Last week Radiohead released a new track entitled, “Harry Patch (In Memory of).” Pretty interesting title. As you may or may not know, the namesake of the song is…well Harry Patch. If you don’t know, Harry Patch was the last surviving soldier who fought in World War I. He died on July 25th this year at the age of 111 years and 38 days.  I’m not sure if you’ve listened to the song yet, but, as a tribute, Radiohead tried to make their song sound just as long. Harry Patch was a pretty awesome guy, the third oldest man worldwide, the oldest one in Europe and one of the 70 oldest men who ever lived. Thanks Wikipedia.

Anyway, Harry was British and so is Radiohead, so obviously the band felt the need to crank out a song. And I really mean crank it out, this song came out like the day of his death. Personally, I think that’s a little douchey, clearly they were trying to steal some of Harry’s thunder, but who cares! Radiohead wrote a song for you! That’s pretty sweet right? They used to be one of the most sought after bands and they used to write tons of cool songs, so now this old guy, who didn’t even know what a Radiohead was, gets a rocking song named after him! Awesome!

WRONG.

I’m sure you have noticed, but the indie-community certainly hasn’t: Radiohead have clearly lost their spark. Some people thought they jumped the shark with “Amnesiac” or “Hail To The Thief”…some even stretched it to Thom Yorke’s solo album and let’s not kid ourselves even for a free album  “In Rainbows” wasn’t that good. The best thing Radiohead has done recently is their guitarist Johnny Greenwood’s soundtrack for the movie “There Will Be Blood” which ruled. The second best thing they’ve done is not tour the United States, because if they did I might end up getting nostalgic for High School and purchase some outrageously priced ticket. I think Thom Yorke will only tour the US when we have a president that he feels comfortable mocking.

Harry Patch

Now, if you haven’t played the song yet please do. Let’s try to imagine what Harry Patch would say when he wakes up, turns on the radio and hears this song up in heaven:

A) This blows. Was I really this boring?
B) Why is it only string instruments? I need some guitar!
C) Why is the lead singer falling asleep?
D) Wait, why are they singing MY quotes!

I’ll respond in order:

A) Yes, this song does blow, but, no, Mr. Patch you are not boring. You led one of the craziest lives I’ve ever heard of. You lived over a century, plus you were in the trenches of the first modern war. Your song should have rocked. It should have had the sounds of bombs clobbering Germans and guitar solos clobbering our eardrums. Instead we get the on and off swelling of a quartet? Really? How long did this take to write? It sounds like Thom Yorke fell asleep on an expensive keyboard set to Symphony Tone. And you really have the nerve to take up 5 minutes and 30 seconds of our time? Harry Patch is in heaven! He can do whatever he wants! He doesn’t have 5 minutes to spare! There is tapioca pudding to be swam in and black-and-white television stars to meet! DJ proposed that we each write a commentary as we listened to the song, marking the time and our reactions as we went along. We’ll have to do that for a different song because the transcripts for this little ditty would be identical:

0:00-5:30: Blech.

B) Yes, the song is made up of only string instruments. To review Radiohead has five members: Guitar, Guitar, Guitar, Bass and Drums. Yes, they need three guitars, but to be fair one guy just makes eerie sound effects through a series of delay pedals and Thom Yorke usually just hold his and mopes. So, since obviously none of the band plays on the track, it shouldn’t really be called a Radiohead track. Unless they all circled around a piece of staff paper and played a collective connect-the-dots to compose it. I think this is more likely Thom Yorke’s doing. I’m sure when he read the morning’s headlines his lazy-eye of gloom swirled in a fit of dejection and he rushed into the studio, determined to fulfill his role as the pessimistic Bono. The track was done in minutes and released soon after, putting a damper on all subsequent remembrances and causing the folks over at Pitchfork.com to cream their ironically short shorts at 11:30 in the morning.

C) Yes, Thom Yorke (perhaps more than usual) sounds like he is falling asleep. I think between lines he actually does enter REM. Then he awakens, startled, and says something else before snoozing off again. How does it take him 5:30 to say 8 lines? Bowie did it in under three.

D) Perhaps most inconsiderate, the eight lines sang are all quotes said by Harry Patch. After WWI, Patch was a notable Anti-War voice. Obviously Radiohead are anti-everything, including war, so this was a perfect match up. I guess the idea of using a famous person’s words in a song to commemorate them isn’t totally off the wall, but the way it’s done in this song is just bleak. I’m sure images of devils rising up from the soil and an apocalyptic hell on Earth isn’t really what Patch’s family, friends and admirers want to be thinking about as he’s put in the ground. I’m calling it, Radiohead: Wet Blanket Band of 2009.

This whole fiasco also got me thinking. When I die is Radiohead going to write a song about me? At the rate they’re going, I hope not. If anyone does feel the need to sing my quotes after I’m gone I want those quotes to rock. So, to make sure I don’t get stuck with a five and a half minute dud, I’m now declaring the following criteria:

Should You Feel The Need To Commemorate My Life Through Song:
-The song must be less than 3 minutes or, if it must run longer, should rock the entire time.
-The song should be at tempo higher than 125.
-Electric guitar and drums must be included. Also ripping solos.
-The song MAY NOT be accompanied by a music video slideshow of sepia-toned pictures of me.
-If you are going to use my quotes as lyrics you have to select from the quote list below:

“I never stopped rocking.”
“My life was a party and I really enjoyed it.”
“I don’t really regret anything”
“I was a Grade-A person in general and I had a great sense of fashion for a straight guy.”
“My blogs were hilarious and everyone laughed at them.”
“My hair was big, just like my heart.”
“I was too skinny and looked too young, but no one ever cared because I was just that terrific.”
“Everyone liked me because I was miraculous.”
“You can be awesome too, you’re pretty awesome right now.”
“Just be happy, you’re not living in a distopian society. George Orwell is just one author. There are others. Sunshine still exists. Go outside.”
“I hope this song doesn’t suck like the one Radiohead wrote about Harry Patch.”