Roy and I read a lot of books. In fact, it’s almost all we ever do. Usually we only read top notch masterpieces by the likes of Hemmingway, Riekki, Vonnegut, Shakespeare and Seuss. But, every once in a while a book so bad will make its way into our extensive library, where we are invariably forced to read them cover to cover, that we will actually wretch in our leather easy chairs. These are the worst nine of those books.
Close, but no cigar, Ms. “I’m From Alaska and Refuse to Fix My Teeth”
Zap! A Children’s Guide to Installing Industrial Lighting
Drake Malley, M.D.
Dr. Malley teaches your child the ins and outs of lighting installation through his one-of-a kind brand of electronics-related humor and detailed diagrams. After reading this book, kids will have endless fun at the mercy of floor managers just like the 1920s! Free fork and live socket included.
The Complete Idiots Guide to Autism, Hopscotch & The Moon
Fanny Leofler
If you’re familiar with the “Complete Idiots” guides you’re probably autistic, playing hopscotch or have an uncomfortable relationship with the moon. The first book written in English by ex-cosmonaut Fanny Loefler, this text guarantees a surface level understanding of Autism, Hopscotch and/or the Moon. Also available on 8-track tape.
Mother Teresa’s Guide To the Best Hot Dog Stands In NYCMother Teresa with Gert McGillicuddy
No one loves Big Apple dirty water dogs as much as Mother Teresa (may she rest in Peace). This posthumous work by the premier religious mogul of the 1950’s, 1960’s, 1970’s, 1980’s, and 1990’s provides readers with a comprehensive guide to all things tubesteak. Filled with humor, life lessons, one-of-a-kind personal anecdotes, and more salted beef and pork than you know what to do with, this is the perfect book for that unhealthy religious nut in your life!
World’s Wackiest Rice Dishes
Paula Dean
From white to pilaf, spanish to white, this book covers all the rice-covered bases. Containing 6 mesmorizing illustrations and 3 delicious dishes, this book will have you saying “That tastes like plain rice” in no time! Be sure to watch Paula Dean’s Rice Special during halftime at Super Bowl XLIII! Go to www.fatlardasschef.com for more information.
The Art of Misdirection and Hey! Look Over There!
Bernard Flemming
What are you talking about? I never named my book “The Art of Misdirection”. Now, Troy Aikman, he could throw a football huh? I like to collect interesting bottles. Transformers. You know, robots in disguise? I microwave my pepperoni. Tits.
Fart Vomit
Chuck Palahniuk
From the author who brought you tales of chronically masturbating Amish, a model who’s face was violently blown off with a shotgun, a murderous, nymphomaniac ghost, and a teen’s inverted, underwater asshole, comes the summer thriller of the summer. It’s gory as shit. Yellow, viscus shit. At 994 pages, this tome chronicles the life and times of post-worker Barry Barrers, a schizophrenic product of an incestuous marriage between a woman and an orangutan, as he ventures from Canada to Kenya to ferment his own feces and sell it as AIDS-soaked chocolate milk out of a rusty ice cream truck inhabited by leprous, pre-teen junkies. “I loved it”- Former poet-laureate Billy Collins
A Quickstart Guide to Writing and Recording an Album
Axl Rose
Outgoing, open and to-the-point rock singer Axl Rose provides readers with quick and easy tips on writing and recording you 14 year in the making third album. Color photos and more examples than anyone knows what to do with make it easy to follow and fun to read. As a bonus, this volume contains contact information for 87 guitarists, 16 bass players, 32 synth players, a handful of drummers and about a dozen Pro-Tools experts.
Date Avaliable: N/A
How to be Famous
Uncle Marty
If there’s one person who knows what he’s talking about, it’s Uncle Marty. With cautionary tales from his time spent in ‘Nam, this will no doubt become the go to guide for anyone looking for a taste of the limelight. Some topics include: How To Pick Up Pretty Girls, three chapters starting with “When I was your age”, and Can You Help Me Turn My VCR On?
Uncle Marty
The follow up to his decided flop “How To Be Famous”, Uncle Marty’s sophomore attempt sees him truly in his element. With diagrams of Uncle Marty in his pee-stained briefs making two different kinds of grilled cheese (regular and extra crispy) on an old gas fired stove, this guide is for anyone looking to become a Grilled Cheese Whiz! Added extra chapters include ruminations on how to garnish your plate with generic brand cheese puffs and mayonnaise dollops, and whether or not it is wise to use anything but store brand single slice white American.
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