What Really Happened: The Boston Tea Party
Another genius concept from the Smartass Radio crew. A lot of people don’t realize that our newest contributor, Chachi Ramirez is not only proficient in Spanish and avoiding getting shot on the mean streets of Philly, but he’s also a history buff. In this new recurring series, he’ll let us in on some of histories biggest secrets and shed light on little known facts about a few of the biggest events ever to take place. This week, we get an insder’s look at the planning stages of the Boston Tea Party. – DJ
Hell Raiser.
George Washington: I’m glad we could all get together to discuss the current situation. It’s pretty obvious that the Brits are not taking us seriously.
Samuel Adams: It’s too true. I’m so fucking tired of eating fish n’ chips and listening to Tears For Fears. English culture sucks. Also their beer sucks. I could brew a better beer myself!
Ben Franklin: Well, we need to make a statement. Why don’t we challenge them to a race to see who can land on the moon first? Oh by the way! While Sam was just speaking, I invented glasses. Anyone want to try these suckers out?
Samuel Adams: Sure Benny, I’ll give ‘em a go. However I don’t think your space race plan will work. It sounds like a boring decade of me not killing Brits while you stare at rocket porno in your basement. Let’s blow some shit up. Wow. These glasses are great. Hey Benny, is that a mole in your ear?
George Washington: Sam, we can’t blow up our own country. This place already looks like a dump with all the horse shit everywhere. As president, I don’t think we should kill anyone just yet. Let’s let them make the first move. I just really want to piss them off. Let’s burn the British flag tomorrow! Hey Sam, with those glasses on, you look like you have four eyes! Can I see them next?
Ben Franklin: I dunno George. Larry King burned a British flag last week and nobody even noticed. What if we poured a bunch of rum into the harbor?
George Washington: Fuck that! I would never let that much rum go to waste. Let’s dump massive amounts of something really stupid in the harbor. By the way Ben, that mole is absolutely disgusting! It looks like a hairy raisin.
Samuel Adams: I know the perfect item. Two weeks ago, I fell ill with typhoid and my wife traded 3 pairs of home-sewn pants, 2 kittens, and an old shovel for 10 barrels of tea.
Ben Franklin: You didn’t drink tea did you? Tea is for pussies!
Samuel Adams: Of course not. Tea is for pussies. Plus, I avoided the tea out of spite. I really liked that old shovel.
George Washington: Then it’s settled. Tomorrow night we will meet at my house, down a few beers, and then dump an assload of tea into Boston harbor. That oughta show those Brits!
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