I’m writing this on Monday night about an hour before the New York Giants play the Minnesota Vikings in Detroit. This wacky set of circumstances comes as a direct result of this:

Woah.

Anyway, even more significant than an entire sports stadium collapsing under the weight of what appears to be either cocaine or sudsy bubbles is the fact that Brett Favre won’t be starting. For those of you who a) don’t like to spend 10 hours every Sunday screaming at their TV, b) don’t know the names of the sports they watch, or c) sat out every 2nd week of high school gym because of “menstrual cramps,” Brett Favre has started every single regular season game since 1992. Follow me after the jump for a list of significant events that have happened since Brett started tossing an asymmetrical leather ball to really fast black guys on a professional level.

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As much as it pains me to say, time travel is fucking impossible. I came to this conclusion at Roy’s parents house recently. I realized that if time travel ever existed, it always existed. Trippy, right? Anyway, the thing that made me realize this is that no one has completely dominated music (or really anything other art) 100%. If I could go back in time, I’d write and record every classic album like three weeks before the artist who actually wrote it.

Then I got to thinking about other things that would be different. Like how someone (probably me) would have shown up in 2005 to beat the living shit out of me before I ever had the chance to write the following LiveJournal update…

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As everyone should know, Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI on New Year’s Eve while on his way to an “amorous encounter” (woah! that sounds hot and heavy!). What information what not made readily available (at least not to this member of the celeb-driven blogosphere) was the fact that Sir Charles was leaving a party where he was joined by Michael Strahan and Jaleel White. It should come as no surprise that Jaleel finds himself in the spotlight after years of dormancy, I had, in fact, made a passing reference to Steve Urkel in my last scientific report. With all due respect, Mr. Colbert, you haven’t the slightest clue as to what it means to give people a cultural “bump”. But I digress, what follows is a word for word account of the conversation Jaleel White had with Charles “Not Gnarls” Barkley.

Clearly, this guy knows a thing or two about being responsible while you party.

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