The Beastie Boys have again come up in the headlights of the SmartassRadio locomotive. We just recently posted a live show from long ago where we mocked Pitchforkmedia.com‘s “review” of Paul’s Boutique, an album that came out many moons ago and one which everyone has already agreed is a classic. Still, Pitchfork felt it necessary to add their two cents. As it turns out, the elitists pricks at Pitchfork agreed with everyone else in the world and they gave Paul’s Boutique a 10 out of 10. Woopie! Thanks for that, idiots.

Well, the Beasties have reissued another classic album: “Check Your Head” and, thank goodness, Pitchfork has felt the need to review it. And low and behold they gave the album another 10 out of 10, because it is, of course, a classic. Wait…oh wait…no. THEY GAVE IT A 6.7?!? The first Beastie album I heard, a classic album that I kept in heavy rotation throughout high school, an album that returned the Beasties to Billboard Top 10 status and revolutionized what rap music could do! A 6.7? Really? REALLY?

Pitchfork when we said your idea of reviewing ancient albums was retarded, we meant the entire process. We didn’t mean that giving old albums perfect 10′s is bad. These are obviously perfect 10 albums. Why do you have to ruin everything? I will now review Pitchfork’s review of “Check Your Head.”

as history tells things it was Check Your Head that made sure the Beastie Boys were sticking around. It was their return to the Top 10 of Billboard’s album chart, it reinvented them as a new mutation of the West Coast punk rocker via NYC, and it paved the way for their 1990s-hipster Grand Royal empire.

Pitchfork! Those are good things!!! That is what makes an album good! That does not describe an album that is on the verge of failing! Stop being stupid!

Nobody really knew at the time that numerous other, stupider, more aggro bands would take the punk-rap structure of Check Your Head and warp it into the testosterone-poisoned mookery of the Woodstock-torching late 90s.

Pitchfork!! You are claiming that “Check Your Head” led to the development of a genre of music (rock rap?) that you don’t like. JUST BECAUSE THE ALBUM LED TO SOME LAME MUSIC A DECADE AFTERWARD DOESN’T MAKE THE ALBUM BAD! You sound like Marty McFly’s girlfriend! Do you not understand how time and chronology work?! If something good leads to something bad, the first thing is not bad!!! It’s still good and it still fucking rocks! Also, your connection here is flawed at best.

the biggest thing going against Check Your Head is its strange lack of the smart-assed, literate, quick-witted playfulness that had previously informed their lyrics. Never mind its most infamously-quotable lyric, from “Pass the Mic”– “Everybody’s rappin’ like it’s a commercial/ Actin’ like life is a big commercial,” which was supposed to rhyme “rehearsal” instead and got left in as a joke at Mike D’s expense.

Pitchfork!!! Are you even listening to the music!? It lacks the quick-wit of “Girls”? Is it missing the literacy “Fight for Your Right”? The Shakespeare allusions found in “Brass Monkey”? You guys are dumbasses. Paul’s Boutique had some really genius beats and samples, but the Beastie Boys have always rapped about partying and they have always been funny. This album is a fun album! You are allowed to make a fun album. You can make a party album! And it can be a perfect 10!!! They don’t need a social message that is any more potent than “Fuck your Boss.” JUST HAVE FUN WITH THIS ALBUM, THAT IS CLEARLY WHAT IT IS FOR! You quote a line that was included as a joke! It’s a joke! You are allowed to joke!

Pitchfork’s next paragraph just outlines how the album was recorded. The Beastie’s had returned to their instruments…jam heavy…blah blah blah. There are hardly any opinions in this paragraph and certainly no information to judge the album’s music worth. This paragraph is just the no-nothing author, Nate Patrin, spouting wikipedia facts out his ass.

Lest you think the score’s a bit uncharitable towards what many fans think is the Beasties’ second-best album, it’s factoring in this deluxe edition’s bonus disc and warning you off buying this particular package.

Pitchfork!!!!!!!!! The album is now packaged with a FREE bonus disc, and you justify reducing its rating to near failure?!?! It’s just a free fucking bonus disc! If you don’t want it, throw it out.  This is how the album is packaged now! People shouldn’t purchase it because they might not like the bonus disc songs? That is beyond ignorant. They are b-sides and cut tracks. Of course they aren’t that good!!! That’s why they didn’t get put on the other disc, you know, the perfect one!

Maybe Check Your Head doesn’t hit the same rap-geek nerves that Licensed to Ill or Paul’s Boutique did, but let’s look at it this way: It was a worthwhile experiment that resulted in some vital music.

Nate Patrin has a small penis.

But if time has diluted the impact of Check Your Head, clamping on some ear goggles and turning the EQ to its most bass-expanding level is compensation enough.

Time HAS NOT diluted the impact of “Check Your Head,” Nate. YOU have diluted “Check Your Head” and your fucking asshole indie elitist complex has diluted you. Clamping on some ear goggles? Are you kidding me? Did you do that Nate? Did you clamp on your ear goggles and then write this shitty review? Did you listen to the album on the most “bass-expanding level”? Bass-expanding? The only thing expanding here is your idiocy. Nate Patrin you are never going to make a splash in the world of musical criticism, so stop writing this assy reviews of obviously glorious albums.

Tonight when I get back home I’m going to crack open a beer, eat some chips and dip and listen to “Check Your Head.” Why? Because it fucking rocks. And that’s all the review you need.

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