Hello again, Smartass radio’s Michael Jackson correspondent Megan Riebesell here, just checking in to follow up on the status of our dearly beloved. As we all could have predicted, not even MJ’s passage into eternity could ease the controversy that besieged him all his life. Back here on earth, we are still picking away at every morsel of flesh that our ugly beaks can scrape off his bones. People are still making careers out of revealing any kind of sensitive information they can dig up in his wake, so-called “artists” are still depending on his legacy for their own shot at celebrity or capital, and the fat, greedy vultures of the world are still milking his hard-earned masterpieces for every pathetic cent they can steal. However, do not fret, I am here to remind everyone that Michael’s pure soul, which was always too powerful to be contained by a simple human body, has finally reached its proper ranking among the gods, as an immortal presence. Of course, Michael’s kingdom in the great beyond is immune to the commotion of silly, frantic scavengers still chirping his name down here. Rest in assurance, MJ smiles down on all of his children still, giggling at our antics.
That being said, skimming through Jacko’s most recent controversy was actually a pretty hilarious and of course bizarre venture. Where do I even begin?
Categories: Lists Posted on August 12, 2009 By: Roy
I recently received a letter from DJ that urged me to go check out the video “Remember The Time” by the late-great Michael Jackson. Back in 6th grade I was really into Egypt. I’m not sure why. I guess I just like middle-eastern countries and wonders of the world. So, anyway, as I’m sure you know, when you get interested in something in 6th grade you end up getting an encyclopedic knowledge of it. Kids are just much better at devouring trivia. That’s why we all still know all the words to Smash Mouth’s “All Star” and Sugar Ray’s “Every Morning” (we do all know those words, right?). Like I was saying, I know pretty much everything there is to know about Egyptian culture….or so I thought! Here are five things I learned about Egyptian history from the “Remember The Time” music video:
5- Michael Jackson Is A Scholar On The Subject
Yes, I knew that Jackson was a fairly decent dancer, a brilliant mathematician and a crack-shot rifleman, but I did not know he was an Egyptian scholar. After watching this 9 plus minute video, I am CONVINCED that Michael knew everything I know about Egypt and much, much more. The first thing you notice in the video is how accurate the architecture is; let’s do a compare/ contrast.
Here’s a screen-shot from Michael’s video:
And (since they didn’t have cameras back then) here’s a screen-shot from the movie “Ten Commandments” (which must be accurate because it’s religious):
Obviously both films are working from the same historically accurate information (or stereotypes).
Jackson didn’t just do his homework on the architecture of the room, he also must have done massive research on his casting. When casting Ramesses The Great, Michael went with funny man Eddie Murphy. Perfect!
4- Egyptians Have Developed Lighter Colored Skin Since
I didn’t release this, but if Michael Jackson did it, it must be true. The “Remember The Time” video is littered with African American superstars. Namely, Michael Jackson, but also Eddie Murphy. And then how about David Bowie’s wife, Iman. More like Ihottie! Am I right? How about someone for those guys who don’t like music, comedy and girls? Bam, we’ve got Magic Johnson!! Then two more famous blacks guys I’ve never heard of: The Pharcyde and Tom “Tiny” Lister, Jr.
Well anyway, like I said, Michael must know Egypt a lot better than me, because I didn’t realize Egyptians were really that black. As I mentioned in the introduction to this piece, Egypt is a middle eastern country, though it is positioned on the tip of the African continent. I wonder why people can never cast Egyptians correct. In the Rugrat’s Passover special the Egyptians are white and in this video they are all black. Why aren’t they ever Arabian like they really are?
Really the only person in the video who looks even remotely Egyptian is Michael (thanks to his skin ailment). Take a look at some real Egyptians. These are the two most famous, their President and their Miss:
3- Ancient Egypt Didn’t Have A Problem With Feminism
Have you noticed how much control the queen in the video has? Now my knowledge of Egyptian culture tells me that Ramesses’s wife is named Nefertari. Or at least that was his principle wife…in other words his favorite out of the other seven wives he had. But man, Iman is empowered in this video! While being fanned by slaves she says, “Oh Eddie Murphy, entertain me!” The pharaoh immediately works to satisfied 1/8th of his wives.
Devils sticks dancer? Not entertained. Fire breather? Not entertained. Michael Jackson…
2- Brendan Fraser Had Nothing To Do With Ancient Egypt
I could have swore he did.
I’m not even going to elaborate. I think Brendan Fraser is just laughable on his own.
1- Michael Jackson Was There
Here’s the real kicker. Michael Jackson doesn’t just know a ton of shit about Egypt through years of research. He knows it from first hand experience! Believe it. Meg just wrote a post about how apparently god-like Michael is, well it looks like she was right. Michael Jackson is the reincarnate form of some Egyptian king. Take a look at this statue and tell me you don’t see the resemblance:
My only conclusion: Once Michael gets done with the complicated process of getting to the Egyptian underworld he will unleash a swarm of pestilence across the globe, eradicating anyone who does not own the “Dangerous” album.
Everyone has heard the sad news about Michael Jackson and I like to think that everyone was at least somewhat saddened. I mean if you don’t like Michael Jackson songs, then what’s the point? While everyone was upset, some people, some very deeply devoted fans, were nothing short of devastated…physically , emotionally, spiritually. One of these people was our good friend Megan Riebesell. She won’t be able to see Michael in London this summer, but the least we could do was let her share some words with you. – Roy
Hello. My name is Megan Riebesell and I am here to talk to you about the biggest tragedy this planet has ever seen. As you must have figured out by now, I’m referring to the death of Michael Joseph Jackson. During this period of confusion, referred to by psychologists as “Stage 1: Denial” in the model for the five stages of grief, it is hard for people to see clearly to the issue at hand. In hopes that this article will make it easier to cope, at least for the mere few it may reach, I am going to use this forum to share some of my experiences with Michael, and discuss how his passing has affected me, Megan Riebesell.
It was obvious from a young age that Michael was probably not supposed to have ended up on earth. Something went wrong, somebody messed something up. Whoopsies! Typo, wrong planet, something like that. People kind of started to realize this when the J5 made their first appearance on Ed Sullivan in 69. If you saw this you’d probably notice what could develop into a debilitating overload of soul and groove. Certainly too much to be contained by the small, frail body of an11 year old. If you went even further and watched this one you’d additionally notice that he’s not moving the way that a child who probably just advanced to having legible handwriting should move.
So lots of people were sort of catching on, J5 ruled with 4 consecutive number one hits on the billboard chart, which was the first time this had ever happened. I have to assume that people who actually lived through his emergence were desperately rationalizing: “Okay this kid will probably grow out of it in like 4 years when he’s a fucked up teenage mess.” I think a lot of people would have been more comfortable with that scenario.
Instead, Michael decided to fucking unleash his maniac talent on everyone full throttle. By the time when most kid stars would start to totally burn themselves out, realizing they completely missed out on childhood and collapsing beneath the pressure of the limelight and everything, Michael invented a new way of dealing with all of it. He figured since he was irreversibly damaged and would probably never fully work through it, he might as well use the one thing he did get out of it, which was being raised as a fucking psychotic perfectionist. So he decided to just like create everything. He focused all of his dysfunctional shit as well as his superhuman talent-energy, and took music and entertainment to a level that didn’t even exist yet. Flawlessly. Pretty much: wake up, think of the bass line to Billie Jean, brush your teeth, oh start doing THE MOONWALK, um go downstairs, grab a banana, redefine music videos , and then finally head off to work at the studio inventing pop music, etc. Day in the life of MJ. No biggy.
By 1994, Michael has already released Thriller, which is still the top selling record of all time, and is onto his 4th best selling album already (and has done all that other shit that you’ll wikipedia later.) People as a whole are immersed in the new world of entertainment he has created. I’m starting to feel a little weird about how many consecutive times I can jump all over my couches screaming to the Free Willy theme and still get emotional at the end. Ironically enough, this is around the point when everyone starts to turn on him. He’s just doing his thing, inventing everything that people ever like ever so that everyone can copy him forever. Yea, he’s fucking crazy as fuck considering everything, but he’s still just pumping all of that into amazing visual and auditory masterpieces for the whole world to enjoy. He’s touring selling out shows on every continent by now and it’s a little bit daunting for humans to discover that one being can pretty much hypnotize a good amount of their entire species at one time. It’s to the extent where an alarming amount of people literally become incapacitated or unconscious, sometimes needing medical attention, when in his presence. I mean yea, I know, Beatlemania and everything, but seriously this is different. Full grown men had to be lifted out of the crowd, sobbing and hysterical. The physical reactions people had just to seeing him on stage was unsettling. Humans detected an unmistakable cause for concern.
If you’re going to watch one video in this post, watch this one. With the lights off.
Everyone flipped out when they realized Michael Jackson had too much power over the human race. So we just did the thing where we criticize someone until we bring them down to our level. We thought it was weird that he was had a chimp named Bubbles, wanted to buy the elephant man bones, made his house into a peter pan amusement park, cried at the end of Men in Black, etc. Personally, I don’t see what’s so weird about being a fucking CRAZY person after having a dramatically shitty life, and having to be a vessel for all of those insane songs and dance moves that needed to reach earth somehow. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty confident that a normal, psychologically sound person would not be capable of even one of his countless feats. Still, most people were feeling uneasy about the whole situation. We felt compelled to exploit all of his quirks until we had completely forgotten about all of his contributions. On top of being the victim of a really unfortunate skin disease analysts agreed that MJ suffered from another shitty condition, body dimorphic disorder. Jeez, what a weirdo, feeling like he needs to change his physical appearance. Anyway, as it turned out, no one could see past his physical appearance, so his music became secondary to gossip about his strange lifestyle, and he was slandered for the rest of his life. After this, Michael decided that he would rather hang around chimps and little kids only. Again, to me this seems like a pretty basic cause-and-effect type situation we have here. However, the masterminds of mankind determined that he must have been molesting kids. Not the monkey though, oddly enough.
So somehow by the time his last album hit, which was of course no Thriller, but still better than most things, lots of people were too embarrassed to go into a record store (remember those?) and ring up the latest from the world’s most renowned child-molester at the time. And who could blame us? The trials got way more publicity than, lets say, when he founded the Heal the World foundation, whose mission was to provide medicine to children and fight world hunger, homelessness, child exploitation and abuse. Or his being a major contributor to 39 additional charities in his career. They got even more coverage than when all of the profits from smash hits “Man in the Mirror” and “Heal the World” went to charity. Probably even more well known than the “We are the World” video, which he coordinated, gathering the biggest musicians at the time to record a song that raised millions of dollars for famine relief. Or how on the 123-show world tour for “Bad” he invited underprivileged children to watch for free and sing with him on stage, and then gave donations to local hospitals, orphanages and other charities in every place he visited. The trials, which were unsuccessful in providing any actual evidence of molestation, are still more widely acknowledged than how the “Dangerous” world tour, where he danced like a fucking maniac for 65 shows and then gave all of the proceeds, I repeat, all, ALL of them to Heal the World. After that he sold the broadcast rights for the show to HBO, took that money and put it towards HIV/AIDS research. And remember when his afro caught on fire during the filming for that Pepsi commercial? Haha ha ha!! Guess what? He took the money from that lawsuit and gave it to the hospital where he was treated and started a burn ward for research and technology in severe burn treatment. Then he got plastic surgery because he was self-conscious about his scalp and we made fun of him for the rest of his life. And said that he touches babies.
So after trying to withdraw from the public eye, (unsuccessfully, as tons of brilliant journalists and psychoanalysts made whole careers out of obsessing over his weirdness) Michael comes back at the world and announces “THIS IS IT.” A 50- show tour taking place at the 02 stadium in London, possibly his last performance ever. In tradition of MJ, he had invented some kind of crazy 3-D background scheme that would transform the experience of seeing a live concert. He committed to giving the world one last show, granting everyone the chance to forget all about the baby-dangling and plastic surgeries and just enjoy the fucking immaculate presentation of all of the songs that make everyone dance no matter where they are. He agreed to subject his 50 year old body to putting on 50 more seizure-inducing performances which would have allowed millions of people to enjoy the same magic that had possessed them for decades. It would have given millions the opportunity to experience the intense, uplifting energy that looks more powerful and mind-altering than any drug trip. An experience that is unexplainable, but proven by concert footage of full grown adults losing the ability to hold themselves up. I was going to be one of these people.
Michael Jackson has left behind a whole world of humans who were touched by his timeless legacy. I’m sure that even those of you who didn’t spend $750 on airfare to London have the same feeling of emptiness in your lives as I do right now. But remember, we are all in this together. Take advantage of your neighbors and comrades who have probably all have attempted the moonwalk at one time or another, and might need someone to commiserate. Talking it out feels good. Even if it leads to both parties drunkenly agreeing that Michael Jackson was more important than Jesus, or the holocaust, and then the conversation becomes a little uncomfortable. Just get it all out. Letting yourself come to terms with how you feel will help you to reach the final step in the grieving process: Acceptance. Make this tragedy easier for yourself and those around you. Heal the world. It’s what Michael would have wanted us to do. We’re all going to get through this.
Hello internet world, its me, your American Hero with another movie review. This time I’m soder and ready to rip the shizzle out of one of the worst movies of all-time. So hold onto your keyboards as I go off on this terrible movie.
So I get to the theatre a little outside San Jose to see The Knowing. I knew very little about the movie except that it was about the end of the world and one of my favorite actors, Nicolas Cage, was in it. So I was pretty amped up for this movie and ready for Nicky boi to put an end to the end of the world. So after buying my ticket at the great price of 4.50!…unheard of in San Jose…I got some popcorn and a little so-derrr pop and headed into the theatre.
If you’re my age or a little older you know that Snood is a knockoff of the classic Bubble Bobble derivative, Bust-a-Move. However, when the great Snood boom of 1996 hit the Internet a with a viral force researchers compare to that of Elf Bowling and Hampster Dance combined. (While I’m on the subject, why would HampsterDance.com have any other content but the original? Talk about not knowing your audience…) So, back to the matter at hand. It is absolutely mind boggling that people are still playing Snood. You can play thousands of shitty games online for free and yet it seems people (in my analysis it’s always girls) are still playing Snood.
It has come to my attention that some fortunate people out there may be completely in the dark about Snood. Such as @Mahaviraband who asked “what is ‘snood’???”. My dear friend this is Snood:
The basic idea is that you have to get 3 of the same faces to touch and then it knocks them and anything below them off. You have to clear the board in a certain number of moves as the brick wall lowers throughout the game. It’s a ridiculously simple puzzle game which take about 4-5 seconds to completely master and get over.
Categories: The News Posted on March 27, 2009 By: Chachi
Who is Barry Popkin? You mean you don’t know! He’s the director of the obesity center at the University of Carolina (which means he probably looks like the offspring of Roseanne Barr and a skyscraper). Papa Popkin recently preformed a study (no, not breakfast) that yielded startling results. Hold onto your hats kids, because the Chach-nooka and he who loves it when you call him big Popkin are about to rock your world.
I’m not convinced. Here’s a picture of my breakfast. – DJ
I’m very angry about the fact I have to pay to wash my clothes. It’s an expense I do NOT need and the laundromat is only three steps away from “in front of a gun operated by John Rambo” on my list of places I never want to be. So, I decided if I was going to be a miserable douche for an hour I would write while I did it. Capturing for the world and, more importantly, myself the thoughts of a self-important lunatic.
I fucking HATE the John Tesh radio show. I don’t know or care if this shitbag is in syndication because he blows so hard and I’ve had to endure his show so often that I think everyone should hear what I have to say, regardless of whether you can tune into him in your hometown. (I just did some quick research – according to Wikipedia, he’s on 360 stations AND 250 stations.) Also he looks like a pedophile Greg Hughes, the actor who plays Opie on the Opie and Anthony Show.
