It’s summer, the good broadcast shows are off for a few months and unless you truly get enjoyment out of re-runs of the Simpsons, you’re probably watching cable. Well, lucky for us Spike, the network for men’s men, has lasted as long as it has as a channel. The geniuses who brought you Motor Madness and Striperella have finally come up with a show that doesn’t make you want to gauge out your eyes with that appendage which makes us men (thumbs… I’m using the term “man” classically – apparently 45% of Spike’s viewers are female.)

Deadliest Warrior is a great premise completed with OK production. If you haven’t seen it before, they basically take two historical badasses, test their weapons for effectiveness and simulate a highly improbable fight between them. For instance, during a marathon of carnage last week, I saw a knight fall at the hands of a pirate, a Spartan bend over and rape a ninja and the IRA totally outdrink the Taliban. Obviously, the forum for who can fight who is wide open (William Wallace vs. Shaka Zulu? Gimme a break.) So, we here at Smartass Labs have decided to run a few of our own Deadliest Warrior tests based mostly on fictional hardasses. Here are the three worth recounting:

John McClain vs. John Rambo

This one’s going to be a doozy (fuck me). John Rambo is my all-time favorite movie character ever and I still watch First Blood, First Blood Part 2: The Oxymoron and Rambo. III really doesn’t do it for me and I think most fans can agree. However, shortly after my introduction to Sly’s best character – eat my ass Balboa – I was introduced, by way of Frank, to John McClain and his barefoot terrorist bashing. So, let’s take a look at each man’s weapons:

For close combat Rambo’s bringing his signature bowie knife/machete and McClain will be wielding his police-issued Beretta. Right off the bat, I’m gonna give this one to Rambo. A handgun’s nice, but we’ve all seen Rambo and we all know a 9 mm gun cannot chop someone’s fucking head off. Plus, the gun has one use – the knife can be used in a hundred different ways. It is to Rambo what the whip is to Indiana Jones (who might be fighting Han Solo later on…).

For long range, McClain will be dishing out some punishment with any number of automatic weapons stolen from terrorists nearby. Rambo will be packing the exploding bow and arrow which he used in the second movie to avenge the death of his Asian call-girl. That guy blew up. However, McClain actually cut off a motherfucker at the knees with that machine gun in the first movie and he managed to kill the bad guys before they offed his bitch. Point: McClain.

Now, what they never show you in Deadliest Warrior is how they pick the fight scene. John McClain shows his ability to adapt to his environment in every movie. He really does kick ass anywhere he needs to, but they all tend to be in cities. Therefore, I again give the edge to Rambo. He proved in a single movie that he can fight hundreds of police (not unlike McClain) in the woods of Oregon (or Aragon as us LoTR fans like to say) and still go back into town and just blow everything the fuck up.

Our computer tried to run 1,000 simulations of the test, but my copy of Rambo III got angry that I slighted it earlier in the post and my hard-drive exploded. Win: Rambo, John J. Also, I like posting this clip.

Death Row vs. Bad Boy (West Coast, East Coast)

Now that the computers are back up and running (I have a backup this time). Let’s take a look at one of pop culture’s longest non-battles. Sure Tupac and Biggie exchanged words in a couple of songs. And, yeah, maybe both are now dead because of it, but what Deadliest Warrior is about is getting them down on the street slugging it out. I’m going to approach this one in a slightly different way than Rambo v. McClain. Instead of weapons, I want to analyze other factors: taunting ability, actual criminal records and post-1997 success. This is also our first time dealing with two groups instead of individuals. On the West Coast side: 2pac, Suge Knight, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and MC Hammer – the classic Death Row line-up. For the East Coast, we’re going Bad Boy, of course: Diddy, B.I.G., Mase, 112 and Faith Evans.

Taunting Ability:
Well, the East Coast started this whole mess when Tim Dog released “Fuck Compton,” but he’s not in on this fight because of his shitty name. The West Coast response? “Fuck Wit Dre Day” the first real track on Dre’s first real solo album, “The Chronic.” I think it’s safe to say that one of the best parts of this song is Snoop Dogg’s tirade at the end where he just lists people who “can suck a big fat dick.” Many of rap’s detractors cite their inability to understand the lyrics because they’re too fast (I’m looking at you, Alabama), but in his weird southern drawl, Snoop makes it perfectly clear who exactly he wants to suck a big fat dick.

Following that Tupac and Biggie exchanged the following lines:

Who shot me? But ya punks didn’t finish, Now ya ‘bout to feel the wrath of a menace… Nigga, I hit ‘em up. – 2pac

Who shot Ya? Separate the weak from the obsolete, hard to creep them Brooklyn streets. – Biggie

Both equally weak. However, Tupac is technically from NY, so fuck the East Coast – Death Row hands down.

Actual Criminal Record:
West Coast: Snoop was accused and acquitted of murder, 2pac did time for killing someone (right?), Suge Knight is probably in jail right now, and MC Hammer deserves to be.
East Coast: Was Diddy ever late on his taxes?
Winner: West Coast

1989 Steven Seagal vs. 2009 Steven Seagal

This match-up is something I’ve been waiting to see for a long time. Here I’m going to base my analysis purely on the pictures above. I really don’t know much about Mr. Seagal, except that in 1989 he loved kicking ass in horrible movies. It’s recently come to my attention that in 2009 he likes kicking ass by making horrible music.  Frankly, I think 1989 Seagal wouldn’t be able to handle the aural assault brought on by the thumb-strumming blues explosion Steven currently calls his live performances. I mean… look at that – it looks like he awkwardly wandered into a music store and picked up “one that looked like Jimi Hendrix’s” and did little more than fuck around with the open strings:

“Hey, Mike – check it out (Steven continues to play an out of tune, out of time version of “Smoke on the Water”). Fuckin’ Deep Purple! You think I should buy it?”
“No.”
“I think I’m gonna buy it.”

Winner: 2009 Steven Seagal.

12 ROUNDS starring the WWE superstar JOHN “ YOU CAN’t SEE ME!” Cena
By the American Hero, Peter P. Marsh dah third

Alrighty internet people I went to this movie absolutely wasted and I snuk booze into the threate and I am wasted while writing this, just for the record. Well anywho, not a well ur drink from,… a little word play I have noticed Roy likes to do…by the way love Roy’s entries….oh boy this is gonna be a long entry. OKAY people, I have to say 12 rounds was action packed, maybe too action packed!?! The entire film keeps you on the edge of ur seat but never gives you sense of, what’s the word, I’m getting a little writers block with a Mutombo wave of the finger, lets just say that the movie just all action and no understanding, if that makes any sense.

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Pete took about a month to write these and sent them to me with the following message attached:

Professor Smartass,
i know they are a little late but when i was writing
them they got totally deleted twice (do believe me, i would not lie to a professor) and im hoping you wont take any points off of them,
honestly,
Peter Marsh

Alright here you go…. another stellar review from Your American Hero – DJ

Written by Mister Marsh, the true M&M, and brought to you by smartassradio.com

I am going to attempt to do two movie reviews in this edition of Pete Marsh’s Metal Movie Reviews. Unheard of!!!! I know. The only problem I have with putting these two movies in the same review is the fact that The Wrestler does not come close in comparison with Slum Dog Millionaire. It is no secret that I am an avid wrestling fanatic and surely annoyed most of my housemates last year, for the exception of Jonah, every Monday night watching Raw. However, The Wrestler, a movie I believed to have endless potential, seemed to focus only on the negative aspects of professional wrestling. And it continued to get sadder and grimmer as it went on. But what can I say about SLUM DOG MILLIONAIRE! It had great music, hot girls, a poor dude getting a millionaire bucks, and an overall feel good movie, an instant top fiver on the prestigious Pete Marsh Movie List. This movie is in great company with such classics as Rocky, Iron Man (another instant top 5er), Rambo, and any movie with Kirsten Dunst who I desire with all my soul. So I’ll kick it off with The Wrestler. Enjoy!

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The Internet is a many splendored thing. If I were to try to hunt down a video of a woman doin’ it in an ET costume (link NSFW and probably not safe for 99% of the population – you’ve been warned), it would take literally hours in the real world. If I wanted to know the complete history of hampsterdance.com I would probably have to track down the original owners/operators of the site. If, say, I wanted to hear the ramblings of two boring, under-produced and over-hyped metal nerds, I would actually have to sit around at my nearest Gibson dealer – a fate worse than castration. And, of course if I wanted to see Val Kilmer in 2008, I would have had to actually find him way back then. Luckily for me, none of those scenarios ever has to happen thanks to the Internet.

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I’m very angry about the fact I have to pay to wash my clothes. It’s an expense I do NOT need and the laundromat is only three steps away from “in front of a gun operated by John Rambo” on my list of places I never want to be. So, I decided if I was going to be a miserable douche for an hour I would write while I did it. Capturing for the world and, more importantly, myself the thoughts of a self-important lunatic.

I fucking HATE the John Tesh radio show. I don’t know or care if this shitbag is in syndication because he blows so hard and I’ve had to endure his show so often that I think everyone should hear what I have to say, regardless of whether you can tune into him in your hometown. (I just did some quick research – according to Wikipedia, he’s on 360 stations AND 250 stations.) Also he looks like a pedophile Greg Hughes, the actor who plays Opie on the Opie and Anthony Show.

Guess which one is my hero.

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I just saw the movie “Death Race” the other night. Some of you may know the movie by other names that you coined after seeing the trailer back in July: “Prison Cars”, “Like Tokyo Drift, but Probably Better” or “The One That Played ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ and Shit Blew Up.” The intensity of the preview piqued my interest, so when I was bored during winter break I wasted no time hopping on my computer and illegally downloading the full movie. Needless to say, the plot could have been written by any 6th grade locker room bully. The first scene of the movie is a death car race and the audience only needs to wait roughly 14 minutes before more explosive race scenes are shown. The exposition of the movie is cut to the barest minimal, which is a good thing. This movie had some sweet moments (not nearly as many as the latest Rambo vehicle did, though), but I can’t help but feel the budget was wasted in places. If I was in charge of distributing the $45 million spent on this dud, Universal Studios would have released a cult-classic, not a forgettable remake with only a few “OoOoh” moments.

A screenshot from “Death Proof” which, like the new Rambo movie, is better than “Death Race”

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It seems the easiest to read, funniest posts on this shit stain of a website are lists. We really strive to be creative and interesting, but sometimes these things just fall flat on their faces. Take, for instance Things I Am Better at Than Roy Verspoor by Patty. Yikes. If we can, we like to avoid train wrecks like that. Sometimes, though, the concepts for lists are funnier than the list itself, and therefore worth presenting to everyone on planet earth with unrestricted Internet access (sorry, China). Here are nine that I personally thought would rule, but instead just drool.

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