Anyone who has read the site before knows that I am a tremendous fan of the Star Wars series. Actually, I just did a quick search of the site and it looks like I have no posts up that focus on Star Wars…interesting, I distinctly remember comparing Kevin Federline to a fallen AT-AT walker, but I guess that was just a pleasant dream I once had. Well, though I have no previous blog to prove it to you, trust me, I am a tremendous fan of the Star Wars series. I consider my knowledge of the movies (particularly the good three) to be fairly encyclopedic. I will admit that once those three prequels came out I did start losing touch and I imagine an expert could get some trivia past me. Nonetheless, I remain a huge fan of the saga, so you can imagine my surprise when I went into the cinema today and saw that…BOOM!…there is a new Star Wars out right now!!!

I couldn’t believe my eyes and immediately ran to the ticket counter without thinking twice. I said, “Ma’am I’ll take one adult ticket for the next showing of Star Wars!!” The woman started ringing me up, then paused a second and said, “Wait do you mean–” But I cut her off, “Ma’am I mean exactly what I said, you are looking at the biggest Star Wars fan around!!” She seemed confused, probably at the intensity of my fandom, but handed me the ticket anyway and reminded me to “Enjoy the show.” To which I said, “Thank you ma’am, and may the force be with you.” Why? Because I’m hilarious and that’s a hilarious thing to say before you go see the new Star Wars!!!
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Dear Universal Studios,

Hello. First of all, I’m a huge fan. I just had a quick suggestion, concerning your Jurassic Park franchise. It seems like you guys were fine with just wrapping that up as a trilogy. I mean you could do that, but why not just pull a “Star Wars” and go for the saga? I know it’s hard to think of movie ideas. I know. But, TA-DA, I solved that problem for you! Here are three guaranteed oscar-worthy Jurassic Park ideas. Feel free to use them, no charge. Seeing these cinematic masterpieces come to fruition would be enough of a reward.

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It’s the Christmas season once again, so I thought I’d get everyone in the spirit by making a look-a-like list based off that cult classic TV Special “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Sure, the moral of the tale is a little suspect and if you are reading this you probably have A) never seen the TV Special or B) Don’t remember watching it two decades ago. Still, I’m going to go ahead and do it anyway. So, without further ado, here are ten celebrities/things that have uncanny similarities to those timeless, stop-animated characters.

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The lovely Natalie Portman began her acting career in1994 starring in the movie Leon (aka the professional), a quirky flick about a professional assassin who begrudgingly befriends the young and spunky Mathilda (Portman). Hilarity, scenes of graphic violence and strong language ensue. I wish I could say that movie was my first, but alas it was not. Leon is rated-R and I was only seven at the time of its release. The title of my first movie goes to the forgettable Rock-a-doodle a 77-minute romp through the life and times of an Elvis-impersonating rooster whose voice causes the sun to rise. Fair enough. But, I’m an older man now; I can grow inklings of a moustache and carry televisions up and down flights of stairs. I have also learned valuable life-lessons, most notably: BE PREPARED. A simple dictum. A timeless truism. In order to be truly prepared you need to be ready for any situation imaginable. For example: What if I miraculously score a date with my prepubescent crush Queen Amidala/ Natalie Portman? You better believe I’ll have a game plan:

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does a duck’s quack echo? yes.

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