Things I Will Keep In Mind Should I Ever Go On a Date with Natalie Portman
The lovely Natalie Portman began her acting career in1994 starring in the movie Leon (aka the professional), a quirky flick about a professional assassin who begrudgingly befriends the young and spunky Mathilda (Portman). Hilarity, scenes of graphic violence and strong language ensue. I wish I could say that movie was my first, but alas it was not. Leon is rated-R and I was only seven at the time of its release. The title of my first movie goes to the forgettable Rock-a-doodle a 77-minute romp through the life and times of an Elvis-impersonating rooster whose voice causes the sun to rise. Fair enough. But, I’m an older man now; I can grow inklings of a moustache and carry televisions up and down flights of stairs. I have also learned valuable life-lessons, most notably: BE PREPARED. A simple dictum. A timeless truism. In order to be truly prepared you need to be ready for any situation imaginable. For example: What if I miraculously score a date with my prepubescent crush Queen Amidala/ Natalie Portman? You better believe I’ll have a game plan:
• Do not fart. This a rudimentary guideline, something you learn in the little leagues of courtship, but it should still be kept in mind. You don’t need to stop by your local soothsayer to foresee the disastrous situation should a flatulent vibration escape your loins during an amorous conversation. Imagine: the waitress arrives to refill our glasses of Pinot Noir, I smile and thank her for her prompt service, but before she can even think of saying “why thank you sir” I let slip a gastric tweet. The romantic atmosphere tumbles to the ground faster than humpty-dumpty on a house of cards.
• Do not bring up Star Wars. I know I’m going to want to. I know I’m going to really want to, but I will just have to zip my lip. I can’t even meta-reference Star Wars by saying something like, “Don’t worry Natalie, I won’t talk about Star Wars.” Bbut its going to be so difficult!! I have so many questions! How was it working with C-3PO? Did you ever get to hold a real lightsaber? How’s the weather on Naboo? I’ll have to swallow my curiosity. People never like to talk about their early work. If Natalie Portman started probing me about my high school “poetry”, you can bet I’d be a little peeved. It’s probably best we leave our professional lives out of the conversation all together.
• Go Dutch. When the check arrives, splitting it equally down the middle is a great idea. Natalie Portman is a massive starlet (popularity-wise, not weight-wise), she clearly has some dough (money-wise, not weight-wise). It would be patronizing for me to pay for the entire dinner. She’s probably a feminist of sorts and would reject my male-centric way of doing things. Also, I’m sure she’s involved with some humanitarian work and would relish the opportunity to help out someone of lower class.
• Draw a caricature. This tip is applicable to all dates, not just my inevitable one with Natalie Portman. Fact: people love to have caricatures drawn of them. I challenge you to find a single individual who does not appreciate the inherit yuck-yucks found within these outrageous portraits. Imagine the scene: Natalie has been sitting still, munching on a breadstick; I put down my Crayola washable marker and make the big reveal. There are belly-laughs galore and Natalie nearly spits munched breadstick all over table seven. Natalie is spellbound at how I’ve somehow changed her slim physique and elegant evening gown into a cartoonish soccer player. Once the laughs have subsided I begin work on a second caricature, continuing the process until our meals arrive. The one downside to this plan is that, as of now, I do not know how to draw caricatures.
• Bring a cockatoo. Having a cockatoo on my shoulder throughout dinner will give me an air of distinction. Also, while I’m busy working on my caricatures, the cockatoo can squawk different hilarious phrases to keep the conversation moving naturally. Things like, “Awck! Awck! V for Vendetta was fantastic.” or “Caw! Caw! Are you enjoying the spinach dip?”
• OK fine, talk about Star Wars. There is a very real chance that when this date occurs I will not be a skilled caricaturist and I will not own a cockatoo. This is doubly true if the date happens sometime this week. The possibility of renting a cockatoo is still a viable option, but without the caricature drawing I’m going to need to talk. Ali Baba (the logical name of my cockatoo) will only be able to sustain conversation for so long with his jibber-jabber. Also, though Natalie will more than likely want to go on a follow up date, there is the off chance that this will be the only time we will be able to talk one on one. I see no reason not to ask the biting question: “Do you have access to the Boba Fett costume?”
• Try not to blink. Blinking too frequently while someone is talking can ruin an entire conversation. Blinking can reveal skepticism or disinterest; it may also highlight your overly dry corneas. While I am schmoozing with Natalie Portman over potato skins and Cabernet Sauvignon you can bet that I will have my eyes glued to her every move, slowly and blinklessly scouring each expression, like a true gentleman should.
• Bring a gift. A great way to impress a celebrity is to give them a surprise gift completely out of the blue. Right before Natalie forks the last bit of her Caesar salad into her mouth, I’ll ask her to look under her chair. Earlier in the night, I’ve had the maître d’ slip a small, well-wrapped gift box right under her nose. Giddy as a school girl she’d lift it up and, low and behold, a copy of Garden State on DVD! She’d laugh at my ironic choice of gift and find me even more endearing than she originally thought.
• Discuss potential children’s names. Towards the end of the meal, once we’ve gotten to know each other a bit more, I’ll get down to brass tacks. As I lift a spoon-full of fried banana a la mode to my lips, I’ll pause and gingerly ask, “So Natalie, what would you want to name the little guys if you ever come to bear the fruits of my loom?” Of course, I’ve got my prepared answers. Top-runners right now: Hank (I just like the ring of it), Santa (massive popularity prior to 6th grade), Tendercrisp (Unique, sounds delicious) and Rich (the name Rich Verspoor is intriguing because it reiterates the timeless class struggle). As we dine on dessert I can discuss the pros and cons of each suggestion with the help of a well-outlined Powerpoint presentation.
If I follow these criteria exactly on my date with Natalie Portman, I see no reason why we won’t be able to live happily ever after. To review: I will keep all my interior odors to myself, there is a 50/50 chance I will not discuss Star Wars at length, I will reimburse you for the cost of 50% of the meal, I may or may not be able to wow you with caricature/cockatoo skills, I won’t blink, I will provide you with a stunning gift and, finally, I will offer you the opportunity to bear my children. If that’s not a winning package, I honestly do not know what is. To conclude, I only have two requests: A) if you should somehow find yourself on a date with Natalie Portman in the near future, please have the common decency to formulate your own romantic strategies; most of these are pending copyright anyway. B) should you be Natalie Portman, I hope you’re excited and I look forward to the passionate trysts to come.
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