People have been asking me so I figured I would explain myself publicly. Yes, it’s true. I am now much tanner than I usually am. My buff bronze physique has been catching a lot of eyes, but it has also been garnering a lot of questions. Well, I went to Florida that’s why I’m so tan. At least that’s the short story, there is more to it I guess…
I also shot myself in the leg.
Let me go back further. Last Monday I wanted to get some color. So, I got in my car and drove all the way down to Florida to my favorite paint store “Lexi’s Paints and Soft Shell Tacos.” DJ and I have a new apartment, but all the walls are white-washed. There is just no life to those rooms. Sometimes, after splitting a thirty rack of cheap beer, we actually find ourselves falling asleep early. I wanted to buy some paint, maybe a jungle green or jungle eggshell, and I also wanted to eat some delicioso soft shell tacos. Needless to say driving the two days down to Lexi’s was a perfecto idea.
Now when I drive cars I do so pantless. Nothing more to say about that. Unfortunately, when I got to Lexi’s I had my black turtleneck on, but had forgotten to put on pants and underwear. Everybody was cordial about that whole thing, but it sure didn’t help that I had drawn droopy eyes and elephant ears below my belly-button.
Of course the police showed up. I’m not going to sugar coat it. K9 unit and all. But something weird happened. Something clicked. I suddenly felt like there were some very real injustices being pushed on me. The chief of police asked me where I was heading. So I told him, “Portland.” Then I asked if there was anywhere I could eat around here, which I admit was silly because I had already bought a bag of soft shell tacos that were piping hot.
I don’t remember what happened next but I know “Under the Sea” from the Little Mermaid was playing in the background. I woke to the sound of a firehose being sprayed on my naked body. That clicked something for me again. I could have killed them all. In town they were the law, but out here, in Florida, it was just me. I didn’t want them to push it. I thought, “if they push it I’ll give them a war.” I wanted them to let it go. I told them, “Let it go.”
Luckily, they did. They gave me a pair of sweatpants and let me go without any charges. It was nighttime now and I spent a couple hours looking for my car. Would you believe I couldn’t find the darn thing? I ended up in a mangrove swamp, which I then had to trudge through for eight days. It was mostly boring, so I’ll move on.
I never did find my car. I ended up in a dance club near Fort Lauderdale. That’s where I shot myself in the leg. Apparently, the cops had left a gun in my sweats and it accidently went off. Pop, right in my leg.
So that’s how I got so tan.