My last installment of “What Not To Listen To: Static X” was featured on the old site and was one of the few things that didn’t make it over to the new one when we switched last August. So, I’ll be posting that as soon as I find the original document.

What Not To Listen To is my opportunity to pick a horrible, obviously hated band and just tear them to shreds for both musical and non-musical reasons. Wayne Static and Static X had it coming from day one and so has Papa Roach. I understand the easiness of tearing down each of these bands, but I’m gonna do it anyway.

This is not photoshopped.

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Kanye West eloquently rebutted allegations that he would do bi-sexual porn earlier this week. First of all, idiots, the term “bi-sexual porn” makes me want to have sex with a woman and then flirt with a guy. I’ve never once in my very lenthy porn watching career ever saw something I would consider “bi-sexual” – it’s straight or it’s gay. Regardless, I’d do it. In fact, I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I just watched the first 80% of Zach and Miri Make a Porno (fucking megavideo). So here’s a few porno ideas I hope to make one day. Or at least over the course of a few days.

I’m telling you – they’re total sluts.

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In today’s economy, I find it hard to believe that a TV channel like Food Network is able to keep all of its current programming and exist as a channel (although if there are even a thousand bored college students like me, they should have no trouble through January). Once January’s over, though, they’ll have to trim some fat (shoot me on-sight if you see me). Hopefully that fat will land itself in a place where it can grow into something immoral and mostly devoid of cooking advice. A tacky porn site. These are my ideas for the big switch:

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Researchers have somehow proven that women who drink, even moderately, have a reduced ability to recognize attractiveness in males. Specifically, it affects their ability to recognize facial symmetry, which supposedly has something to do with attractiveness. To this I politely say, “ohhhh fooey.” It is my experience that women are completely and utterly batshit insane, and there is absolutely no accounting for their taste. So, as a learn-ed man of science and reason, I decided to conduct my own research. I would ask all the girls who wanted to participate to rank five men and give me a quick reason why each is where he is on their list.

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if you really wanna see how awful it is, double click then click ‘view in high quality’

ugh.

here’s the entirety of “What Not To Listen To: Celine Dion”

What you most definitely should not be listening to in any way shape or form is dumb Celine Dion. This anorexic bitch is a waste of 40lbs of human flesh. Her latest album is called “Taking Chances”. This would be like Stevie Wonder calling his next album “Seeing Things”. The biggest chance this dolt has ever taken was wearing a white pantsuit after Labor Day in September of ’96 just after the release of her single “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now”.

I tried to do a little research for this stupid bit, but I found that I couldn’t even get through a full paragraph anywhere on her Wikipedia page. Honestly, could you get through a page of shit like this?

In reference to her album “Let’s Talk About Love”:

As the name suggests, the album had the same theme as Dion’s preceding albums—”love”. However, emphasis was also placed on “brotherly love” with “Where Is the Love” and “Let’s Talk About Love”.

So instead of ranting in a rational and informed manner like on my previous “what not to listen to” which you may recall from October of ’07 I will instead just talk out of my ass for the next few minutes.

Can you believe that it’s been 10 years since VH1’s “Divas Live”? Yeah, me either. Can you also believe that I remember such an idiotic thing? Well either way, I remember Celine Dion trotting out in khaki pants and the worst “I’m a mom who rocks” look on her face while the band started playing AC/DC’s immortal “You Shook Me All Night Long”. She then sang it like the cunty French Canadian she is.

What happened to Anastacia? She was pretty meaty. Back to Celine… God what a fucking phony. That air guitar is inexcusable. That Divas Live was one of the most awful things I think VH1 ever did. Everyone was so fucked into obsessing about “DIVA’S”. Then who do they pick? Of course Aretha “My Shoulders Aren’t Much Different Than A Moose’s” Franklin, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion and Gloria Estefan and Shania Twain.

I fail to see how the last two fit, but let’s pause and think about how often Aretha Franklin is paraded around like some great artist. It seems like every year she has some star studded performance at the Grammy Awards and ever year she sings even more poorly and gets even fucking fatter. It’s inconceivable.

Mariah Carey I actually kind of like. I don’t care what people say I think she’s hot and she has some set of ti-I mean pipes on her.

Now, Gloria Estefan, formerly of the Miami Sound Machine and until I just checked her Wikipedia I was convince was dead is not in the same category as these other clowns… or is she? Let me check the Wikipedia… nope. She actually struggled at some point in her life and is now worth $500 million.

Shania Twain used to be married to Def Leppard producer Mutt Lange, but isn’t so who cares?

And that is why you shouldn’t ever listen to Celine Dion.

Click here for .mp3