It’s been just about a year since the site was last updated, so I decided to dig down deep and really get back to my roots with my first one back. In classic SmartassRadio.com form, I’m going to waste a few minutes of your day by picking on some people who I will never meet in real life and who will never ever read this. Really daring shit.
The original title was “Eight Douchebags Who Will Never Have TV Careers” but I just don’t have enough time for that, so I cut it down to three and decided not to rule out the possibility that one of these idiots will be the breakout TV star of 2013. Then I also realized Joe Theismann and Matt Millen are here to stay for at least the rest of the football season, so I think that qualifies as a career.
As long as this piece of shit is still on TV, I don’t know why I would assume the next three won’t be.
Let’s make it a countdown, shall we?
3. Joe Theismann & Matt Millen
I’ll lump these two meat heads in together. Two former great football players who suck gigantic whale cock as announcers. Matt Millen is widely considered to be directly responsible for the Lions 0-16 season. Joe Theismann is a washed up, bitter old fool who had to play in the CFL for three years before moving to the NFL, where he would go on to hold the record for the lowest average punt distance. Ever.
The problem with these two is they have absolutely no credentials for the job they hold and yet they talk with more bravado and start more pointless arguments than any other broadcast team on TV. And we, as a football loving and god fearing nation, are forced to listen to these two blithering assholes fart back and forth between each other for three or four hours every Thursday night on NFL Network. Why isn’t “Neon” Deion “Primetime” Sanders in the booth? That motherfucker’s hysterical.
This shit is hard to watch (don’t say I didn’t warn you), but it may explain why Joe is such a sour puss:
2. The rest of this list is dudes, so I only felt it fair to channel surf and find a woman to pick on. I landed on “19 Kids and Counting.” These constantly multiplying amoeba-people just can’t help themselves from popping out kids ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I can almost commend Jim Bob for at least having the gall to enforce a “no rubber” policy, which kind of rocks. But that cum dumpster wife of his is as vapid as they come.
The religious aspect really bugs the shit out of me, too. Does this idiot think she’s so much better off than these poor women?
I just saw a commercial for a show called “Bama Belles.” The first sentence of the commercial is:
The biggest misconception about women in the south is that we’re ignorant.
No it’s not.
1. The McDonald’s “Don’t Talk To Me” Coffee Guy
I’d be lying if I pretended that this entire post wasn’t a long preamble to make fun of this guy. Increasingly, I find the comments on YouTube can do more to succinctly sum up my feelings than I probably could, so I’ll defer to user Panzercroc on this one:
This guy is a penis with ears, the Mcdonalds [sic] girl should have thrown the hot coffee in his dopey-looking face.
While that sums it up pretty fucking well, I’d like to take it a couple steps further. First of all, as much as anyone could possibly like coffee, no one would be such an asshole to their friend, their neighbor (or coworker, he’s kind of ambiguous), the cute girl on the bus AND the hardworking Mc-employee who’s about to serve him his FUCKING COFFEE. Second, NO ONE LOOKS LIKE THAT. The coolest professor on planet earth isn’t that disheveled and the cleanest cut rocker wouldn’t be caught dead in that refuse he’s wearing. Finally, this is a McDonald’s commercial; where are all the black people?*
I, like Panzercroc wish his commercial ended more like this one:
*At first glance this may come off as racist, but I assure you I have the deepest respect for the black community in dealing with McDonald’s bullshit. After all, they haven’t burned down McDonald’s which have been strategically placed in their neighborhoods (I know I would at least try) or even complained about the blatant pandering and disrespect that Mickey D’s continually shoves down all our throats (like I’m doing right now).