Top 10 Things you may claim to understand which I will not believe.
A lot of people out there will try to bamboozle me but, while the occasional trickster may slip past my watchful eye, these ten culprits certainly do not. I don’t buy what their selling, they’re not pulling one over on me and I’m not hopping on their turnip wagon. Without further ado:
#10- You claim to know how to levitate like Street Magicians
I’m sure everyone as seen some know-it-all attempt to wow a crowd by demonstrating how to levitate like David Blaine. Oh, all you have to do is keep one foot straight and the lift with the ball of the other? That’s not it dufus. You don’t even look like your levitating. You got maybe an inch off the ground and then gravity got the best of you. If that’s how professional magicians did they wouldn’t be professional; they’d be you.
#9- You claim to understand the ending of Donnie Darko
Donnie drives into a “time tunnel” (doesn’t make sense) then wakes up the next day, laughing, and a jet engine falls on him (doesn’t make sense) the camera pans through the faces of other major and minor characters suspiciously looking like they know something which you don’t (and you never will).
Still, a cool movie.
#8- You claim to have read either “Gravity’s Rainbow” or “Ulysses” in full
You can probably get through a sentence like this in one shot:
… and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.
but then try 640-1,000 pages (depending on editions) of it. Are they good? I guess so, but no one will ever know for sure. For all we know pages 12-998 just repeat the word ‘toucan’. I’d love to see what the dust-jackets say about these books, but I don’t think I can even get through those.
#7-You claim to really love the art of Piet Mondrian
Really? There are three options. A) You are lying and being pretentious. B) You are lying and being ironic. C) You are serious and have a tremendously low self-esteem and are thus impressed by anything.
#6- You claim your favorite music is “anything I can dance to” or “I like everything”
When you see this it is pretty clear that these people are lying. In reality, they like music so little that they can’t even come with a single name to write down as their favorite. Anything I can dance to? Newsflash: you can dance to everything. Rhythmic movements of the body are not contingent upon noise. Here’s a test, if you like “everything” then I’m sure you’re fine with listening to both Toby Keith’s “Beer for my Horses” and this song by Mouse on Mars. Check. Mate.
#5- You claim to be better than normal at poker when you are not a professional poker player.
I know professional poker players are better, obviously, they probably know all the stats of which hands and cards are most likely when and where…blah blah blah. However, the average joe playing with his friends knows nothing special. If you know the rules of poker, you’re set. Thats it, its all luck. If you’re playing with your pals no one is going to be thrown by your “poker face”. Your “poker face” is just your normal face, but you’re not smiling- there’s no trick involved. A two year old could be dealt a royal flush and win a billion dollars from you, even if you read all the poker books in the world and watched it a couple times on ESPN 2.
#4- You claim to understand how I can sneeze and be listening to that same sneeze five minutes later from the speakers of my car and then watch that series of events on my tv. And then later watch the whole kitten-caboodle on Youtube.
Follow me here. If I were so inclined I could turn on a microphone that runs into my comp. I pop open Audacity, record myself sneezing. Export the Mp3, drag it over to iTunes, throw a CD-R into the comp, burn the disc. Two minutes later I’m in my car and I’m listening to my own sneeze over and over again. Throughout the whole ordeal I’ve got my brother videotaping me on a camcorder. We slide the VHS into the VCR and now I’m watching myself listening to myself sneeze while driving. As I watch, I again record myself, this time on a digital camera, import it to the comp, convert it, upload it to youtube and then watch it all again. Think you can explain any step of that process? No, you can’t. Human beings have had a long stretch of very lucky inventions.
#3- You claim to understand the ending of the Matrix Reloaded
I quote from the Kentucky Fried Architect:
Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the matrix. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.
Ergo, nobody is going to get anything out of this. Concordantly, it doesn’t make sense. I think its apropos to say the Wachowski brothers are big nerds who must have been studying for the SAT while writing their screenplay. If you think you understand this concluding exchange you’re a big faker, vis-a-vis: a weiner-face.
#2- You claim to know anything more than usual about Olympic Synchronized Diving.
I caught this event today and the commentator really bugged me. Here’s what would happen: Two guys jump off a 30foot diving board, do some flips in sync and then land with as little splash as possible. By describing the process I’ve already given you all the scoring criteria. If they aren’t in sync, its bad. If they splash a lot, its bad. Still, we’re stuck with a commentator shouting out “That’s gunna cost ‘em” at every ripple. Of course, since the sport is very easy to understand, the people you are watching with are also bound to add their two cents. The jumpers from Czechoslovakia don’t land together and your Dad is yelling out, “Oh, they didn’t land together, that’s no good”. Two minutes of spectator-ship and everyone’s an expert.
#1- You claim to speak/read Elvish
It’s not real, I don’t believe. Or shall I say, “Ohnass donatta ei ut mogg Noddaat au io boe Gunmaa”.
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