Dear Universal Studios,

Hello. First of all, I’m a huge fan. I just had a quick suggestion, concerning your Jurassic Park franchise. It seems like you guys were fine with just wrapping that up as a trilogy. I mean you could do that, but why not just pull a “Star Wars” and go for the saga? I know it’s hard to think of movie ideas. I know. But, TA-DA, I solved that problem for you! Here are three guaranteed oscar-worthy Jurassic Park ideas. Feel free to use them, no charge. Seeing these cinematic masterpieces come to fruition would be enough of a reward.

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So the Dark Knight finally hits stores on DVD! While it might not be the DVD you want right now, it’s definitely the purchase you deserve. Everyone is ecstatic about this release. Even Walt Disney, and he’s frozen! The only person who isn’t excited about this epic release is Bruce Wayne himself. Why is Bruce so miserable? If he can trust Alfred, why doesn’t he have a group of friends, too? This dude consistently acts like the Counting Crows’ Adam Duritz mourning the death of a goldfish. As always, you can count on SmartassRadio.com to provide you with the answers you need through research and study. Look at what we found – Bruce Wayne’s Facebook! No surprises here folks. Check it out…

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Researchers have somehow proven that women who drink, even moderately, have a reduced ability to recognize attractiveness in males. Specifically, it affects their ability to recognize facial symmetry, which supposedly has something to do with attractiveness. To this I politely say, “ohhhh fooey.” It is my experience that women are completely and utterly batshit insane, and there is absolutely no accounting for their taste. So, as a learn-ed man of science and reason, I decided to conduct my own research. I would ask all the girls who wanted to participate to rank five men and give me a quick reason why each is where he is on their list.

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In my case, university life has been a breeze, a carefree, leisurely jaunt, a brief sojourn into the academic, a soiree of sorts. I pulled off a major and minor, spent last Spring in London (for no reason other than to be in Europe) and I’ll be graduating with honors a semester early this December. How did I do it? Well, because I’m a fucking pro. Still, you might have hit some snags along the way. To help out all those who are still trudging through the collegiate mire, I have compiled a how-to guide. All this week I’ll be releasing helpful tips to ensure that you will be able to succeed in college without really trying.

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According to this AFP article (I can only imagine AFP stands for Associated Fucking Press), 119 college presidents and other big wigs signed some gimmick asking for the legal drinking age to be lowered. Of course, some soccer mom has a huge problem with it, because she doesn’t understand how great booze is.

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