Top Five Things That Could Ruin My 21st Birthday
I have been looking forward to my 21st birthday for the past four years. It’s this friday on Halloween. It seems like the planets have aligned to allow me to have the most stellar day imaginable. Tons of my good friends are coming up to New Paltz to visit me. Everything should be terrific and I’m unfathomably psyched for it. Still, I can’t help but worry. So, here are the top five ways my birthday can be completely ruined.
5) Halloween gets canceled
- I have been blessed by being born on October 31st, All Hallows Eve, Hallowe’en- a day where there are guaranteed parties everywhere you look. The icing on the cake? This year Halloween is on a Friday. Cha-ching. No one has an excuse not to get ridiculous. No midterms the next day, no last-minute research papers. Just costumes, some drinkity-drinks, and this guy. Now the threat here is what if Halloween gets canceled! I don’t think it has ever happened before, but anything is possible. Who would do the canceling? I don’t even know. The Pope? M.A.D.D? The Wiccan community? Its not a huge threat, but it’s something to keep in mind.
4) I somehow get amputated and/or diagnosed with a very, very life threatening disease
- I have nothing against amputees or anything…it’s just I don’t want to become one on my birthday. Reasonable, right? In addition, I don’t want to be diagnosed with some horrible disease and I would like to emphasize the very, very life threatening part. Life-threatening, fine. I can deal. I could enjoy Friday night in peace and then start worrying about fulling my life’s goals on Sunday. But very, very life threatening? That’s just a bummer.
3) I have made a grievous error in mathematics
- Again, this one is very unlikely. I am almost 100% certain I was born on October 31st, 1987. My driver’s license confirms that. However, what if I am wrong? Example: I have some kind of eye problem and I’ve been reading an 8 as a 7 all my life and my parents and friends have been patronizing me. Or maybe my math is wrong. 2008 minus 1987 is 21 correct? I’m an English major; I can’t be certain. However, I did just use a semicolon correctly. In any case, can I get a micro-economics major to fact check that? I mean this is as micro as economics is going to get, and I don’t want my birthday ruined.
2) People realize I’m not actually that fun
- I have known that I am not that interesting, funny or entertaining since, probably, sixth grade. However, I have somehow been able to fool the general public and all my friends into thinking I am fun for the past several years. Still, I run the threat of everybody uncovering my true boring, nerdy and awkward persona sometime before my birthday. If this happens all my friends, and possibly family, would desert me. And as we know, one is the loneliest number and no one wants to be lonely on their birthday. Totally ruined.
1) I die
- Ok, I’m an American, twenty year old male in a state college. Obviously, I have drank alcohol illegally. I understand how the substance works, I’m not going to overdose the night of my 21st birthday. Or will I? If there is one thing I’ve learned from alcohol it is nothing. Alcohol is not a learning device, it is a crazy device. Sometimes you drink it and fall asleep. Other times, you drink and wake up at 4:30PM in an inner-tube floating down the Colorado River with the logo for the Long Island Ducks suddenly tattooed on your ankle. Anything can happen. And when I have access to a bar and free-birthday drinks, most likely, anything will. Stay tuned for the “Top Five Stipulations of My Last Will and Testament.”
Until then, wish me luck and I hope you have a Happy Rock-o-ween.
