Why do I kiss the ground that Axl Rose walks on? Because he sings like he means it – right down to the “YOWZA!” at the end of “Mr. Brownstone”. I guess there’s something to be said for what everyone’s musician father tells them when their guitar is too loud: “You can’t have loud without quiet.” But fuck that, if you’re making music that you’re passionate about, why don’t you show it? I’m sick of pussy bands and everyone else should be too.
Without further ado, I present my 5 Least Enthusiastic Singers of All Time. See if you can guess which of the following snore-inducing crooners inspired this list.
Beck is one cool motherfucker. I love his music. But Jesus “I was actually a lunatic that somehow gained 12 confused men as followers who then started the long and destructive history of the religion named after me” Christ, dude. Beyond “Sexx Laws” I really don’t see why you’re so constantly out of it.
The Father of “I Don’t Give A Shit”-core. Steve Miller is the only singer I can think of who can make a narrative about a bank robbery boring. I actually fell asleep when I saw him in concert last summer. Scout’s honor, I did.
I think this is less a case of “Cooler Than Thou” and more a case of “Lack of Talent”. This fucking guy (like he just put his second record out… who the fuck am I?)… This fucking guy just flat out can’t sing for shit. The problem I have is that he doesn’t even try. At all.
Honorable Mention – Jakob Dylan – it must be really tough being a millionaire before you’re born. Quit your whiny singing, asswipe.
This one’s a little different. The thing is, he sounds like he’s really into it, but he’s not. He let’s Nikki Sixx write all the horrible, horrible lyrics and he goes out like a puppet and sings them. Honestly, I never had a problem with the Crue (I wish I could figure out umlauts) until their most recent half assed attempt at music. Honestly, Vince grow a pair and tell Nikki you’re not singing a song called “Chicks = Trouble” no matter how many times it’s written in his diary from 1987 – fact check that one nerds…
Aaron Something (Staind Guy)
I really can’t be bothered looking up the name of this horse’s ass (the pic came directly from their wikipedia). Their big hit came on the radio the other day and instead of turning it off I decided to listen. The next day I was actually ordered by my employer to go to the doctor to be treated as a narcoleptic because of the horrific truck accident that ensued as a result of me trying to sing this song. I hate this motherfucker with such a passion I refuse to learn his name.
In fact, this also reminds me of how I actually saw some jerk driving down the Long Island Expressway in a car covered in Staind decals. I hope he died in a fiery wreck which was aided by the vinyl covering his little shitbox car.