Things I am Better at Than Roy Verspoor
[About a month ago I removed Patty from our "About" page. About two days ago, she noticed and got in a tizzy demanding that she be put back on it. I have a feeling she misses all the "creepy" dudes finding her on Facebook and sending her lewd emails. But that's besides the point; clearly, she doesn't deserve to be there. I told her that if she started contributing, I might put her back on. In a fit of rage, she cranked out this gem of a piece and demanded we do a podcast on Long Island. Both ended up being equally genius. And so, Patty is now included on the "About" once again. -DJ]
Loving Fat People
Not only is Roy racist, but he also hates fat people. When I first met him he pulled a bathroom scale out of his man-purse, weighed me, and then he proceeded to take my measurements. And those 20lbs DJ lost this past summer? All Roy’s idea. Roy has actually become an anti-fat vigilante; he patrols the New Paltz Stop & Shop smacking tubs of ice cream from fatties’ sticky hands.
Having a Cool Last Name
Verspoor? Really? It sounds like someone is hacking a loogie. And where do you break up that name? Vers-poor? Ver-spoor?
Spoor |spoŏr; spô(ə)r| noun. the track or scent of an animal : they searched around the hut for a spoor | the trail is marked by wolf spoor.
Poor |poŏr; pôr| adjective. lacking sufficient money to live at a standard considered comfortable or normal in a society
No, that’s cool…
Let us compare family mottos:
O’Leary- Laidir isé lear Righ (Strong is the King of the Sea)
Verspoor- Rideo Risi Risum Macer (Laugh at the Skinny Kid)
Growing Armpit Hair
Roy is actually as hairless as they come. If questioned, Roy will make up some bullshit story about how waxing his armpits makes him more aerodynamic for a 5k. Don’t believe him. He started running as a cover up for never hitting puberty.
http://www.lebteen.com/images/puberty.jpg
Getting Kicked off SmartassRadio.com
This may seem like a bad thing to be good at, at first, but let’s dig deeper: my actions, or lack thereof, affect DJ so greatly that he bothered to take me off the website. I mean, it is glaringly obvious to anyone who views the website that I do absolutely nothing, he didn’t have to go to the trouble of taking down my picture and all of my tags. Do you ever see DJ get worked up over Roy? No because Roy is ranked second on DJ’s “List of Things I Feel Apathetic About” justing barely beating sod farming.
List of Things I Feel Apathetic About (Copied from DJ’s livejournal)
- Donating to children
- Roy Joseph Verspoor
- Sod farming
- The art of wig making
- Polyester thread
Picking up Chicks
Do you remember being little and having your teacher show you the water and pepper trick? Your teacher puts pepper in a bowl of water and then asks you to stick your finger in the center of the bowl. Nothings really happens, sometimes a few pieces of pepper get stuck to your finger. Then, when your teacher secretly soaps up her finger and sticks it in the bowl, all of the pepper is repelled and quickly moves to the outside of the bowl.
I see this as a metaphor for our abilities to pick up women. While I am no Casanova, a few women do “stick” so to speak. (Generally, they are either a. crazy, b. whorish, or c. straight-when-sober.) Roy, however, is the soapy finger in the peppered-water-bowl of love. Women will not even enter a room if Roy is there unless they have to. Why do you think Roy wanted to get a teaching position?
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01/15/2009
“the soapy finger in the peppered-water-bowl of love”
hahahaaaaaaa. so smart.
01/26/2009
well said.