. Then I actually went there. This is what I got. Now, I’ve made my views on organized religion pretty public – really I hate all religion, but those which are “organized” give me a very big, fat, bloated target to take aim at. Now, Pope Benedict has put his foot so far into his Nazi mouth, he’s likely to shit shoe leather later today.
Good golly, I sure wish I could take credit for this one.
Researchers have somehow proven that women who drink, even moderately, have a reduced ability to recognize attractiveness in males. Specifically, it affects their ability to recognize facial symmetry, which supposedly has something to do with attractiveness. To this I politely say, “ohhhh fooey.” It is my experience that women are completely and utterly batshit insane, and there is absolutely no accounting for their taste. So, as a learn-ed man of science and reason, I decided to conduct my own research. I would ask all the girls who wanted to participate to rank five men and give me a quick reason why each is where he is on their list.
Why do I kiss the ground that Axl Rose walks on? Because he sings like he means it – right down to the “YOWZA!” at the end of “Mr. Brownstone”. I guess there’s something to be said for what everyone’s musician father tells them when their guitar is too loud: “You can’t have loud without quiet.” But fuck that, if you’re making music that you’re passionate about, why don’t you show it? I’m sick of pussy bands and everyone else should be too.
Without further ado, I present my 5 Least Enthusiastic Singers of All Time. See if you can guess which of the following snore-inducing crooners inspired this list.
