What Really Happened: The Civil War
Another genius concept from the Smartass Radio crew. A lot of people don’t realize that our newest contributor, Chachi Ramirez is not only proficient in Spanish and avoiding getting shot on the mean streets of Philly, but he’s also a history buff. In this new recurring series, he’ll let us in on some of history’s biggest secrets and shed light on little known facts about a few of the biggest events ever to take place. This week, we get an insider’s look at how the Civil War Started. – DJ
Picture stolen from SonOfTheSouth.net, I shit you not.
Robert E. Lee: Hey Joey, how’s it goin?
Joseph Lee: Hey Rob, it’s been a while. How’s the southern life?
Robert E. Lee: Pretty good. Saw Skynyrd last night. They did a killer hour and a half version of Free Bird. There was actually an intermission in the middle of the guitar solo. God it was so fucking southern. How’s New York?
Joseph Lee: Ya now, it’s getting to be windbreaker weather. Knicks beat the Grizzlies last night. Spike Lee got so excited that his glasses fell off his face into one of the Gatorade coolers.
Robert E. Lee: Hey Joey, do you still have my backhoe?
Joseph Lee: Ooh. About that backhoe. I’m not sure it still works. I lent it to Abe Lincoln. who drove it into a fence. He was pretty shook up after his wife told him that he had grown 7 more inches over the course of the previous night.
Robert E. Lee: What!? For fucks sake Joey, that backhoe was my baby. I built it with my bare hands. I used that beautiful piece of machinery to build the NASCAR track in back of my plantation. And my son will use that backhoe to build his own NASCAR track in back of his own plantation. Now I want that backhoe and I want it now!
Joseph Lee: I’m sorry brother, Abe said it’s messed up pretty bad.
Robert E. Lee: Then I, and all my southern relatives will secede from the Lee family, and create a new family crest. From now on, I am Robert E. Firehawk!
Joseph Lee: Now wait just a cotton picking minute! It wasn’t me that threw the proverbial spokes in your backhoe; it was that telephone pole look-alike of a president. What does that mean secede? Your going to be better at being family than me?
Robert E Lee: No, that’s succeed. A very common mistake. Secede is to break away. Like the Kelly Clarkson song.
Joeseph Lee: I love that song!
Robert E. Lee: Yeah it’s damn catchy.
Joseph Lee: But like I said Rob, it wasn’t me. It was all Legs Lincoln’s doing. Hold on, I’m getting another call. I think it’s Sinatra. He’s probably going to cancel lunch.
(seconds later)
Joseph Lee: False alarm. It’s just mom. She says to call her. She’s worried you’re not eating enough.
Robert E. Lee: Fine, Joey. If it’s Crashy McLincoln’s fault, I will remain a Lee and forfeit my way cooler last name. But I and my NASCAR neighbors shall secede from the country!
Joseph Lee: Rob, what does that even mean?
Robert E. Lee: I’m not sure. But if that Yankee scum and his toad of a wife think they can just crash one of the Lee’s backhoes, they’ve addressed with the wrong Gettysburg. This is war!
