Why Not Liking Chocolate Was The Best Decision Of My Life
In my previous “post” (I put post in quotation marks because I was inebriated when I wrote, hence it doesn’t make much sense and, honestly, the topic was pretty piss-poor to begin with) I wrote about my dislike for long division. To sum it up (pun intended), I have some trouble tackling the abstract reasoning that the process innately represents. Also, I find the idea of owning over five dozen apples at any one time to be inconceivable, juvenile and, frankly, obscene. Not surprisingly, my viewpoints have ignited a firestorm of controversy. DJ somehow cracked into the mainframe of my funny-box (re: laptop) and proceeded to rant and rave in favor of mass fruit consumption, then my ex-friend Megan chimed in and exacerbated the whole thing even further. How did she exacerbate the whole thing even further? Well, she called me a douche. Also, (and this is really where the exacerbation happens, because I already knew I was at least marginally douche-a-lious) Meg insulted my natural distaste for the taste of chocolate. Well, you know what? In the end (not that it’s the end, because it’s not), not liking chocolate was the best (debatable) decision (wasn’t a decision) of my life (if that’s what you want to call what I do with my time).
Pssh, like that would ever work.
First of all, I have not liked chocolate my entire life. It wasn’t a conscious decision (like choosing to be straight or not). Ever since I was a wee-toddler I have had a natural aversion to the taste of chocolate. I should emphasize the taste part of this. I do like the smell of chocolate, more specifically cocoa, which I have proven, scientifically, by riding the Hershey’s chocolate tour on numerous occasions.
(Tangent: some people find it paradoxical that I love Hershey’s theme park, but do not enjoy chocolate products. I will now refute these people with an argument within an argument. First, they don’t stuff chocolate down your throat upon entering the park. Second, they have excellent rides and the lines are shorter than bigger parks. Third, Hershey’s also produces such electrifying, non-chocolate products as Twizzlers and Jolly Ranchers (not for the faint of heart).)
Some more background information on my taste buds:
-I can tolerate the taste of white chocolate (which isn’t really chocolate), but have decided not to eat it anyway out of principle.
-I like oreos a lot. I think it makes sense because Oreos, most can agree, have a distinctly different taste than milk chocolate or dark chocolate.
-I don’t like chocolate-chip cookies, even though the majority of the cookie is cookie and not chocolate-chip. Still doesn’t work, so stop trying to push chocolate-chip cookies on me.
-Don’t like chocolate cereals.
-Don’t really like liquors like Jagermeister because of their licorice tastes.
You would be astonished to see the reactions I get when I tell people I don’t like chocolate. People are literally disgusted to hear this. I might as well be saying, “Hey! I step on bunnies!” or “Hey! I don’t like nice weather!” or “J-E-T-S, Let’s go Jets!” People are so shocked. They gasp, they look away, once I got slapped across the face and my dad didn’t even apologize. Some people take personal offense, as if they invented chocolate specifically for me and now I’m spitting in their face. As a child, this was so traumatic that I had to lie and say I’m allergic. This was easier for people to swallow; I wasn’t a mutant radical, I was ill and I needed as much support and sympathy as I could get because, as I used to say, “Chocolate makes me throw up”.
But you know what? Not liking chocolate has been so nice. It’s almost like a personality-trait now. It fits with my left-of-center attitude, my natural wackiness and my vanilla complection. Also, because chocolate is the foundation of pretty much every dessert food, I hardly have a desire to eat desserts. I might grab a cookie now and then, but nothing more. And if you examined my eating habits, then cross-reference them with my body type you would realize that were I too add anymore unhealthy food to my diet I would surely become blimpish.
(Tangent: The word “blimpish” is a real word. It means pompously ultraconservative and nationalistic. This is not the definition I meant. I don’t think a triple chocolate meltdown is going to turn me into a proponent of Reaganomics; I was just trying to say that if I was stuffing my face with beer, pulled-pork sandwiches AND dessert my body might start to take on some of the defining characteristics of a zeppelin)
Also, since I don’t like chocolate, I know I will never become a victim of chocoholism, a condition which has evidently garnered its own wikipedia entry. I quote: “Chocoholism is a portmanteau of “chocolate” and “alcoholism,” referring to an addiction to chocolate. [...] Chocoholism, if not maintained, may result in over-consumption of chocolate, which may cause high blood-sugar levels and possibly obesity.”
Addiction?! High blood-sugar?! Portmanteau?!
Thanks but no thanks, Chocolate.
I don’t want to sound too long-winded, so here is a list of other awful things I avoid by not liking chocolate:
-Chocolate martinis
Here’s another point: It’s February now and St. Valentine’s Day is only two weeks away. What are all the girls who love me going to purchase as gifts? Not chocolate!!! Haha. Good luck finding a gift now girls! Looks like you all are going to have to think a little deeper, try to get inside my head. What does Roy really like? Answer: sour skittles would be fine.
So there you have it. I may be a douche but not liking chocolate is not a sin. Conversely, I think eating chocolate is a sin. Let’s see how many of the seven deadly sins chocolate is associated with: gluttony. That’s 14%. Also chocolate desserts always have scary names, “Devil’s foodcake”, “Fudge” the list (I assume) goes on.
Ok, that’s enough.
02/01/2009
Ludicrous. Maybe you should stick to posting about fruits.