Roy: Hey there everybody,
Everybody: Hi Roy! You missed a post yesterday, you know?
Roy: Yeah, I know. Sorry. But I just added one about Moby Dick.
Everybody: It wasn’t good or funny.
Roy: Yeah, I know. That’s why I posted it to the past. So no one reads it. You like the new logo though, right?
Everybody: Yeah, congrats on posting Jason’s hard work.
Roy: I’ve never really cared for the Gorillaz. Actually, I take that back, I (like every other 8th grader) did like that one song, Clint Eastwood. I still think it rocks. Here’s a video. I would recommend playing it while you read the rest of this blog.
Anyway, after this song came out I was pretty much done with the Gorillaz. The next single I remember being released was “Feel Good Inc.” which I didn’t care for. This year Last year this band of cartoon monkeys released another album. It was called Plastic Beach, which is a difficult landscape to imagine. I don’t know what the single was off this album, but a quick Wikipedia check tells me that there were four: Boom, bang, ka-pow, and this one.
I suppose the main reason I haven’t heard any of these songs before is that I don’t like any of them. They are all really boring. Some people said that Plastic Beach was one of the best albums of 2010, but in my opinion those people have lousy musical taste. These tracks stink and they all pale in comparison to the Gorillaz’s first and best song, which you are hopefully still listening to.
Well it looks like the guy from Blur who made up this animated ape ensemble realized that his music is pretty shitty nowadays. So, like any artist without ideas, he is resorting to gimmicks. At the end of December he released some album called The Fall which he recorded entirely on his iPad. I don’t know what that means and I only do one Wikipedia search per blog, so you’ll have to find the answer yourself. I would speculate that, because it was recorded entirely on an iPad and released for free online, it also stinks and is only interesting to die-hard fans of the band, like Curious George and Manilla Gorilla. Anyway it was released. I imagine no one gave a fuck, so the guy from Blur decided to get people’s attention in another way. He made up another member of his band. His cartoon band.
The band’s website explains that this new band member, named the Evangelist, is meant to compliment another member of the band named the Boogieman? I quote:
“‘The Evangelist’ is the opposite of ‘The Boogieman’; the light to his awful shade. ‘The Boogieman’ has appeared in several images from the Gorillaz world, and now featured in several videos… ‘The Evangelist’ is a similar entity, but the flip-side of ‘The Boogieman’. He/she may even be revealed as ‘The Boogieman’s’ avenger. His/her outer appearance is yet to be defined. Many rumours fly around of his/her description.”
I have never even heard of this Boogieman guy, and guess what? He’s not a monkey. Already I’m thinking: fuck this. You’re a monkey band, not a fucking art project, but evidently the Gorillaz (with a fucking z) think that they are an art project and not a monkey band. Well back in November this art project held a contest and let their fans send in designs for the new band member. Which would be kind of cool if there were real people in the band and not cartoons, but the fact is that these losers were just sending in drawings and not human beings in cages. I guess there are a good number of people who care about the mythos of the Gorillaz (with a z, not an s). In the end, this is the entry that won and, consequently, the new member of the band:
Congratulations guys, you picked a giant dick-person as your new band member (yes, that is going to continue). I mean, come on. Does no one else see this? He’s a slender, fleshy, veiny, dude with a giant purple head that is bursting with fluid? From the dribble of white on its chin to the sweaty balls of its feet, this thing is a penis. It’s a penis! I hate its outfit too; it looks awful. Really stupid. Oh and not to mention, this guy looks like a gigantic animated penis. He’s even got two one-eyed-monsters on his sleeves in case you need the subliminal reminder. But you probably don’t need that reminder, because it is glaringly apparent that this guy is meant to look like a huge penis. What do penises have to do with monkeys? Can somebody answer that question? Because this is very clearly a giant penis, and not a monkey. Maybe instead of calling this member the Evangelist, they should have called him the Evangedick. Am I right?
I am. This dude looks like an enormous pulsating cock-guy. Nice job Gorillaz (with a mother-fucking z).