I like to have a good time! If you can’t stomach that fact, then it’s high time you got on out of here, because that, my friend, is an unquestionable truth. I like to have a good time. DJ likes to have a good time. Peter Paul Marsh III (American Hero) loves to have a good time. Of course, Chachi likes having a good time. Frank can have a good time. Even Patty, that old, puritanical, straight-laced lesbo, likes to have a good time sometimes. Everyone here at SmartassRadio likes to have a good time. Essentially, having a good time is what we’re all about.
When you’re having a good time you don’t want to be making decisions. And if you do need to make a decision, you want to make it fast. Still, sometimes making a decision can be difficult. Especially, when that decision involves the good time you are about to have.
Imagine the scenario: You’re standing in your kitchen getting ready to party. You are just on the brink of it, and you can smell the good times ahead. Then two of your best buddies walk in. One says: “Yo man, you ready to go bananas?” and the next says, “Hey bro, you want to go hog wild?” What are you going to choose?
Filbert doesn’t do either.
When I think about going bananas some images come to mind. Images that are distinctly different from going hog wild. Someone who is going bananas may be doing a silly dance in public. Or maybe they are making some wacky conversational allusions. The person who is going bananas has their drunkenness characterized by slurred speech.
Someone who is going bananas is also very likely going to be man raped in the back of a van. This can be dangerous because the person going bananas is also usually constipated at the time. Someone who is going bananas usually has a very low risk of being arrested. Most people who have gone bananas will wake to find that they have lost a favorite article of clothing the subsequent morning.
When partying, someone who is going bananas will suggest doing shots of vodka or tequila. After doing the shot they will burp and taste vomit. If you are going bananas late at night you will make animals noises (monkey, dog, or bird) while walking on an unlit street. People going bananas often make regrettable, but unremembered, decisions. However, these decisions have only minor repercussions and the individual will wake feeling healthy, but somewhat silly.
After going bananas you may find that you have changed the wallpaper on your laptop. The image will likely be: 1) a default background for windows, 2) a cute animal, 3) a girl with giant boobs.
People who go bananas will usually relive a childhood memory to someone who does not want to hear about it. They will spend twice what they meant to during the night. They will wake to find that their tongue is a different color. The person who is going bananas will not get laid.
The person who goes bananas will blackout and when he asks his friends how last night was, the friends will say, “alright.”
Now if you are going hog wild it’s a totally different story. Someone who is going hog wild will wake to find that they have some type of bruise, somewhere from the hips down. They will also be hung over. Someone who is going hog wild will inevitably walk outside the perimeters of their town on foot. They will steal something while on the outskirts of town and bring it back to their house in the center of town.
Someone who is going hog wild will take a dump sometime during the night. Usually, in an abnormal or gross place. This fact is supported by the hog-wild person’s need to stop for pizza at least three times during the same four hour period. They will also break something of value in their apartment/home.
If you are going hog wild you will urinate on something that is important to someone else (car handle, ATM, living room rug). If you do not pee on something important, you will at least pee in the sink, rather than the toilet. Even though the toilet was right there. Someone who is going hog wild is not safe around animals.
While going hog wild people tend to send out insulting or overly aggressive text messages. They also leave loud incoherent voice messages. They will wake to find mud on there pants, even on a mud-less day. At some point during the night they will punch a woman.
While going bananas is characterized by a sense of whimsy, absurdity and feminine joy, going hog wild is characterized by caveman-like brutality, vulgar odors and a loosening of the sphincter. A person who is going bananas will have on a green or yellow shirt. A person going hog wild will have red meat on his chest.
People who are going bananas will fall asleep in the middle of a fun hang out. People who are going hog wild will fall asleep at seven in the morning in a pile of dirt beside their bed completely naked.
Which would you go with?