Mr. Brown,

Listen here, douche bag – Rihanna is an American treasure. You are an absolute scumbag and I’m personally disgusted with your conduct. I’ll begin this letter with some questions regarding the incident. First, who the hell are you receiving booty call texts from? You’re sitting in a fucking car with RIHANNA. Second, how come she’s the one that ended up getting her ass beaten? You jackass, you have to take a dive for that one – no excuses. Third,  what were you thinking? You can’t just go around leaving beautiful girls knocked out in parking lots. You have to be responsible for your actions/messes. What you have done can never be forgiven and I personally hope you spend time getting systematically raped by hundreds of gargantuan lunatics in jail. I also hope for her sake, your mother never crosses my path. The mother of the guy who beat up Rihanna will certainly get her comeuppance from me (probably in the form of unrelenting tickles and the occasional ass-slap – tame, but comeuppance, nevertheless).

The ultimate puss-cake.

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As many of you have read in my previous posts, I have, in the past, been involved with Barbadian pop singer Rihanna. Sadly, our relationship was short lived- I wanted to take things slow and Rihanna, still young and frisky, was overly eager and moving too quickly for my taste. While we still talked with some regularity, we began to drift apart. Eventually, Rihanna met her new beau, Chris Brown. I was happy for her of course, and was glad she had finally found someone more compatible. I hadn’t really given the whole thing a second thought until this week when I found out Mr. Brown had criminally assaulted Ms. Fenty (the last name isn’t as attractive) leaving her bruised, cut and choked unconscious. Needless to say I was up in arms over the entire thing and took it as a call to action. So, I talked to Rihanna on AIM three days after hearing about it. Conversation below (Rihanna’s screen name is EllaEllaElla88 and mine is MintPsyzique71).

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I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.  Instead, during the first week of every year I analyze the top things that I am most inept at. Each year it gets harder and harder to come up with even one answer. This year it took some time, but I’ve listed out and explained the seven things I am most inept at. Will I be able to resolute these ineptitudes? I doubt it.

Coming Straight At You, From My Head to Your Face

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