My last installment of “What Not To Listen To: Static X” was featured on the old site and was one of the few things that didn’t make it over to the new one when we switched last August. So, I’ll be posting that as soon as I find the original document.

What Not To Listen To is my opportunity to pick a horrible, obviously hated band and just tear them to shreds for both musical and non-musical reasons. Wayne Static and Static X had it coming from day one and so has Papa Roach. I understand the easiness of tearing down each of these bands, but I’m gonna do it anyway.

This is not photoshopped.

I think I’ll start with a quick history of the band. Their godawful name.”Papa Roach” was the nickname of Jacoby Shaddix‘s step grandfather. These horrible, horrible women just took the moniker from a not blood related relative of their vocalist. From Wikipedia (the only source for “What Not To Listen To”): “In 1997, the band produced their first full-length album, entitled Old Friends from Young Years. Still touring heavily, they supported bands such as Incubus, Powerman 5000, Head PE, Snot, Far and Static X.” From here, the rest should be self-explanatory.

Papa Roach have a few glaring problems as musicians. The most obvious is probably their lack of musical ability. If they were Weird Al‘s backing band, they would rule (their cover of “Brain Stew” by Green Day is uncanny). I could almost deal with “Last Resort” or “Broken Home” because rap-rock and nu-metal were just sooo huge and I really can’t blame anyone for hopping on a bandwagon. What I have a problem with is that they’re continuing to do it:

“…the rapping’s gone! I don’t feel like rapping. I’m just over that…I just want to be a rocker. It’s what I wanted to be when I was a kid” – Jacoby via Wikipedia.

Papa Roach are even further from “rockers” than Jesse and the Rippers. And they’re continuing to rip people off, they’re just not rapping. Their latest “hit”, “Forever”, which has been forced down the throats of every modern rock radio listener in America, would be sweet if it was a mash-up. But, very obviously trying to sound like Buckcherry and My Chemical Romance (both of which I actually like… I’ll wait for the laughter to die down) does not a good song make. Listen to the verses and tell me you don’t hear a throwaway Buckcherry ballad. Then go listen to “The Black Parade” or “Helena” by My Chemical Romance and tell me the bridge (“One last kiss/Before I go/Dry your tears/It is time to let you go”) isn’t directly lifted from their catalog.

I could go on all day about how awful their music is, but what I’m really about is making fun of the way people look and act. Jacoby Shaddix is possibly the closest thing we have to a modern day 80s Joan Jett in terms of the way he dresses himself and does his awful hair. This slightly overweight cross dresser wears more eyeliner than Robert Smith could ever imagine possible. And Jacoby, if you’re gonna try to rock – you either have to be cokehead skinny, M. Shadows jacked (I’m really destroying any and all metal cred with this post aren’t I?) or a fat guy in a legitimate metal band (see: Dino Cazares).

I’ve already embarrassed myself by admitting my love for Buckcherry and My Chemical Romance (MCR to the real fans), and by referring to M. Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold (or A7X as I like to call them) as “jacked”, so let me take it a bit further. I’ve seen Papa Roach live. In my defense, it was not my choice and I very squarely blame Guns N’ Roses for the unfortunate incident. When I saw Guns in November of 2006, the bill was “Sebastian Bach, Papa Roach and Guns N’ Roses”. UGH. I had VIP section floor tickets. I clearly didn’t want to miss Baz (who fucking ruled), so we got there early and had some prime spots right up against the rail. When Papa Roach came out (of  the closet! LOL) there was actually a surge toward the stage, which meant if I wanted to see Gn’R this close, I would have to endure.

As if his dumb posing and facial expression weren’t enough (he literally looked like a puzzled character from a children’s show for most of his time onstage), Jacoby decided, on more than one occasion, to come down and lean against the rail to let the audience do his job – sucking ass at singing. I can tell you with confidence I did the right thing when he came to my section. At one point we actually locked eyes and I turned my back on him (I should have pissed on his shoe and told him what for, but I was very drunk and not thinking clearly). I swear on Roy’s life he went back to the stage and didn’t come back down for the rest of their set. Although it haunts my dreams that somewhere someone is paying for Papa Roach to record a new album(Metamorphosis comes out later this year), I sleep better knowing that for one instant he knew exactly how I felt about them and their “music”.

What do you guys think about this shit sucking clown and his band? Also what do you think about my decision to include seven links and two pictures in this post?

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