What I Would Have Done If I Had Controlled How the $45 Million Used to Produce the Movie “Death Race” Was Spent
I just saw the movie “Death Race” the other night. Some of you may know the movie by other names that you coined after seeing the trailer back in July: “Prison Cars”, “Like Tokyo Drift, but Probably Better” or “The One That Played ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ and Shit Blew Up.” The intensity of the preview piqued my interest, so when I was bored during winter break I wasted no time hopping on my computer and illegally downloading the full movie. Needless to say, the plot could have been written by any 6th grade locker room bully. The first scene of the movie is a death car race and the audience only needs to wait roughly 14 minutes before more explosive race scenes are shown. The exposition of the movie is cut to the barest minimal, which is a good thing. This movie had some sweet moments (not nearly as many as the latest Rambo vehicle did, though), but I can’t help but feel the budget was wasted in places. If I was in charge of distributing the $45 million spent on this dud, Universal Studios would have released a cult-classic, not a forgettable remake with only a few “OoOoh” moments.
A screenshot from “Death Proof” which, like the new Rambo movie, is better than “Death Race”
First off, the cast. A movie like “Death Race” does not need a single big name. The producers must have realized this because they didn’t get one. But I would go a step further and say this movie doesn’t even need a name. The movie stars Jason Statham (The Transporter, Snatch, The Italian Job) Joan Allen (The Bourne Supremacy, The Notebook, Pleasantville) and Tyrese Gibson (2 Fast 2 Furious, Transformers, Death Race). Now these names aren’t too big, but I’ve at least seen some of those movies. Why spend the money on those pay checks? Is “Death Race” going to bring home any Oscars? Maybe the Oscar for “Most Original Decapitation With a Rear-View Mirror”, but nothing past that. Maybe not even that, there may have been a nicer rear-view decap in the new “Rambo”, I’ll have to re-watch it. Shouldn’t be too difficult since the new Rambo rocked so hard.
Now I would have done this: hired a bunch of good-looking nobodies. I’m sure they can handle whatever “acting” is required by the film and they’ll all look good doing it. In fact, I’d make them all girls. Why bother having a handsome male lead? I’m sure all the women and gay men waited for the DVD release, if anything. It makes sense to appeal to the film’s primary demographic: immature boys with an extra 9 bucks who want to watch something blow up.
Next step: I already complimented how quickly the movie jumps into the gist of things (ie: cars blowing up), but I would have sped it up even more. They didn’t need to spend money on sweeping shots of a waste land city. They didn’t need to pay for extras. They didn’t need subplots. Here’s what they needed: cars blowing up and people getting torn apart. The movie should have started like this:
The words “Death Race” slam on screen to the sound of an anvil clang and then drip like blood off the screen. Then I have Christopher Walken (the film’s new biggest star) come on screen and say, “In the year 2012, people started racing cars and trucks with big guns on them. This is what that looks like.” Then he’d walk off, not to be heard from again.
Actually, that would be the first and last full sentence in the movie. Instantly, screenplay writing costs are eliminated. The only other lines would be occasional “Fucks” “Damns” and “Shits.” And of course a bunch of cliched one-liners, “Enjoy the trip, see you next fall!”, “Hope you like the taste of ass!”, “You fuck with me and you get dead!”
Also, this movie spent cash on an original soundtrack. Come on! What was the point behind that? I certainly can’t remember any of tunes. Here’s what I would have done: Bought the rights to use the Giraffes self-titled album. Probably cheaper and it would definitely rock harder.
Also, I would have added a sex scene. Why not? At least some nudity. There is no need for discretion in a movie like this. One of the driver’s (girls now remember) has her outfit…I don’t know, stolen. The audience would suspend their disbelief I’m sure.
So, far I’ve been saving the film tons of money, but my goal wasn’t to cut costs, it was to make this film more awesome. All the remaining funds would be allotted to make more absurd crash sequences and CGI effects. Here’s a quick list of some of the new disaster ideas:
-A wooly mammoth is set loose on the track. It has a rocket-launcher on its back.
-They get out of the prison within the first 10 minutes and drive across America.
-This allows for cars flying off cliffs, colliding with freight trains and racing through a fireworks warehouse.
-The US army pursues the cars with stealth jets, also piloted by girls.
-Scratch that, not jets. Instead, the ships from Star Wars. I’m talking X-Wings, Y-Wings, A-Wings and B-Wings. Never underestimate the B-Wing. Still girls.
-The graphic violence would be way more violence, like the new Rambo movie, which was awesome.
-Some kind of volcano eruption and subsequent lava chase scene.
That’s just a few off the top of my head, but as you can see this movie would be awesome. Also, I’d cut the movie down from over and hour to just over twenty minutes. That’s right, two million dollars per minute. I’d also film the entire thing in sepia. Classic. That’s how you make a film.
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